Thursday, October 11, 2012

Life's curves........

It has been another while since I posted but anyone who knows me will realize that I have just been too overwhelmed recently to even think about putting anything on paper (or the equivalent) .

Pictures have always spoken to me.  I love photographs because not only do they capture a moment in one's life, but they often symbolize what is going on at that point in time.   The things we decide to save often indicate where we are on our journey.   This picture was taken recently while I was driving to my mother's funeral.   It was so beautiful with all the colours of fall and I knew that if my mom had been with me she would have loved it.    She absolutely loved the autumn season! also represents for me the loneliness I am feeling right now.   There are few other travellers who I feel connected to with at this moment in time.   That is o.k. because in many ways I am not in a place to want or need others.....I am finding the solace in my memories and being alone allows me that time to reflect and to remember.   

I have had a very busy couple of months....I am still trying to figure out where September went????
In addition to my mother's death, I had to have emergency surgery while on the East coast, help clear out my mom's apartment, come back to Ontario and pick up my daughter and then drive back to the East coast for mom's funeral.   Although it seems like a lot there were some very cathartic moments in amidst all that chaos.    Nothing in this life happens that cannot be of value for one's journey upon reflection.....the key is to stop long enough in life to actually reflect.

The surgery forced me to stay much longer initially on the coast, which then allowed me to be with my sisters and brother during the closing of my mother's apartment.   It was a sad time, but there was lots of laughter and some tears and I am so glad that I was there....without my little emergency that would not have happened.   The trip back by car too had many advantages.....coming home and turning around to go back seemed way too much to do....but I wouldn't have traded that journey for anything now that I am home.   It allowed my daughter and I time to talk and laugh and reconnect which seemed very appropriate considering I had just lost my mother and needed to reaffirm my other relationships in life.   Realizing that one relationship was over but I was still very much needed as that person in my daughter's life, has helped me transition from daughter to mother.    The trip also allowed me to remember so many things about my mother and really made me happy to  see the trip through her eyes at many points.    The trees changing colours were her favorite time so it just felt like she was with me the whole trip.  

The death of my mother offered an opportunity for old friendships too.   It is often the case that where one door closes in our lives, a window opens.   That happened with an old friend.    Although we have always stayed in touch, we will now be more present to each other having been brought together over this shared loss.   I am grateful for this re-newed friendship and will work to keep it very much alive and well!   Again, no event is completely negative....there is always a silver lining.  And finally, the trip by car allowed me to visit an old high school friend, and to share our stories of survival and triumph and to give each other strength to continue on our similar yet different courses with our cancer.   That was a blessing that also will be with me because of my mother's death and my trip by car to the East never knows where the road will lead....(notice the curve in the picture - we are never totally sure what lies around the corner)

So as I sit and think about all that has happened the past couple of months, I realize that life is how you choose to see the events that really decides whether it was worth it.   I am sorry my mother is no longer with us, I am not sorry she has died.   She had come to point in her life when it was time to say goodbye....I am a firm believer that there are some things worse than death and she had arrived there.....she is happy, she is healed and she is back with the love of her life my father.   I am sad, and I will miss her terribly.    She was a force in my life and no one will be able to replace her.  But her death left me with many new blessings that I would never have even imagined and for that I am thankful to her.....and to life.

Life is an interesting combination of happiness and sadness but each has its place and neither stands totally alone without the C.S. Lewis says "the pain of today is because of the joy of yesterday"......