Thursday, February 3, 2011


Well, I think the 'denial' bus has finally completed its journey.  It is parked in a very large snow bank!  I realized last night that I am somewhat depressed.   No kidding, you might say, but I am surprised.   I guess I never thought that I would go through that part of grief.   The reality came to me in the middle of the night but I think the seed was planted about a week ago by a friend.  She casually mentioned that perhaps I was depressed and of course I completely ignored her.   I feel tired, at a very deep soul level.   I am not weepy or feeling sorry for myself just completely drained.   In addition, I think I am terrified.  For me to admit that is something really big, and means that maybe I have had some major growth in my emotional personal side over the past few years.  I usually never admit fear even if I am standing in it up to my eyeballs.  It is a sign of weakness, vulnerability and I don't like that. I really don't believe that but old tapes are hard to quiet.  Plus, I refuse to allow myself to spend my life, whatever time I have, being is such a waste of time.  Moving on.....

Back to depression, so much easier to deal with.   I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed.   I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid.   It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done.  You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type.  I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person.  It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything.   Also, I become more internalized and quiet.   Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state.   Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet" its just easier to stay home.   Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.

So, I am depressed.    Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out.   The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it.  You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it.    I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful.  I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly.       The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly.  I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing.   So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea.    Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.

I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour. 

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