Monday, June 27, 2011

June 27, 2001.......2011

I remember when I was diagnosed I thought often about how long I had....what year would I make it to in the new millennium????.....never did I really believe that I would still be wondering that same thing in the year 2011.....

Today was a very reflective day.  It was sunny and warm, the sky was never bluer, the birds never sang so sweetly, and the day seemed to go on and on.   I did absolutely nothing I didn't want to do, and yet I did many many things.   I drank coffee on my swing, I spoke to my sister for an hour, I cut the grass, planted some plants, filled bird feeders, and bird baths, read my book in the shade, walked the dog, and had a wonderful meal at my favorite restaurant with my daughter.   Watched some t.v., did some laundry and relished in the fact that I was able to do all these things and loved every minute of the day.

It is now time to go to bed and pray that my life continues in this vein for another impossible number of years.
Living in the moment can mean that no matter how long you live, you live a long time....there have been so many moments over the past ten years....and I just about remember each one of them.   Thank you God for my existence, for my continued life, for all my blessings (cancer certainly not one of them), and for my daughter and all the people I have in my life that allow it to be such a full and meaningful one.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Appointments and Reality!

The ups and downs of life.   Lately, I have had a real reprieve from thinking about my 'situation', and it has been nice.  Today it is back to appointment looms.   Not that I expect any earth shattering news or anything, just that moment in time when you realize that all is not as it seems.   So, off I go to the cancer clinic, a place that brings me so far back in time it seems a lifetime ago....although in some ways it is because on Monday it will be one decade exactly to the day!

Here's to today....only a brief moment in my life but one I really wish I could miss........on the bus, driving with blinders, watch out for those spring pot holes it could be a rough ride!

PS....I will come home and wrap myself in some love......teal and white love!!!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Amazing women........

Surprises....I thought that I was past that and if not at least I would have some inclining that there was something afoot.   Obviously, I was very wrong.   Yesterday I was surprised at a number of levels, but mostly at the verbal level because I was left speechless.   Anyone who knows me would understand the level of surprise this would take.   It is one of the few times I have ever been speechless, the other times beyond my memory!

I rec'd the most beautiful gift from the most amazing women that I have entered my life over the past couple of years.  I belong to a knitting group and once or twice a week we meet to knit, chat and just enjoy the companionship of people.   We are a very diverse group of women, who most probably never would have met if not for our common bond of knitting.   That was only the beginning though.   Although knitting has brought us together, it is our sharing our stories, the good, the sad, the funny, the bad that has made us friends.  These women have become a life line to sanity during this journey and they are all on the bus, knitting furiously while I drive.   Well, now I know what they were knitting.........

This amazing afghan.....squares knitted by different women, in different patterns and sewn together.   A piece of artwork that is probably the best way to describe the community of  women that we have become.   Different squares, different patterns all sewn together to make one beautiful blanket.   A blanket of comfort and healing to keep me grounded, warm and safe during my treatment that lies ahead.

So surprised yes, speechless yes, emotionally overwhelmed yes, but also thankful, grateful and blessed to be part of a group of women who totally understand who I am and where I come from....and how to make a very talkive individually totally speechless!

I will be much more aware of what is going on behind me on the bus from now on though....the click click click of the needles will arise much more interest in the future.........

Friday, June 10, 2011

Ten years this month.....

So we have entered the month of June 2011, and thus ten years since my initial diagnosis.   I am certainly glad that the initial prognosis was wrong or else I wouldn't be here.   It was believed at the time, based on statistics, that the chances of my living three years was unlikely.   Well, I guess I just proved that statistics are based on a group, and not individuals!

Tonight, my daughter and I went to the "Relay for Life" and I did the survivor walk.  It was all her idea.  I have participated in the relay in the past but find it very difficult for a variety of reasons.  One is that the very first year the relay was in our home town, it was at my high school and I was very involved with the organizing of it from the school point of view.   Little did I know that three weeks after this first annual event I would be diagnosed with cancer., and participate as a survivor one year later.  I have never quite gotten over that.   Also, there are many people who were with me initially when I went as a survivor who are no longer here.  This event just reminds me of that fact.   I also find it very emotional walking around the track (where I used to work) with people clapping and shouting 'hurray'.   I don't like emotional events....especially when they centre around me!  It reminds me of how much I have been through and at this time in my life what is ahead of me too.

 My daughter was thrilled that I was there and for her it was a reminder not of what might have happened, but rather what hadn't happened.  I was still here to walk.   We also let balloons go, one for every year since diagnosis (I got 10!) and it was spectacular to see all balloons float up into the sky....what a visual statement of how many of us are living with cancer rather than dying from it.

   I guess in the end I am happy that my daughter cared enough to think that I should do this walk and she watched with a great big smile.  Ten years....who would ever have thought......

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


Have not been online lately, due mainly to technical problems.   My computer crashed and so I have been limited to what I am able to do.  Not that I mind, because this is the time of year that I love to move outside and leave the business of inside for awhile.   Have finished my little garden and now sit and sometimes even sleep in it whenever possible.  Just watching the birds, squirrels and my little vole preparing for their new families is such a pleasure.   If I sit quietly for a long time they forget that I am there and I can see them acting so naturally in their newly created environment.   If only we could be so present to the moment as they are.   One little bird flys to the feeder, picks up a seed and returns to her young on the fence and feeds him.  She repeats this act over and over and never seems impatient or tired....of to be as natural in my own life would be a gift......there is something to be said about being an instinctual animal, rather than a rational creature.

As soon as I have my computer back I will be more regular, till then the sun is shining, it is hot and humid and I am sitting under my walnut tree......hope you are just as relaxed!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Gardening, my new therapy!!!!

I have come to realize, in Canada at least, computers are a winter activitiy.  Now that the sun is shining, and that the rain is gone, I have taken to the spring sport of gardening.   Just being in the sun, wind and actually playing in the dirt I feel like I have a new kind of therapy.   Maybe it is the belief that I am making something come to life, a co-creator in this world of nature.   I have been so busy doing things outside that I seem to forget even to turn the computer on.   I don't think I am totally alone though, becasue my e-mail has drastically dropped.  Either everyone else is outside, or maybe I have no more friends.  Which ever, I am right now feeling quite content and happy.   I sit in my little garden and watch nature play and I feel like I am the luckiest person around.   I have helped a friend garden too, which is humbling b/c her idea of gardening and mine are quite different....she goes big I go actually helps to make my work seem manageable!!!!!

So I will occassionally take time to journal, and keep myself honest about how my life is unfolding.  I will probably complain about being tired alot, but it will be from actual physical activity.   The topics will probably be more about gardening, travelling, and just plain living, rather than depressing talk of disease and decay.   In springtime, how can anyone believe that life is temporary.  It just changes, it really doesn't end.