Thursday, February 27, 2014

Living the moment :)

Four more weeks and my life with  change forever....AGAIN!   This time in a positive and wonderful way.  I will become a Grandmother....a whole new journey, a brand new chapter and one that I have absolutely no experience or knowledge of.   Usually, when that happens in life I would be anxious but this time is so different.   I am excited and looking forward to new horizons.  No anxiety at all.   Two reasons, firstly I don't have to go through labour, and secondly I take anti-anxiety medication.  

If nothing else cancer was able to get my anxiety under control.   Statistically, they say that 40% of cancer patients experience extreme anxiety at some point after kidding.   I believe that I always had anxiety just didn't know it...and then when I started having bad panic attacks was able to attribute it to my cancer so went seeking help.   Now I am calmer than I have ever been in my life.....mellow me, mellow yellow, hmmmmmmm life is good and so are drugs :)

I digress!    So last night I had some wonderful women friends over to celebrate my daughter's pregnancy.   It was so much fun and so much pregnancy/newborn wisdom in the room.   I, being older than them, am the first to become a grandparent......they are all hoping it will be some years before they experience it as most of their children are still teenagers :)   I got to know these women mainly because I was not working, had older children, and was therefore free to help them with baby sitting, driving around and other duties that were helpful to the raising of their children.    It made me realize how lucky I really am to still be here.    I never believed that I would share this moment with these women.   I didn't share the raising of my own daughter as she was babysitting age when we met and often was looking after their little ones.   Which was also funny because their children were a little stunned that S. was now having a baby of her own.   

I have shared a good part of my journey with them and they have been an incredible support.   Often I felt that I didn't have much to offer and so they would get me involved in their families and it made me feel much more purposeful, plus I got to watch a whole group of children grow up.   So, now I get to let them be part of a big event in my life.   As they came into the room last night it was fun to see their eyes light on my daughter and the smiles cross their faces....nothing like a large pregnant woman to make another woman smile.    It was like three different age groups had merged together in the light of a new baby.....something we all knew and shared no matter what the age difference.

I sit tonight reliving the celebration, laughing at the funny stories we shared of having babies.   The different birth stories, the pain we all endured, the joy we all remember immediately upon seeing our children.   I watched as my daughter took it all in, laughed with us and at some points looked like a deer caught in the headlights.    The silly antidotes that were shared for getting through the pain after, the nursing, the bottles, the diapers.   The new things that are out that we never had....or for that matter needed.   The old remedies for  colic, sore breasts, and other parts.    SO much wisdom in one room!!!!!

I am blessed that I am here to experience another chapter in my life.    I didn't even know what I would have missed, but I am so glad I didn't.   I feel more alive now that I have in awhile.   One things I know that this journey has given me is the knowledge to live each and every moment.   I have been doing that now for almost 14 years and I am so grateful.   Every event in my life has been a celebration and is imprinted on my brain to relive in the quiet moments like now.    Many live so much of their lives in the past or the future that they miss the simple, joyful moments in the here and now.   I am so glad that my life has been lived in the present moment and not wasted worrying about what has happened or what might happen.   Had I done that I would have spend the past 14 years wondering if I was going to live or die......instead I have been blessed to live every moment.

The next few weeks are going to be so exciting......knitting up a storm and waiting to meet my beautiful grandchild.......what more could a woman ask for !

Friday, February 21, 2014

New Beginnings :)

I have still not been able to get into the groove of writing often.  I don't know if it is I don't have anything to write, or that I have so much I don't know where to start.

I have had lots of good things going on in my life and I have been busy enjoying them.  I seem to be re-entering  my life again, and rejoining past groups and seeing older (read longer ) friends.  It feels good and makes me realize that my mind set must be in a better place.

Over the past year and a half I have been grieving losses.    And most recently, the loss of my dog Bilbo.   I got her about six months after my diagnoses and never believed that I would out live her.   Yet, as life normally does , it surprised me.   I had known since the summer that her time was limited because the spunk was just not there.   After my move in November she just went down hill quickly and so I made the difficult decision to let her go.  It was horrible!     I miss her so much and I found myself going into a depression.   I know there were other factors but this seemed to be the straw.   I was spending way too much time on my own and even not leaving my apartment for days on end.   There is something to be said for an animal at least getting you up and dressed.   I don`t think I realized how much time I spent with her and fulfilling her needs.   So the winter has been a long, cold and lonely one.   I have two cats but even they seemed to realize that something was amiss.   They were close to her so I think they noticed the void too.

Well, last week all that changed.   I got a new puppy!   It was a long prayerful decision and I know that it was the right one.   She is absolutely wonderful, even amidst all the training, nipping, crying, early morning, late night wakening.   She keeps me busy, my mind focused and my day full.   I have done more walking, bending, crouching, crawling, and jumping in the past week than I have in many months.  I think I am in better shape than I have ever been.   So, a new chapter begins.

And in about a month I will be welcoming my first grandchild.   So, life is good and moving forward and ``all seems well with the world``  .,

Interesting how important our pets can be in keeping us from sliding down that slippery slop of self doubt, self loathing.   I feel invigorated and energized at the same time exhausted!!!!!!   Can`t wait till the baby comes then I will be really tired lol!

So here`s hoping  maybe I will be more able to put word to page if even just to tell about the daily antics of my little Miss Maize.....