Friday, February 25, 2011

Looking out for your Feet!!!!!!

O.K. I am really excited, I have had an experience that is new and probably the most wonderful thing I have done in sooooooo long.    I am very eclectic in most everything in my life.  I love all kinds of different music, I have a variety of friends with various interests, my furniture comes from flea markets, yard sales, and other people's basements, my spiritual beliefs run the gamut, and I love food that tastes good.   So it's  no surprise that when dealing with my health I am very open minded to a number of different approaches.

I believe that I must use traditional medicine to make sure that I live long enough to try the less traditional methods.   As Dr. Andrew Weil says, if it is between living and dying whether you do chemo, do the chemo till you find something better!!!!  So, I do chemo!   I also take lots of vitamins, eat very little fat and non-processed foods, and try really hard to get some exercise......that means walking.  Again quoting Dr. Weil, we are bipeds so really the best exercise for us is walking....and I love walking (swimming too).   But again I have wandered off on a the new experience.    Just as I make sure I consume healthy food ect., I also make sure that I am kind and soothing to my body.  I have gone for massages for the better part of 20 years and I would suggest that everyone should do so.   It is so relaxing, if for no other reason than you have to lie still for an .....The other day I decided to try Reflexology.....OMG it was the most wonderful one hour I have ever spent.   I love to have my feet rubbed so that was the attraction initially.   Well, it is the most relaxed I have been in ages.   It took me the rest of the day to just get back to a somewhat normal stress level in order that I could function.  I lay there for one full hour while the therapist first massaged with the intent of pressing pressure points.   There were spots on my feet that thought they died and had gone to heaven without the rest of my body.   It was like they had been awakened from an eternal rest.   Ohhhhh it was so great.    THEN, the therapist massaged my feet and calves and I just melted into the table like I was ice turning into water.   (I even caught myself twice starting to snore LOL).   I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it......oh I guess I just did.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who has any stress, is burnt out, or just needs a little TLC, go for reflexology.   The bonus is its cheaper than a massage, and in my estimation much much more relaxing.....So, my prescription for this week is to BE NICE TO YOUR FEET, and your soul will never forget you.
It is important no matter what is going on in our lives to take some quality time and make sure all the parts are covered.    So emotional, spiritually, mentally and physically make sure you do something each week for each area.   I know that I will be doing this again.    Life is so wonderful when the whole body is happy!!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Cancer takes everything.....but not my Soul!

 I consider myself a very spiritual person.  I use the word spiritual as opposed to religious, because as those who know me would agree I am certainly anything but religious.   I have a very strong faith, and it is very much my own.    I believe that faith has played a very large part in how I have chosen to journey with this disease.   Cancer has the ability to take everything you hold dear  away, sometimes even unfortunately friends who may be incapable of dealing with this horrible disease.   The one thing that cancer can not take away, without my permission, is my faith (or read Soul)..and that is not going to happen.

One of the main things I believe human beings need in life more than anything or anyone is Purpose.   We must believe that there is a reason for us to be here and we must be allowed to at least try to achieve it.  Over the past ten years I have found that many, very kind and compassionate people, have not quite understood that.   When I am sick, and I mean in bed, throwing up, cranky sick, I need to have things done for me and actually I would rather not be counted on  too much.   On the other hand, when I am not 'sick' just not totally healthy, I have to believe that there is something that I am necessary for in this life.   I know the old adage that we have value simply by being, and I believe that, but I also know that when I am capable I want to do more.   I have been very blessed in my life with a group of people who have allowed me to be very important and useful in the midst of my illness.  It is so nice to know that I can still lend an ear, make someone smile, and just help out in general for those who are also struggling with their own problems.

The reason I wanted to talk about this is that I don't know if many understand this.   Unless you have been there, maybe you think that protecting people and sheltering them from everyday life is what they need.  Note I say need, they may not necessarily want to be involved but they NEED to be in order to live.   One can exist on this earth for years without actually living.  Allow them to do something for you, or listen to a problem that maybe you are having, share your feelings about their illness, allow them to comfort you.  To move outside of ourselves allows us the ability to put the focus on another rather than always feeling that the spotlight is on us.   It gets really uncomfortable to always feel that I am the only needy person.  I have people in my life that allow me to help them and they will never know what that means to me.   At least if I am still capable, I really need to be involved.   Don't decide that things are too much for me, or that I have enough going on without you adding your problems.  Needing me gives me energy, and energy gives me the ability to battle this awful disease.

So the next time you meet someone who is struggling with loss or illness, give them something important to do being that presence in your life that you have been in theirs.   My faith says that God exists, but God exists most fully in other people helping other people.....please continue to see God in me....and not in some saintly way but in a very human way!

Monday, February 21, 2011

Choosing how to live.....

Well, in my part of the world today it is a holiday, Family Day.    And that is exactly what I plan on doing, spending it with family.   Although true to a young person's way, my daughter is home but sleeping....I guess I can't have it all.   Later we will watch a movie and spend some quality time together but in the meantime I will let her sleep and I will putter.   We rec'd 20 cm of snow last night so we won't be going too far, not that I care.

Since my appt on Thursday, I have been feeling light and joyful.   The little things in my life have again become important, like cooking, cleaning etc.   I am really enjoying focusing of these somewhat mindless jobs, rather than worrying about my health.   I don't show my worry very much, and am usually able to put on a smile and go through the motions but I realize I am not so good at it as I thought.   Over the past few days I have run into people and without a word from me they have commented on how good I look.   They tell me I seem brighter than I have lately, more up beat.   Well, who would have thought that what I was feeling on the inside was so obvious on the outside.   Mind you, I remember years ago when I was doing 'work' on myself my goal was to hopefully allow the inside to match the outside.  Maybe I was too successful that now when I want to hide it, I haven't the skill anymore.

I am reading a very good book called, "Taking the Leap" By Pema Chodron.    My reading is very eclectic, especially when it comes to spiritual books.   This author has a number of books that I have read and I find her gentle way of addressing our habits and fears allows me an openness to examine them honestly.   In this book she talks about how we can choose our journey ......she uses a Native American story of two wolves found fighting in your heart.  One is vengeful and angry and one is kind and understanding.    The winner will be the one you 'choose to feed'.  I love this analogy for dealing with cancer.    I can give into the fear and terror of this disease and let it keep me locked inside of myself or I can choose to 'feed' the positive, hopeful wolf, and live each day to the fullest.  I choose the latter.   What is the point of my continuing to live, if what I am doing is not living?    I can exist for decades with cancer, and not have lived a minute, or I can live for days with cancer and have done enough to make it feel like a decade.  

As I go off to wake my daughter, I am giddy with life.   My body feels better than it has in months, my mind is active and wanting to engage....what better way to spend Family day.    I guess being positive is more than just talking the talk, you have to feel it all the way down to your toes, in order to walk the walk.    Happy Family Day all, I am off the bus and I just might have a picnic in my living room today...who knows!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Good news..........and Cancer?????

Feeling really good.....and interestingly I realize that my desire to blog is often directly proportional to how good or bad I am feeling.   It is easier to do other things and avoid the need to journal when I am feeling up, but I think it is just as necessary for me to write about the good stuff as well as my not so good.   At least then I have a record of what I feel in reality and not just on the bad days.

Had my appt the other day, and was so surprised at how anxious I was.  I have had the same physician for over 9 years and to have to meet a new one, and then go through the entire 'story' was a little unsettling.  It seems to make everything all the more real.  Reciting everything that I have dealt with over 9 years can be emotional.  I have learnt to live more in the moment, so when I put it all out there at once I too become a little overwhelmed.  One thing that I did do was make sure someone else was there and it was so good.   By the end of the appt I had no memory of anything.  I was so exhausted both physically and emotionally.  I had a pounding headache and just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere.   And that was with good news, imagine how I would have felt had the news been bad!!!!!!  This disease on all levels really tests your endurance and stamina.   My friend didn't just drop me off at home either, she invited me to go and watch her boys play high school basketball.   I wasn't too keen about it but I went.   It was exactly what I needed, a complete and total distraction from the realities that I had been dealing with.   Had I gone home directly, I probably would have sat and tried to remember everything that was said and just further exhausted myself.   By the time I got home I was too tired to think so I just went to bed.   The next morning brought a much better perspective and I remembered most of what had taken place without even trying.   I change really is as good as a rest!

The news is very hopeful.  There are a number of options that I can choose from when I decide to do treatment. (I will outline those specifically in a future blog).  That alone makes me feel like I am really driving the bus, and no need to give the wheel over for quite some time.   There are new drugs available that weren't when I was diagnosed even just the last time which was only 5 years ago or so.   Also, the doctor mentioned that even trials will be available to me should I need to go that route, which was surprising because the more treatments you have the less likely you can be in a trial.  One funny aside, he told me there are also treatment trials going on that I am 'too' healthy for....who would have thought!   

My memory has returned over the last couple of days.  I am assimilating all the information that I rec'd, with the help of my support person who helps me remember things.   It is absolutely necessary at times like this that we have other think that you will remember everything but you don't.  Your mind becomes overwhelmed with all the information and it is like a computer that just shuts down.   Having that second set of ears allows you to relax a little afterwards knowing that you have someone to discuss the appt with later.
As I said, I have been mulling things over in my mind and I am feeling much better.  I don't think I realized how scared I really was.   I mean, I have already outlived the statistics, so there is the thought that maybe my luck is running out.   Not according to this physician....lots of options and no need to rush things.  YEA!!!!!
So I will continue with my 'normal' (always relevant) life for the time being and when the time comes to make decisions (based on how I am feeling) I know that there will be something that can be I am off the bus for awhile enjoying the almost springlike weather....although it is cold again today....and loving my life.....

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Cancer and Research....a partnership

There is a saying I heard many years ago when I was first diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.    "The longer you live with cancer, the longer you will live".   I don't think at the time I truly understood the significance of this statement.    I do now.    The research that is going on for this disease is immeasurable.   What is done now in one year would have taken 10 years a few decades ago.   I found out I had cancer in 2001, and at the time the prognosis for Ovarian Cancer was very bleak.   Interestingly, I had known someone who had died from this exact cancer 29 years earlier and the statistics had not changed much for late stage diagnosis.   It still is a really bad cancer, and if I had been given the choice I would not have chosen this one.   There are so many more 'curable' (I use the term loosely) ones to pick from.   There are still no diagnostic tools available that can pick up this cancer in the early stages with any reliability.   The ultrasounds, and blood tests are not very effective   So it still has a very high mortality rate because  most will be diagnosed in late stage and over 55% will die within the first year.    Of all the gynecological cancers, over 50% of the deaths this year will be from Ovarian Cancer alone.  

So, what's the good news!   Well it seems that since my initial diagnoses there has been an amazing amount of research done on various therapies to try and halt the disease or at least improve remission periods.  Ten years ago (actually 9.5) there was only really one type of chemo that even remotely had the possibility to give women some type of remission or reprieve from the illness.  Surgery was and still is the best for survival rates, but chemo is almost always necessary in addition. Now, there are more drugs available and the research into other forms of therapy to at least make the tumors drug sensitive or less vascular are hopeful.
The reason I am so excited about this has a very personal point.   I am off to see a different oncologist this week, in order to cover all my bases.   I will probably be able to have surgery again, PLEASE, as that would be the best scenario, but just in case I want to know what my other options are. You see surgery is usually only an option in the initial diagnoses, not in recurrent times.  I have been extremely lucky to have been one of the rare cases where I had surgery the second time...third time who knows!  So I have been doing my own research so that when I see the Medical Oncologist (as opposed to Surgical) I can have some questions to ask.  I believe in being a very active partner in my own journey.   Not that I don't trust the doctors, because I do, but because I believe that it is my responsibility to at least have some idea of what is going on with my particular disease.   It would be much easier  to just defer the responsibility but that has never been my way of doing things, so I am not about to start now.    I feel it is important to know what has happened in the world of research in order that I can at least have some idea of what to ask, and it makes me sound intelligent too!!!!!  

This journey was never one I wanted to take and as I have said "it is not of my own making"   but it is my journey and I don't want to be just an idle passenger on the bus.    I like to drive the bus periodically, although I will give over the wheel when it comes to difficult medical procedures....and I do listen........although most people that know me might find that hard to believe.   I listen.....I research....I ask questions.....and then WE decide what is best....its a journey of more than one!!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Needing to be needed.......

My profession was one of helping people.  Living in the same town it is not uncommon for me to still be available for those who need a shoulder to cry on or just an ear. I am still very capable of being a presence to another which is often all they need in times of crises.  I am happy when others want me to help, more so now as it means that even though I am retired, (read long term disability), I am still a valuable part of the community and necessary even.

What always surprises me, is that often others feel that they are adding to my burden because I have to deal with my own problems as well.   It is completely different from the way  I see it.   Perception is so personal!    Having cancer has often made me feel like I am on the periphery looking in as I no longer seem to have the active role I used to.  Having been a  caregiver that is even more difficult.   I remember when I first got sick, and I was discussing how my daughter and I would journey through this.  One of the things I remember saying is "if I still have to be a mom, then that means you still have to go to school and learn"....."neither of us gets to slack off".   It was my way of giving my daughter permission to continue, in some small way,  being a child.  I remember one of her teachers didn't want to call me about some difficulties that she was having b/c he didn't want to bother me.   I told him very firmly but kindly, "I don't know how long I have to be her mother, but please let me be it as long as I have."   Feisty thing I was!    Allowing me to focus on other things and people actually is a form of takes my mind off my problems for a time. 

Those of us who are dealing with illness or loss need to be needed.    It is part of the human condition.  To take that away only increases the emphasis on the illness, and makes us feel more isolated.   I do admit that there are times when I don't have the energy to take on any further problems, but I have been graced to realize that and to say no.   Just because I say no today, does not mean that I will say no tomorrow.   Keep needing me, so that I will realize that I am important and necessary.  There is nothing worse than to feel redundant or useless...especially when you have an illness that may last for years.    Cancer is a disease that often people live with today, rather than die from.   It is important that their emotional well being be taken care of as well as their physical needs.   Also, it is even more important to allow us to decide for ourselves what it is we want to do and no do.   I remember having to say to someone in the early days,  "I have cancer in the ovaries, not the brain.  I can still think for myself".   We have lost so much with this illness, don't take away our ability to participant in whatever life we still have.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Honesty and children.......and Cancer

Relationships are what life is all about.  I have the best one with my daughter who is now a young adult.  I have to admit that our journey through cancer has had a very large part in the relationship we now share.   Often, these are the times in our life that we can either improve the relationship with our children, or have them move to a place of fear and mistrust.   I am so grateful that I took the risks necessary to involve her in my journey even though it almost tore my heart out to do so.   I did not turn her into a caregiver, or depend on her for emotional support which would have been very harmful to her, but rather I was always honest and upfront so that she could be assured that what was going on really was the truth.   It is hard often for parents to be honest with their children, but in some ways that is because it is easier if we don't have to deal with their emotional fallout.  It can be a bit of a cop out b/c it allows us the distance we may feel is the long run this is not better for either party.

When I was first diagnosed, my daughter was only 12 years old and in grade 6.  It was only the two of us, as most of my family lived thousands of miles away.   We had a good relationship to begin with, but this was very traumatic.   I don't even remember telling her initially about the diagnoses.   According to her, I did it very calmly and quietly, making sure that she listened to everything and didn't just hear the word 'cancer' and go off to a place of fear and dread.  I told her that I had cancer, but that we would get through this together whatever that meant.....and that she would always know what was up.   I even went as far as allowing her to talk to the doctor herself and ask any questions which she might have.   Never underestimate children, they think alot and often their imagination can take them to far worse places than the truth will.

As time went on, we seemed to settle into the journey of day to day life with cancer.   Then one day while she was lying in bed with me she just asked the question "what will happen if you die".  Oh my goodness, you can imagine how that hit me between the eyes.   Not that I hadn't thought about it, but for her to actually articulate her own fear of it.    Of course, my initial reaction was to say "don't worry everything will be fine" but I didn't because I knew that I couldn't guarantee that.   So instead I told her "no matter what happens you will be won't be the best thing if I die, and neither of us want that, but if that is what happens you will be o.k., that I promise".    She started to cry and than I said, "I want you to think of all the people who you know that love you so much and who love you too".   She began naming different people, family member, friends, even some of my fellow teachers etc.    We talked about each person and how we had met them, how long we had known them.   After a very long time of talking, she looked at me and said "you know you are right, I don't want you to die, but I won't be alone, there are lots of people who love me."   What a revelation for such a young child.    Her real fear, apart from being separated from me, was of being left alone.  I couldn't promise that I wouldn't die, but I could promise that she would be looked after and not be left alone.    For the time being that really helped to allay her fears and we were able to again continue on our way.

Two days ago, I had a girls day with my daughter, who is now 22.   We have an amazing relationship, one of friendship, family, and just of two women in the world.   We laugh, we cry, and we even kidding!    I cannot regret where we have had to go in order for us to have ended up here today.  I wouldn't change that relationship, and so I guess I can't regret the illness that brought such a strong bond between us.  I don't like it, wouldn't want to re do it, but it has allowed us to have a mother/daughter relationship that most people never achieve.    All it took was my being aware that good relationships begin with honesty, respect, and trust no matter what age and no matter what the journey...I thank God that I had the grace 9 years ago to allow her to come on this journey with me rather than trying to protect her and leaving her behind.

She too is on the bus with us, but in a very quiet way.   She has come to realize that when it is time to worry I will let her know, but until then I expect her to get on with her own life and her own journey.    The best part is that she is doing exactly that........she is listening to me   her mother!!!!!!!! and her friend.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Finding joy......amidst the disease

Finding Joy, I think that was the title of a C.S. Lewis book about his American wife.   Well, it certainly applies to the story of finding 'Biblo'.    I don't mean the hobbit, I am speaking of my little Shi Tzu dog who I brought into our home just over 9 years ago.     It is interesting that sometimes when we do things that appear at the moment to be rather crazy, end up being one of the best things we could have done.   I have been very aware of this lately and this event came to mind.

I was just finished chemo.  I had been diagnosed with Stage IIIc, Grade 3, Ovarian Cancer six months prior and had spent the past six months having surgery and chemo.   The chemo was horrendous and our house had been full of strangers and family on and off for the entire time.  This was a good thing, but it had caused so much chaos in our lives we didn't know which end was up or down, or what was missing!

It was at the end of my chemo and it was the beginning of December so it was very cold.   My daughter desperately needed a new winter coat so we took a day and went shopping.   That is all very relevant b/c in those days....going shopping meant one store, in and out, and then home again exhausted!
We went to the mall and as we were walking in we happened to look into the pet store.   There was a little white ball of fur, all by herself, in a a cage  just calling out to us.   We went in and of course I said "can I hold her" and well you know the rest.....done!   So we ended up leaving with this little ball of fur.   As I mentioned that was the one store so off we went home.....coat less unless you count the four legged one with the furry coat!    Crazy, right.   You don't know how crazy.   I already had a dog at home, and he wasn't the kind to like new additions.   Well, we brought our little bundle home, and put her on the floor.  Our dog came over thinking it was a stuffed toy and proceeded to pick her up.   Then she moved, and he leaped backwards swallowing his bark, and never attempted to do that again.   They were, if not friends, housemates until his death last March (he was 16 years old)

Everyone thought I had lost my mind, including me, and I  just blamed it on a very 'low sugar' moment.   It may seem like something crazy to do, but in the end it was a God incident.  I don't believe in coincidences.
This little bundle of fur brought JOY back into our home....something we hadn't even noticed was missing b/c we were so wrapped up in all the dark, scary  stuff about cancer.   All of a sudden we were laughing out loud, giggling with each other, and calling to one another to 'come see Bilbo' do this or that.   We had found joy again through this little furry creature.   I have never for a moment regretted bringing her home, and my daughter doesn't even mind that she spent the entire winter season in a coat that was really a bit too small for her.

Never underestimate what little event in your life may be the event that will turn things around.   Again, living in the moment without all the baggage of what ifs, or maybe nots, is really important when you have a serious illness.   If it feels like it is suppose to happen, than maybe it is even if everyone else thinks your nuts.    Biblo is still here and still makes me laugh, and I often refer to her as my chemo dog.     Low blood sugar or not, she was destined to be a member of our house.
I have no desire this time to get another dog......but I did recently get two kittens.....OMG

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A different anxiety.......and Cancer

OK, so now we wait.   As I mentioned in another blog, there is the 'Day Before Syndrome" as you anticipate the appointment to come.   Then, and what I am going through now, is the 'After the Tests Anxiety".   The tests were done, CT Scan and blood tests.   Of course, no one can say anything except "you doctor will have the results in a few days".   So now I wait.

I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises.  I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head.   It is just the whole idea  of having to wait and talk to someone about it.   Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that.  I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago.    I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible.  But, oh the wait.   A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'.   If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years.   I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.

I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking.   As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted.  I have since changed that  behaviour, probably for the good.   I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself.   Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check.   So many people there, and most of them not young.   That too was a real revelation.   When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease.   He said how young I was (42) to have cancer.   Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young.  When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair.   Even in this day of dyes!!!!!   There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life.  When you have cancer getting old is a bonus!  I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain.   It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.

Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours.   This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety.    So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!

Saturday, February 5, 2011 the midst of Cancer

I could barely contain myself and get to the computer this morning.  I have had a revelation!   I had it while making my bed, which is not something that usually happens with such a mundane task.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling depressed.  It took a lot of courage on my part to admit that as I am not usually so public about how I am immediately feeling.   The result of that admission though has been astounding.   After I wrote that I literally wallowed in my depression.   I stayed home, putts around the house doing minor things, but things that need doing and that I hadn't had the energy for.   The other thing that I did was slept.   I would do a little, lay down for a  nap and then wake up hours later, thinking this is not good.  But again I would putts and then lie down.   Yesterday I slept for hours and woke up into the evening.   Watched mindless t.v. and then went to bed thinking 'I am never going to be able to sleep".   I began to read and then turned off my light and slept some more.   Waking very early this morning, No Kidding, I thought I don't want to get out of bed, but I will never be able to sleep, and then slept for a couple more hours.   Rising from my bed, I putts around some more.    Then, while making my bed, I realized that I felt more rested and more up beat than I had for weeks.   So, the revelation, maybe sometimes depression is a way for the body to force you to get what you need.   I obviously needed down time, but am not the sort of person who would do that voluntarily because I would feel uncomfortable doing nothing.    Depression gave me the permission and it feels good.  

Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away.   For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body.   Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer  years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating.   This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it.   Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.

So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities.   I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Well, I think the 'denial' bus has finally completed its journey.  It is parked in a very large snow bank!  I realized last night that I am somewhat depressed.   No kidding, you might say, but I am surprised.   I guess I never thought that I would go through that part of grief.   The reality came to me in the middle of the night but I think the seed was planted about a week ago by a friend.  She casually mentioned that perhaps I was depressed and of course I completely ignored her.   I feel tired, at a very deep soul level.   I am not weepy or feeling sorry for myself just completely drained.   In addition, I think I am terrified.  For me to admit that is something really big, and means that maybe I have had some major growth in my emotional personal side over the past few years.  I usually never admit fear even if I am standing in it up to my eyeballs.  It is a sign of weakness, vulnerability and I don't like that. I really don't believe that but old tapes are hard to quiet.  Plus, I refuse to allow myself to spend my life, whatever time I have, being is such a waste of time.  Moving on.....

Back to depression, so much easier to deal with.   I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed.   I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid.   It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done.  You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type.  I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person.  It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything.   Also, I become more internalized and quiet.   Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state.   Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet" its just easier to stay home.   Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.

So, I am depressed.    Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out.   The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it.  You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it.    I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful.  I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly.       The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly.  I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing.   So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea.    Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.

I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour.