Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Denial can be a GOOD thing too!

It's been awhile.   I have been between times, between family and friends, between places and people, between home and home.   It has been interesting and exhausting.   I am very glad to be home in my own place with my own stuff and my own bed.   We are definitely creatures of habit and familiarity.  I feel so much better emotionally, physically, and mentally because I know where I am and what I am to do.

So I will sit in my in between time and recover.    I will sleep, and I will eat, I will re-arrange (b/c that is what I do) and I will be grateful for this time to remember how much I love my home.   I think the bus has been parked for a very long time and so we might have to get it tuned up and in gear.  Go for an appointment in June and will need to make some decisions, so for now I will relax and enjoy!  I think I have moved completely into denial again b/c I seem to forget that I have serious decisions to make besides whether to knit or to read.....will remain here for awhile longer.....denial has it purpose and its place and I am more than willing to accept it right now.    Denial allows us to actually live our life for moments at a time as if nothing is really different.....that can be a very good thing............

Monday, May 16, 2011

I hate this life......

So, I did it...and immediately regretted doing it.   I hate to cause pain to another, and this conversation caused enormous pain.   She cried, and felt sad for me, and I know for her.   I don't really know what she felt b/c I don't have a daughter who has cancer and so in many ways can only relate as one human to another not as a mother to a mother.  

Again though, it is the energy of consoling that I hate too.   I must now console her and tell her everything is alright and till now I was able to avoid that.   Selfish in many ways, but the reality of this horrible disease.  I hate my life at times like these.  My daughter and my mother, to have to watch them in so much pain and to know that nothing I say or do will change how they feel.   We are selfish beings at heart.   Keeping secrets allows us the ability to control our environment, pretend, stay in denial when around those who no nothing.  It is our way of escaping reality.   The remainder of the trip will be different now, I am sad about that.   I have moved back into a place that I had left behind three weeks ago.  Here I was 'normal', no one here ever saw me sick and so doesn't know.  Now my Mom is sad, and she will tell them in her own time why she is sad.   They weren't around for the other times, they are new friends to her.   I did tell one of her ladies before so that she would have someone to talk to if she needed.  They were very supportive and told me that they will keep an eye out for her.   Watch, her BP will go up again,  I hate this life sometimes. 

Well the deed is done and so no turning back.  I guess it is my turn now to help her come to terms with it.  I have had seven months so its time!   BUT, all the questions about why am I waiting, the realization of how little she knew about my cancer.   She believed it was gone...forever so this is just like the first time.  Explaining remission to her and that cancer is never really gone.  She remembers the old times when they would say 'we got it all'....having to say that they don't say that anymore.....why she wants to three days to bring her to a place that she can let me go.....I hate this life....I think I have said that a few times here.....

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Have decided.......

O.K. have made a decision to tell my mom.  Going to do it tomorrow night.   After a long discussion with my brother and his very wise advise about 'it will upset her but that is o.k.  she's your mother and she would really want to know cause that's what mom's are for' a whole lot more sage advice.   It is difficult and that is why I don't want to do it...I pretend it is because of her but the reality is I don't want to deal with the fall out so it is because of me not her.   We do spend an awful lot of time telling ourselves that we don't want to hurt someone or upset someone with bad news concerning ourselves, but the truth is we are protecting ourselves not them.  I would want to know as a mother, and would be heartbroken if my daughter felt she couldn't come to me...esp with really serious here goes.

Send positive energy my way and hers too......all will be well, and I do know in my heart this is the right thing to do........

"To tell or not to tell"......????

My trip is almost over and I am very anxious to get back home.  I have had a very nice and busy time seeing old friends and making some new ones.   The weather didn't really cooperate but in the end it was still good having fun with family and friends,  even had a chance to get to know my grown nephews more and am very excited about that!!!!!   I still have one dilema to figure out though.

I am still unsure of what to do about speaking with my elderly mother about my cancer.   There is a very strong part of me that is saying 'keep quiet' it will serve no purpose, but there is another side that says 'if it was my daughter' I would want to know.   Since I have a daughter that rings pretty close to home!   I know she can do nothing being so far away, but still she is my mother.   I feel that she has had the benefit of being around me these past few weeks and seeing that I am doing pretty well.  That would hopefully alleviate some of her worries.  I just don't know.  I hate when these decisions have to be made by me.   In the beginning I didn't have to tell the time I was aware of what was going on everyone else already knew.   So what is the protocol for multiple cancer diagnoses?...maybe that is something I should think about.  It may actually be a good subject for a book....what you (the cancer patient) should do when dealing more than once with this intruder in your life!!!!   I remember thinking the second time if I should send little 'notes' out to all my friends informing them that I was again going to have surgery and chemo so they should feel free to fill my fridge with food again, decided it might be a bit tacky though.  The first time round every time you opened the fridge an entire meal jumped out onto the table.   The second time, the fridge was not quite as generous.  I wonder if maybe I should send 'notes' out this time saying, as you missed the second diagnoses just wanted you in on the third......LOL...especially to those friends whose meals I really liked!

I digress as to tell or not to tell.   I am not really looking for anyone to tell me what to do as anyone who knows me knows I can't stand being told what to do.
I just need to vent and see how I feel once I have written it.  I guess I have to admit that one of the reasons I want to tell her is that I want my Mom to know.  The little girl in me still wants my mom when I am sick.   I will continue to pray on it and see if the opportunity presents itself......

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Home sweet Home!

Well, its still raining but I am feeling much better.   Took a couple of days and just stayed put and knit!....then today I went out and bought some yarn....and a new pattern.   OMG it is amazing how the energy flows through the body when you are doing something you love.

Must admit I am feeling much better....seems a good respite from running around and being on call does help ones energy levels.   I have one more week of house sitting and then I head home.  I am very eager to be in my own surroundings and routine.  I learned that lesson well when I was sick and in the hospital.  I always seemed to do much better when I got back into  my own bed and my own familiar environment.   It is amazing how we as humans are as territorial as any other creature and that even if the new environment appears to be better the familiar one is the best.   I think we really do feel safer when we are around our own things.  Safety is a big issue when you are sick.  There are enough uncontrollable variables when you are ill without having to deal with unfamiliar places, thus at least at an unconscious level unsafe!
More and more we have come to understand that and are encouraged to go home from hospital sooner and even to be allowed to spend our final days in our home and with family looking after is amazing how we continually think we can do things better and then end up going back to the way things have been done for thousands of years.

Interesting how we all like the idea of going on holidays but then we can't wait to get home....just re-enforces how true the above is even when we aren't ill.   Well, I will enjoy the time I have left on the Coast....praying the sun might shine at least one or two days...and look forward to going home when the time comes.....till then I must go and knit my new pattern....wheeeeeeee!!!!!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Tired....bone tired!

Tired, impatient, angry, .....I hate it when I feel these feelings.   I know that something is going on b/c there are times lately when it seems that I just can't cope.   Those are times when I seem so tired, I have hit a wall.  Fatigue is so prevalent with this disease, it is like the body just can't deal with the usual day to day living.  I am so tired these days....that is all though just tired.  Bone tired!

I remember a day, before this all started, when my energy levels would soar during a trip to the East Coast.  I would be on the go all the time and loving every minute of it.  This trip, I just seem too tired to really do anything.  If I am not with my Mom I seem to just lie around and read....I haven't even been knitting lately b/c that seems to take too much concentration.   I know that stuff must be going on inside or else I wouldn't be so tired.   Other than that I feel pain, bowels are fine, etc.   If you haven't had a chronic disease I don't think you can understand the type of fatigue I am talking about.  Not just a tired from being too busy, or tired from not getting enough sleep, but more of a tired that seems to enter at a deeper level, like at the soul.  Maybe it is a more emotional as well as physical tired.    Whatever it is, it sucks.    So, off I go for a nap, and the thought of having to even go into the city to look at yarn doesn't temp me......maybe it is the weather too......fog and rain......way to heavy to carry around....

Friday, May 6, 2011

Postive, hopeful and sunny.......

So the sun is shining today....yeah.   It is so funny its like being a kid in a candy shop .....I go outside and sit, then come inside for some reason, then rush back outside just in case the sun goes away.   Even the animals are thrilled by the bright day, and think its great that we are all out on the deck!.....

I have been thinking that the weather is a really good barometer for our feelings as humans.   The past few days have been so dreary and foggy and everyone seems to have been barely able to move fast if carrying some huge burden on their shoulders....then the sun comes out and people are walking around with huge smiles and saying hello (although on the East Coast that is the norm) and the energy is just so up in the universe.  I saw this as a analogy for life.   I have watched different people deal with this illness in different ways.   Some walk around like their is this huge fog surrounding them and they can't seem to move out of it.  Others, find some amount of sun even amist the fog and clouds.   The difference in the energy is so drastic.   I have people say to me 'you are so positive' and I in someways can't imagine being any other way.   I don't always feel positive, and I am certainly not positive in a pollyanna kind of way...I realize that this is serious and that perhaps it will not go the way I want.   The positive is the kind that is hopeful and in the present moment.   Right now at this moment I feel fine and so I will live in this moment with hope that the next one will be good too.   I have refused to live in the fog walking around with a pall on my shoulders, instead I keep running to the ray of sunshine knowing that even if it is fleeting it will feel so much better.   Sounds sort of corny I know but that is how I have been feeling about things today.  I was so overjoyed to see the sun I could hardly get outside fast enough.   Even if it only lasts a couple of hours I will have sucked up all the heat, light and energy to last through another rainy day.

It is funny, this reminds me of a conversation I had shortly after my treatments were over the very first time (as if there is another kind of first time???).   Someone said to me, it seems like forever ago that you were diagnosed, and you are looking so good, I think it must be your positive attitude.   First, it didn't seem that long ago to me (like yesterday really) but I refrained from pointing that out.   The second thing is I don't know whether a positive attitude really does contribute to a longer life with cancer, but I do know that if nothing else it appears longer because I enjoy every day I have so whatever time I have I will have lived some ways that will make it longer either way.

On that note, the sun is still out, so I need to go out and suck up the positive know the saying 'wait 15 minutes on the East Coast and the weather changes".......I am taking advantage of every minute!

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


The good news is the election is over, the bad news is the election is over.   I know this has nothing to do with anything, but sometimes I just shake my head.   The fear that has risen in me though is that the changes that might ensue in our universal medical care.   When you are so dependent on an institution that your 'life depends on it' I become a little anxious when someone might decided they have a better way of doing things.   I fear that with a majority things may drastically change, read privatization!!!!!   I already worry sometimes about the long wait times and lack of beds but I know that we are so much better off than most people in the world and especially in the United States.  

So I am a little worried, but then I think, of well no point in worrying right now there will be lots of time for that at a later date.   So, what to do, oh I guess I will go and buy some yarn, that will make me feel better.....:)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Blessings in relationships....

One of the benefits that I have  been given  over the past ten years, is the ability to really get to know my family and to appreciate who they are....the good and the bad.  I think in a lot of ways, having a serious illness allows you the opportunity to separate the bs from what really matters.   I remember before I got ill I hardly knew my siblings other than in the way you know them as family.  Now I know them as people and in some instances as friends.   I spent time with my brother yesterday and I realized that the conversations and interactions were of two adults who have just also happen to have known each other for their entire life.   I felt so relaxed and even took the time to notice that he was a middle aged man who is quite soft spoken and with whom I enjoy spending time.   I actually can say that I enjoy different things about each one of them and have come to see them as individuals with their own needs, issues, desires and lives.  It may not be exactly as I would have things but it is nonetheless important to them and that is all that matters.  I am not talking tolerance, a word I am not fond of, but rather acceptance of who they are.

Families give us this amazing chance to meet people with whom we may never have connected with except that we are family, and to learn the importance of moving outside our own world and into one that is similar but at the same time so different.  In any other situation we might not even take the time to meet and get to know these people, let alone become friends!   We can do this with family, if we get rid of the 'old tapes', and look at them with new eyes.   Eyes that at first must pretend we know nothing about them and let them just evolve in front of us.   As I quoted in an earlier blog "you cannot know that which you first have not loved".....we must love them and come to know them as they are and not as we wish they were......I have been allowed the time to do that and I am so grateful.   Also...I have been allowed to see my own daughter grow into a beautiful woman and appreciate her uniqueness as well.....she is still my daughter but she is also a grown person with her own ideas, issues, needs and wants.....that is what I think I love the most and to have lived to see it is the greatest blessing of all......Open your eyes and see those family members as they really are....and love them anyways!!!!!