Saturday, October 29, 2011

New found happiness....for the moment

I know that happiness and contentment is an attitude that one finds internally and not through external sources.   Well, if you find it through something outside of yourself it will probably be very fleeting.
BUT....and I mean a big that sometimes its o.k. to acknowledge that you have found that wonderful albeit fleeting feeling from some material source.    I did just that yesterday....oh it was so sweet and I was so happy, I was dancing (sort of) and laughing and being just really silly because my heart was so happy and I did not find Mr Right or fall in love at first least not with anything resembling a human species.    I rec'd a gift of yarn....oh not just any yarn...a gift of silk, alpaca, merino and ewe boucle.    In the most beautiful colours and also so soft and subtle, you just want to maul them and hold them and stroke them, and feel them, ok so now it is bordering on sexual.  

I have the most wonderful people in my life and I know and appreciate that fact all the time.   Then sometimes they do something for me and I am just amazed at how really nice these friends are.   Well, I had mooned over, pined over, and whined over some yarn I had seen about a month or so ago at a Yarn Fair, but alas I was strong enough to realize that it was not meant to be the two of us....that perhaps in another time and place our paths would cross again and we could be together forever....again I have moved in to the questionable area of sexual....really I am talking about yarn not men!!!!!!

A good friend gave me that yarn  yesterday with the pattern to make the most amazing sweater ever.   So I am tickled pink, and didn't want to sleep a  wink last night.   I took that yarn and spun it and wound it, and stacked it and then started to play with it....I mean knit with it.   OMG I think I know how you feel in least from a mortal point of view.

So, although it is material this happiness, it has lingered into this new day and will continue to arise in me a feeling of absolute devotion until I have completed the least a good 50 hours of knitting I figure.....better than a man...he would never last 50 hours....Oh my I am bad!

So, for the moment, and I AM living in the moment, I am ecstatic....over the moon, swooning like a teenager over my new found love....I mean yarn.    Take a look.....isn't he....I meant it beautiful......

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Risking rejection........your call!

I am presently sitting in my kitchen, watching the world go by outside my window.   The other day I noticed that an ambulance and fire truck had been called to the apartment building next door and it was there for a very long time.  This in itself is not unusual because the majority of the residents there are seniors so there seems to be a constant flow of ambulances.   The difference that I noticed was the fire truck (not the ladder truck) did not leave soon after arrival.  This was different....and so my interest at the time was peaked.   Later I noticed that there were a number of flower deliveries to that same building over the course of the next couple of days.    Today, there just seems to be great activity for so early in the coming and going, people in and out....etc.   Now let me clear up one thing...I am not the nosey neighbour you may think I am....I just happen to have about four very large windows in various places in my house that all face the apartment building...also there is absolutely nothing else around that cleared up.    Anyways, my point is that I am noticing things around me....and making assumptions on those activities....I am thinking that someone has probably died in the building....maybe not but not a totally unreasonable conclusion to come to.   Based on that assumption I am sitting here sending positive energy and prayer towards the building.

It has made me think of another situation....and also realize that I am a person who NOTICES things and people.   I go about my own life with some eye to the rest of the world and am not oblivious to my surroundings.   Yesterday I was at the cancer clinic and something happened that really bothered me....
As I was buying a coffee at Timmies (and any Canadian knows the bustle that would be around that area) I noticed a young woman sitting close by and she was crying.    She was doing so quietly, but it was very obvious that she was she constantly dabbed her eyes with a kleenex.     I watched as all the people around, both patients and staff, continued on their way totally oblivious to this scene.   I couldn't get past the fact that here I was in a hospital, with huge numbers of people around, and this woman was sitting all by herself in obvious distress.  Now, I know too that this is not an uncommon scene in this environment but as far as I am concerned that doesn't excuse the lack of interest.   I also know that many people there have their own concerns, distresses etc and probaby just can't imagine trying to console another (although it has been proven that helping someone else usually does more for oneself than the other)....but the staff didn't do anything either.   I also am very aware that many people are afraid to do anything because they might be my career that happened alot...trying being a spiritual care giver in a hospital....very few people really want to see you initially....anyways.

I did go up to her, we spoke for a few minutes, I don't know if I helped, but she didn't reject me and I know that I felt that I had done what I beleive to be my obligation as a human being....I interacted with another when they were in pain....the one common bond that we have as humans....we are always closet to another when in pain b/c it is the one thing we all understand.   I do know that it could have gone differently...she could have told me to bugger off...but that isn't the point.....we can't limit our actions to those situations where we know we will be accepted.   We need to put ourselves out there and take is about risks......if we don't risk anything how can we say we are living...we are simply existing in this world until we no longer exist.  And finally, we are relational beings, it is our nature to interact with another, it is who we are at our base level and to ignore that is to make us something less than who we are meant to be.

Ever notice that when we put chairs together there are usually two......who's sitting in the other chair next to you today??????

My challenge for myself and for anyone else interested you notice those around you and are you willing to get involved in another person's life??????......your call!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A separate journey.....soul medicine!

I have decided to start of journey of discovery which I will keep separate from my blog.  It will be a place to talk about myself and where I might like this journey of cancer to take me not necessarily on a physical level, but more closely knit into my soul.

I will express my thoughts and how I might see myself evolving as this third chapter with cancer takes shape.  It will be a place to watch how I view myself from where I have come to where I might be going be that into a new chapter here or perhaps even a final chapter to somewhere new.  I am not trying to be melodramtic but I have an urge to search spiritually at this time and feel that this new outlet will allow that expression.

It will be attached as 'pages' to my blog but will be for reading only.  I would appreciate no comments as it will limit my ability to freely express what my soul is really saying if I feel that others are judging or making comments.   As you can see I have yet to let the old person go as I am still setting conditions and rules as to how one is allowed to function on this blog LOL.....I hope that may change.

I need this new space in order to say good bye to the person I have been for so many years and allow the person I know that is straining in my being to come out to be released.   I open myself to all in order to help my own journey along.    The expression of one's deepest thoughts and dreams is the best way for human beings to open themselves to growth and new ways of being in the world.  I have always maintained that I refuse to see any 'blessings' in my cancer, but I will allow it the opportunity to open me up in to the person that I must become in order to deal with it.   I will not stand still in fear or anger, allowing it the power  to take over my soul as it seems determined to take over my body.   As Mellisa Ethridge sings "you can cut into my body, but you cannot cut into my soul".........

Monday, October 24, 2011


Hope...what is it exactly.  I remember when I first began this journey I thought of it as "something that existed in the future"....but I now know that it is what exists right here right now.     My understanding that hope is what moves us to the future has changed from that which was  something evasive or unseen to that which gives us the energy neccessary to continue.   My hoping this disease would go away has not worked, it hasn't even kept it at bay.   My hoping that tomorrow will be better is senseless because only through my own efforts will that happen.  So what is hope exactly???....I don't know if I can define it.    A friend today mentioned a program that talked about 'hope' and so I listened to it.   Joan Chitister defined hope as "being able to dance around corners"....I think I like that definition.  It means that even thought my world is not the way I 'hoped' it would be, I don't have to be sad and sullen, the future may not be within my control but the present very much is.   Hope I think is something more than a wish about a future happening, it is about how we deal with the happenings right now.

If I hope for something in the future and it doesn't happen, I will be disappointed.  If I hope for the strength to deal with today and the struggles it brings I will be fulfilled.   Who I am right now does not change because of the things I may not have tomorrow.   I guess I can say I am hopeful.   I know that in the beginning of this journey I could not have said that.   I was hopeless because I didn't understand the purpose of hope....I truly believed it meant that you had to have the guarantee of another I know it means that I must hope for tomorrow but live today with hope!  By the way that  is not my own profound thought but simply a paraphrase of the Dali Llama.

So much has changed over the past year.   It is one year ago that I was told that the cancer was back...although it was never gone....we just couldn't see it.    Ovarian cancer does not go simply hides its ugly head until it decides to 'roar' into  life again.   The literature on this disease refers to OVCA as the 'cancer that whispers'.  This may be true initially, because the symptoms are so silent and yet so deadly, but when it comes back there are no roars into your brain and continues to scream at you every day .......well the screaming has to is time that we do something to silence the beast again.     I will be making some big decisions in the next couple of weeks, as well as having more tests.    So glad there is no studying for these tests.....I would probably positive in cancer is not a pass, a negative is not a fail.   See how this disease turns everything on its head.     I digress, as I was saying I will be deciding what to do in the next while.   I am not very anxious to do this, and there are moments when I think I will just close the door and pretend the inevitable is not there....but the beasts is knocking very loudly and so I must go and slay the beast.

I am gassing up the bus and having it tuned up....the journey is about to begin in earnest as so 'all aboard' is off to 'cancer land we go'.    I know that most of you know the rules...but just incase remember no talking to the driver....unless of course you need to get off, and please keep the click clicking of the needles gives me great comfort to know that things are being created even while I am killing something else!1!!  So here we go.......

I have hope though....which is much more than I can say I had 10 years ago.......

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Soul Weariness

|Today, I am going to try and begin a new journey of discovery.   I learnt today that it is o.k. to be just the way I am, and not do anything about it.   To be in the moment.  This is not something new to me, or to anyone who has been reading my blog, but it has resonated in a very different way this time.  I seemed to work from a very intellectual, rational point of view and living in the moment from that perspective is one way of doing it.   I will begin today to try and live in the moment, from my soul, from the core of my being, acceepting whatever it is that I am and just rest there. 

My journey for the next little while is to learn to 'lean into the weariness' from my heart.....trusting that sometimes it is o.k. to just rest and be, and not even have to figure out why.

So for you who have chosen to join me on this journey (bus trip, cab ride whatever), the vehicle will be meandering along at a very quiet pace, just resting and giving the soul time to regenerate.   My soul has been a very good companion over the past ten years but I think it needs a rest now.   So, it is not going to be easy, as rational thinking is my nature, but I will try and accept the tiredness, the feelings of loss and grief, and just wallow in them for awhile......who knows a completely new being may arise from those ashes.......

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Self Reflection and Thanksgiving

Just spent a glorious long weekend among friends and family.   The weather was absolutely incredible for this time of year and so I decided to use it well.    Had turkey at friends, but BBQ'd at my house on the Monday.    Thanksgiving was a 'beer can' chicken and roasted potatoes and it was so good.  

These times give one a good excuse to pause and really look at the positive things in our lives.   What are we really thankful for, but also it offers us an opportunity to see what it is in our life that may not be so good.     Toxic relationships are often a good one to focus on.   We tend to surround ourselves on  holidays by the people who have been around since our childhood.   It doesn't mean that these people are healthy or good for us to be around.   Do we change in their midst, do we become someone we do not like to be, are we constantly struggling to put on a 'happy face'.  I am not suggesting that we do not include these people in our lives, but perhaps we can take some time to  reflect after the holiday and see how it is we can make changes in our own attitudes and judgements so that they don't affect us too much.

Holidays are wonderful times to sit around and go down memory lane, but for many they are a very tough time.   Being with family and friends who maybe aren't a major part of  your life anymore can be very stressful.    I believe that these are the times we can learn the most about our selves, and even work on those areas that we are not as happy about.  Instead of looking at the other person and wishing they were different, these gatherings can be a time for us to look at ourselves and try and be the best we can be.    Being patient, non-judgmental, accepting, loving....all the things we want the other to be of us.....first giving it to them and maybe just maybe over time it will be recipricated.

Holidays have always caused me much stress and distress.   I often want to crawl into a hole and wait till they are over.   Not any more.  I enjoy the times when we get together with others and do things differently, maybe even a bit more loudly.   I had a great weekend, and am reflecting on how I have grown over the years to enjoy those in my life, especially family, no matter who they are or what they bring to the table.    Reflecting on myself has been the key!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Steve Jobs....a very wise man!

Needless to say that the past few days have been interesting.   The death of Steve |Jobs has been on the news alot and his speech at the graduation is amazing.   He mentions that once you accept that you are  going to die, then you will realize that you really have nothing to lose in this life.   Go for it!  

The other thing that I heard was that he always believed that (had a premonition) he would die young.   I don't often share this but that rang very true for me.   Since I was a child, I have always had this feeling that I must do things now, because there was going to come a time when I wouldn't be able to.   In 1986, I had a spinal cord injury and many doctors told me I wouldn't walk again, or if I did it would be limited and with a cane.   I decided then that no one would every tell me what I could or could not do.  I would try and continue to try no matter what and was able to prove them wrong.  They also suggested that getting pregnant wouldn't necessarily be a good idea b/c of the injuries and the added weight that would put on my limbs etc.  Remember that was in 1986, alot has changed medically in regards to spinal cord injuries.   I didn't listen then either....and now have a beautiful daughter.  I can't imagine my life without her!   So many things in my life shouldn't have happened but did.......and it just reinforces that we do not know what we are capable of until we try.    Steve Jobs showed us that we are able to be productive, valuable human beings right up to the end no matter what life throws at us.....its all in how we see it....attitude, attitude, attitude, and a great deal of humility.   Jobs was quoted in an interview (one of very few he ever gave) that it isn't about revelling in what you have already accomplished, but rather always moving on to the next thing that you can accomplish...always moving forward.   Well, thank you Steve Jobs, for not only the amazing technology you have given us but more importantly the wisdom of living that you have also given us....may we all access your words of wisdom over and over again on the technology that you  will live forever on.     God bless and Rest easy.........look out God heaven will never be quite the same :)