Monday, February 21, 2011

Choosing how to live.....

Well, in my part of the world today it is a holiday, Family Day.    And that is exactly what I plan on doing, spending it with family.   Although true to a young person's way, my daughter is home but sleeping....I guess I can't have it all.   Later we will watch a movie and spend some quality time together but in the meantime I will let her sleep and I will putter.   We rec'd 20 cm of snow last night so we won't be going too far, not that I care.

Since my appt on Thursday, I have been feeling light and joyful.   The little things in my life have again become important, like cooking, cleaning etc.   I am really enjoying focusing of these somewhat mindless jobs, rather than worrying about my health.   I don't show my worry very much, and am usually able to put on a smile and go through the motions but I realize I am not so good at it as I thought.   Over the past few days I have run into people and without a word from me they have commented on how good I look.   They tell me I seem brighter than I have lately, more up beat.   Well, who would have thought that what I was feeling on the inside was so obvious on the outside.   Mind you, I remember years ago when I was doing 'work' on myself my goal was to hopefully allow the inside to match the outside.  Maybe I was too successful that now when I want to hide it, I haven't the skill anymore.

I am reading a very good book called, "Taking the Leap" By Pema Chodron.    My reading is very eclectic, especially when it comes to spiritual books.   This author has a number of books that I have read and I find her gentle way of addressing our habits and fears allows me an openness to examine them honestly.   In this book she talks about how we can choose our journey ......she uses a Native American story of two wolves found fighting in your heart.  One is vengeful and angry and one is kind and understanding.    The winner will be the one you 'choose to feed'.  I love this analogy for dealing with cancer.    I can give into the fear and terror of this disease and let it keep me locked inside of myself or I can choose to 'feed' the positive, hopeful wolf, and live each day to the fullest.  I choose the latter.   What is the point of my continuing to live, if what I am doing is not living?    I can exist for decades with cancer, and not have lived a minute, or I can live for days with cancer and have done enough to make it feel like a decade.  

As I go off to wake my daughter, I am giddy with life.   My body feels better than it has in months, my mind is active and wanting to engage....what better way to spend Family day.    I guess being positive is more than just talking the talk, you have to feel it all the way down to your toes, in order to walk the walk.    Happy Family Day all, I am off the bus and I just might have a picnic in my living room today...who knows!