Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Journey's......only one!

It's been over two months since my last post and I don't think I have ever gone that long between posts.    This summer has been different from any other and so I have had difficulty getting my mind around it and putting my thoughts together,   Even now I have no idea what I plan on writing I only know that I need to empty my soul and that this has become  the best way to do it.

Where to start.    The beginning isn't even an option as I don't think there really is a beginning so I will start with the most important.....My mother died this summer.   On August 13th with out a lot of fanfare and much to our surprise she went to sleep and just never woke up.    It sounds so simple when I write it but it wasn't when I lived it.    When I began this blog I thought it was going to be about my journey with cancer.   I realize now that we can't separate our lives into journey's of this or that, but rather it is one long journey of life, with the difference being how long we end up sitting on the side of the path recovering from the various events and happenings.   For me, I think this particular experience will take a long to time to 'just move on'.    Mother's are a funny lot.    You think you have them all figured out.   You think that you are all grown up and that your relationship has evolved into a adult/adult one, and then they are gone.    You realize that you were still their daughter no matter how old you are, and they were still your mummy at some visceral level.    The one person who I never existed before or after birth without is now no longer here in the physical world....I still can't quite grasp that concept.    How in the world do children deal with the loss of a mother at a young age, if when as a grown up with a family of our own we have such a difficult time?   I know that whenever I ran into this situation in my professional life, I always qualified my help by saying "I really don't understand because my mother is still alive"....boy was I right!  Mother's they are a unique species unto matter what the relationship, no matter how far away they may have lived. no matter whether you liked them or not,  it becomes necessary to completely re- examine ones way of being in the world with out them......and so I begin a new journey on the same old path.....and I don't think I will be removing a pebble from my shoe this time and continuing....I think there will always be a little limp in my step for having said goodbye to my Mother.......and now I do 'really understand'.......