Monday, November 28, 2011

Humour and LIfe

I haven't written in a long while.  It is the waiting period and it seems that I always get stuck and don't know how to feel or what to say.   I feel like I am in a 'limbo' state not really knowing what is going on but knowing that at some point I will get 'told' how I am doing.  It sounds crazy but for anyone who has a chronic disease I think it is very understandable.   Sometimes, you just don't know how to be.   You don't trust your body to always tell you what is going on because it has proven in the past to have betrayed you.    I also just realized that I am speaking in the second person as if I am trying to keep an arms length from things.  

I have a lot going on and there have been some really good moments in the past couple of weeks.   I went to a cancer fundraiser last weekend and it was really good.   It was a 'play' called the Rabbit Hole Monologues.   It was written by a woman who had breast cancer and it was about the various parts of her journey from diagnosis to now.   It was hilarious.   I love when I can look at this disease and see the comedy of errors that surround me while I journey through it.   Often it is the characters that you meet along the way that give you the laughs.   Often, those who I would assume would be the most understanding and perhaps comfortable with it, and yet they make the best mistakes.   I kept the program and thought I must sit and think of my journey in a similar way....different little one act plays of situtations that have arisen over the past almost eleven years.   I may just write my own monologues.
I really enjoyed the night.   I did meet someone who couldn't imagine how you could find humour in such a serious subject......I am hoping that he enjoyed the evening and maybe saw that life can be funny even at the most serious of times.  

I think I have had my best laughs when the times have called for crying.   Laughter is only the other side of the coin from crying.   Both offer a release of energy that can only be positive for the physical as well as emotional well being of the person.   Unfortunately, in our society we have so many rules for when it is appropriate to laugh and to cry that most of us are bound up into conformity.  I love my Irish roots that have allowed me my dark humour often to the shock of some bystanders.   I get no better pleasure out of taking a serious, often taboo subject, and telling a hilarious story around it.   Most people laugh in the end but I have had some who don't get the humour.  I must say that I feel sorry for anyone who can't laugh at life, because I don't know how you can live for long if you can't laugh at the things that you must go through in this state of being.

Well, I will continue to wait but now I have a job to do.  I must sit and write my own version of monologues if for no other reason but to pass the time and keep my spirits up..........oh! I remember the time when I had my head shaved by a nurse................

Friday, November 18, 2011

Deciding to embrace the season.....

Ok, so today I woke up and decided it was time to stop the pity party.  I have been in a not so good mood for awhile and it is taking a toll on my sanity.  I 'kicked' myself in the butt today and made a decision to start seeing things in a better light.  I am always saying that it is 'attitude' that you take to life that determines how you see reality, but lately my attitude has sucked.   Not that I am apologizing for it, nor that I don't sometimes deserve to be miserable, just that the time has come to move on.

I have been slowly being drawn into the holiday spirit, and made the decision today to bring that spirit to my own home.    Went to Michael's to get some crafty stuff to make wreaths, something I haven't done since my daughter was little.    Then we (my daughter and I) decorated some wreaths.   It is a beginning to what I think is going to be a very nice Christmas.    The holiday season is often seen as a time that we are suppose to be happy, and full of hohoho's but sometimes it just doesn't work.  That is fine as long as it is a conscious decision to be a 'grinch'.   There have been a few years where that is how I felt and I heard someone say one time "how you feel when you put your feet on the ground in the morning (esp Christmas) is fine"....but the same goes for deciding to be happy too.

I am determined to make this year a great time.    I know that I may feel lousy some days and the pain may get to me, but overall I am going to have a nice time.   I am going to make the best of a bad situation.   It isn't always easy, but just living in the moment, and one day at a time and anything is possible.    I just hope that I can postpone the surgery till after Christmas so that I am mobile for the holiday....hard to cook turkey and wrap presents when you gut is sliced open.    My daughter made a joke (or what she thought was a joke) today.   She said, as we parked far away for the door to Michael's as I always do, "when you have your surgery will you get a handicapped parking permit?" she smiled and got out of the car.   I am a firm believer that the people who park close to the doors of stores all PAY for gym memberships......I digress as usual.

So as I was saying, we made wreaths....quess which one is mine and which is hers......we had so much fun and it is so nice to see how she is her own self.....nothing like her very obviously traditional we have begun to embrace the season.....and the weather seems to be doing the same...brrrrr....well will keep you all posted of how we continue to decorate and get ready for the CHIRSTmas season......

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Life happens.......

Life is never boring...but sometimes it is very frustrating.   So I have been waiting for that next scan.....

I had wonderful plans for Thursday, made a few weeks ago.   My nerves haven't been the best so I have been cooking and baking up a storm.  My daughter has always said that 'we eat the best when mom is stressed'..well yestereday I made a big pot of my favorite soup and also decided to make a cake that I love and haven't had in a year or so.    Thought I would share it with friends on Thursday and was psyched.    Well, as life would have it...all that changed with a phone call.   I rec'd a call saying that I was to have a scan at 3:30 Thursday, and I wasn't to EAT anything after breakfast.    OHHHHHHH....when I went to pick up the prep I mentioned to the ladies at reception that this test really was interfering with my plans and explained why.  They looked at me with great compasion and empathy, I thought, then said, well bring it here we can still eat!!!!!

So, I didn't eat but watched as friends enjoyed my preparations.   It was still fun, but reminds me that never think your day is going to turn out the way you have planned.    Life seems to hit you in the face while you are looking the other way.    I have always be heard to quote "if you want to give God a laugh, tell her your plans for the day".....I guess this time I got caught in my own words.    Well the scan is done and now hopefully we can make some decisions on when the surgery will happen....and if nothing else we have begun to get ready for Christmas.....right Tom?????

Friday, November 11, 2011

Novermber 11, 2011

So, off to the doctors yesterday....was to be a very long day so I brought my knitting and a crossword book and didn't wear a watch.   All the necessities I have learnt over the years when going to the Cancer Clinic.   They call it the Cancer Program but I refuse to use that name as I it would make me feel like I am in some kind of a 'sit com' at someone elses expense.   Program to me is something you attend for a very short period of time...or something you watch on t.v.    Anyways, I am off topic again!

Off we go, and of course it is not the long day we anticipated.   Why?   Not because the doctors are on time, that would be miraculous.   No because the tests I had last week were not reported on properly so the oncologist couldn't make any decisions.    Not only were they incorrect, they didn't even talk about the tumor.   So, maybe it isn't there I said......unfortunately that isn't te case.   This means that I have to have another ct scan and now an MRI too.   At this rate I will be able to be my own glowing Christmas tree this year, or I will save a fortune in hydro costs b/c you can just plug everything into me.   Maybe, I could make money by being an amazing display of lights all by myself at Pinafore Park this year.  That was my day yesterday the bus is definetly stopped for awhile while we re-group and do some more tests......onto another subject

Today is November 11, and we will be remembering our vets from all the wars.   I will put aside my own crosses and bear the one for those fallen, injured, and still living men and women who have offered their lives so that we may live the life we live..    Off to the school to celebrate with the students.   That will lift my spirits and make me feel very alive ......have you ever tried to move through the halls between periods at a high school....if you stand still long enough you won't survive to talk about it :))   so for all my complaining today I will go and offer up prayers and thanksgiving to all those who have suffered much more than I.   

Lest we forget!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Not a good time lately.....

So, have made it through another week.   That in itself should be considered a miracle.   Life is so tenuous that making it from one day to the next is often nothing short of miraculous.  We don't often think of life as that precious in our affluent society.  Many societies have a much better appreciation of how precarious life is, and they tend to know what is really important and what isn't.  Often, it is said that in order to know what is important in your life, watch at see what makes you that is a very good measure of how you are doing in life.   If its the untangling of Christmas lights, or the bad job your housekeeper did, maybe you need a lesson in gratitude....if that is all you have to complain about I think maybe you despterately need a life.   I sound short, but that is because my life at the moment is not going the way I would like it to go, and that makes me angry, and I guess a little jealous of those who 'seem' to be doing better.   That is not a fair judgement though b/c we all have crosses to bear some are just more obvious than others.....

Biblo had her surgery yesterday, and I am gratful that all went will, but still a little pissed that it happened at all.   Tomorrow is my turn.   I see the doctors and determine when I will be having surgery.   Honestly, I would rather be doing anything else at this time in my life but I guess somethings are just not in my control.    The one good thing about all this is,  I will hopefully come out of the surgery without any pain in my hip and leg and actually be able to finally get a good nights sleep.   So off we go on another journey with this damn cancer.   

I probably shouldn't have written today because I am anything but in a good mood.   I must say though, I am grateful for the people in my life and my faith and don't know how I would make it without both.  So in the midst of all this other crap I am still able to glimpse the good stuff....and that is always is better than the alternative!!!!!! :)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

On Overload........

So, I have reached my limit....there was a book that was written by Gilda Radner the comedian called "Its Always Something" and right now that is exactly how I feel.   Yesterday, I had another ct scan...(I figure at this rate I should be 'glow in the dark' before long) and so emotionally that took a toll on me.  It is hard to go through these tests without having to relive at some level all the other times related to cancer.

Needless to say, I was exhausted and did nothing much else for the rest of the day.   Today, I woke up and went to a wonderful breakfast being held to raise money for VAW and it was awesome.  The speaker was great, saw people I hadn't seen for ages, and ate lots.   Then home and feeling energized decided to get the house in order for the up coming weekend......old friends coming for a visit.    BUT, my little dog, Bilbo  

wasn't feeling well and I knew that meant she had to see the vet....$$$$$$$$ is what that means.  Well, little did I know how much $$$$$$$$ that would mean.  Yes she is sick and guess what, she needs surgery!!!!!!!!! OMG not now...I have no more excess cash, energy, emotional capability ....I am running on empty...and now this.  I am awaiting a date for my own surgery and now she needs it sympathetic illness or what.

My first thought is, take me out into a field and shoot me....but then I don't really want to die I just want all my problems to disappear....I know this too shall pass but in the meantime, I think I will go bury my head in the pillow and just sleep, sleep, sleep.    I wish sometimes that I could have one whole week with absolutely 'nothing', no bad news, no upsets, no tests, no doctor appts, no nothing.   Except of course, I want my friends, my knitting, my daughter, my pets (even the sick ones), my life.   I guess I really am o.k.....I do want my life and so I guess that means that I just need to do one day at a time and hope for the best.     But really, how much can a person take before they explode.....

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Friends....thank God for them!

Well tomorrow is another 'test' day.   I will spend more time in the car than I will at the hospital b/c I have to go all the way to the north end of London for a ct scan.    I guess in order to get you in faster you have to be willing to travel.   So no coffee in the biggest beef with tests.   I can't have anything to drink or eat before hand....why I don't know because it's my hip that they are checking.  That means that I will be cranky till I get my morning caffeine.   Oh what a terrible cross that I must bear.

On another note, I want to tell you about a friend of mine.   She is a relatively new friend, but I really enjoy her and she has some very interesting ways about her.   One, she is always looking to encourage people to do new things, like gardening, looking up names of plants in books, and how to iron linen.   I have learnt so much from her.    Well, now she is set on teaching a group of us how to decorate for the holidays.  Our first course took place in September when she asked us to her house for lunch and knitting.   Little did we know that we would have to learn a new skill before the fun began.   The only thing was I didn't really feel that I had pulled my weight b/c I wasn't feeling very well...although I did offer to make everyone tea while we were knitting in the sunroom....

It seems that she has decided that she needs to give us another lesson in decorating and thought the Christmas season would be a good time.   Feeling that perhaps I wouldn't be much help, I mentioned that  I didn't know if I would be up to decorating and was feeling bad about it.   Oh course, I expected her to dismiss my concerns and just tell me 'it will nice to just have you with us.'     No, she decided it was more important to make me feel like one of the gang and said instead "oh I have just the right job for you to do, someone needs to unwrap the ornaments for th tree and hand them to the person can do that, and you can sit while you do it"....isn't that sweet of concerned for my needs and wanting me to feel useful.....

Now, normally when I 'play the cancer card' people are much more sympathetic and tell me not to worry....but no not her......she will find something for me to do, and it won't be just making tea.   So, I guess after 10 years I have finally met my match......I think I will call her Tom Sawyer from now on because she is able to make decorating for her seem like a fun thing to Tom, when do you want the decorating staff over????????.....oh before you go south for your vacation, of course!