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Sunday, January 18, 2015

Humbled beyond belief...........

Sunday night and I am sitting just waiting.   It's like when you are going on a trip and you are waiting for the flight to leave.   I am one of those that always arrives way too early and then sits and anxiously waits for things to get moving.    Well, it's not much different now.   There is something to be said for the 'old' days where they made you go to the hospital the night before.   Then you were there, they gave you good sleeping pills and just rolled you out in the morning.   Now, don't get me wrong, the shaving thing was no fun and I am glad it has gone the same way as bloodletting, but at least I would be there and maybe even unconscious!!!!!

So, I sit and wait.   May even drink a coffee before midnight cause if I don't sleep tonight I will make up for it tomorrow....not like I need to have my wits about me :)

I have to say that among the various thoughts and feelings that I have been having over the past few days I am also feeling extremely humbled and overwhelmed (in a good way).    The people who have called, dropped in, send texts, e-mails, cards .....offered prayers, rosaries and Masses,  offered to look after pets and taken them  in has been incredible.   Never have I felt so tightly held by so many wonderful friends and family.    It is the most amazing feeling to know that to so many you are important.    If we could all feel this all the time what a wonderful world we would live in.    To be held up in prayer and good thoughts and so many offering best wishes and good luck......

It's so nice to know that I am loved!

I am anxious for tomorrow, I would be crazy not to be, but I am also very much at peace.    I feel that no matter what happens 'all will be well'.   There is no better place to be at a time like this.

To each and every person who has thought of me, prayed for me and offered help, food and support of every kind I thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul.    For my daughter to see this gives her incredible hope and peace as well.   You have blessed us in ways that you will never know, but you have changed me at my very being in ways that I cannot express.

Tomorrow is out of my hands.....but I know that I am in God's hands through the people in my life and that is a wonderful feeling......see you on the other side of surgery :)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Life outside......

So I have decided to write another post.   I feel like Cher on her farewell tour.....I think I saw her second or third one.....oh well we never know when we will actually say farewell.

So, the week has gotten somewhat better.   Have learnt to take pain meds on a regular basis if just to take the edge off the pain.    I hate meds especially because there are all the other side effects that go with them.  It seems that Tylenol3 is my medication of choice, and I am able to stay awake now that my body is becoming accustomed to it.    How my liver is doing is any one's guess?    Milk Thistle is the med I take to hopefully detoxify my liver.

So I am beginning to feel a bit better.   It is still a very difficult time, and the pain is exhausting.   I realized that through all of this journey I have not really suffered pain from the cancer.    It has most often been post surgery and chemotherapy.   It is very different when you realize that your body is hurting because some mutating cell is taking over a part of you.     It makes me think it is eating into the very fabric of my body and that the pain is my poor body trying its best to fight back.

Today, I had to go for more tests in order to get ready for surgery.   Saturday morning is not the day you want to be having tests done at a hospital.   The staff is very few and far between and lack of communication seems to be the standard.    All the staff were pleasant, but had I not been a bit pushy I would probably still be sitting on some 2nd floor wing waiting for the department to open.....Monday at 6:30 am.

I got a friend to drive so I wouldn't have to walk any great distance, but I ended up walking a marathon in the hospital.   I was sent to one desk, who then sent me upstairs to another reception area, which was closed.   I returned to the first floor to be told "well I don't know, I guess you will have to go back and wait till they open".....the sign on the door said Monday!!!!   I mentioned this and she said "no someone will be there cause you have an appointment"......I then informed her that there is no where to sit up there and I can't stand.   She agreed to let me sit in her area and she would doing some calling.   Well ten minutes later she comes and says...."You have to go to Emergency cause the charge nurse for that department is delayed and won't be in till 10:30 am....it was 7:00 am at this point.   Thank goodness I didn't go back upstairs!!!!   She informed me that she had spoken to Emerg and they would do the CScan.   Off I trudged down hallways, around corners through doors that said Staff Only....to the back of Emerg.    They had no idea what I was talking about....but they figured it out.   My fear was I was going to have to sit and wait in Emergency for the scan....the sign said 5-8 hour wait for non-life threatening issues.....don't thing a pre opt scan is life threatening.   Just a note:   the department was completely empty except for a young couple waiting to be seen.......????????

So had my scan and was on my way at 7:30am.     I was so grumpy mainly because I hadn't had coffee yet but also I was hurting and all that walking wasn't helping.  I figured that if it got any more confusing I was just going to tell them I had decided not to have the scan and leave.   What were they going to do CANCEL MY SURGERY !!!!   I think not......

So the crazy journey continues but there have been some bright lights this week too.   Friends dropping by for visits, to help walk the dog, bringing yummy food to keep me strong for surgery, and even a Reiki treatment that made the world of difference.     As horrible as I have felt all week, and I have felt awful, I still realize that I am a very blessed person.   From my granddaughter's smiling face when she comes in the door, to my daughter's helpfulness and cheerfulness, to friends that take time out of their busy day to call, text or visit I have many good things in my life.  

Life is about looking at the good stuff and just trying to work through the bad.     No matter how you look at it there will always be more good than bad, sometimes you just have to brush away the muck to see it.     Cancer sucks, but life is good.

So this may or may not be my last post prior to surgery.   I am feeling much better than I did on Tuesday and so if the urge grabs me I may write again.     Thanks to all for your support you will never know how much it means just to hear a hi, see a text or get an email......there is life outside these walls :)

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Last post till post surgery!

I am writing this post Christmas. I had a great holiday and am grateful for that.  The past week has not been so good.     I have spend the past four years writing about my journey with cancer and feel in many ways I had no idea what I was talking about.    I have had times when I was not well or felt tired but never have I felt this much pain.    My cancer has taken over my every minute.   I can't read, knit, watch t.v. or anything.   How people live in this condition for long periods of time is far beyond my ability to imagine.    Bone pain must be the worst pain ......nothing seems to completely alleviate it.

I struggle each day just to try and find the middle ground between bearable pain and sleep.   A funny aside is that if you actually read the side effects and all the warnings on the pain meds you would wonder how anyone would even take them.    You can suffer from so many more life threatening ailments than the pain you are trying to alleviate....the pain seems the minor of the two.   

Then there are the other issues that ensue because of the medication, so you have to take medication to keep all the other bodily functions going.   

So, for now I will wait for surgery, and not attempt to write this blog anymore.   I feel that I have been na├»ve in what I believed to be a tough journey.   So, far I feel that I have been blessed with little pain and just fatigue.   I am now making up for it.

Please forgive me for stepping away from the world for the time being.    I am not able to tolerate much these days so I am staying close to home.    My daughter is being an angel and I don't know how I could go through this without her.    Prayers are needed if for nothing else but to allow me to sleep for the next week and a half.