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Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wholeness......equals deep love!
Normally I offer my own thoughts and reflections but today I offer this amazing meditation as what I would truly like to achieve in my life. ......wholeness. For many years I worked at trying to let the inside and outside of myself be the same. I think in many ways I achieved that, and can honestly say that I do know how I feel and often am able to articulate it. I have also come to understand that life is to be lived to its fullest, as Christ says "abundantly"! I have come to a point in my life that I realize the importance of living the messiness and learning the lessons that life offers up....Richard Rohr (Franciscan Monk) offers this understanding of life in his meditation for New Years.. I feel that Richard's words are worth repeating here in order to take them to a deeper level in my being. I honestly do want to become whole.....not necessarily in a physical way.....and I want to begin the second half of life.....accepting this understanding of the purpose for life and living allows me to know that with or without my disease I can attain the fullness of life. .....it is not dependent on how long I live or how perfect my life....it is attitude I take to life and what I see as the meaning and purpose of it.....to love deeply and to see everything as whole!!!!.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Another death another lesson!
Seems that there is more time between postings as time goes on. I have been sleeping alot lately which in my mind is a good thing. I think I am catching up on 10 years of exhaustion and finally feeling o.k. about accepting the fact that I am truly 'sick and tired' of being 'sick and tired'.
Yesterday was a very difficult day on many levels though. I had to attend a funeral and it was one of mammoth proportions. A woman who was very active and well known died very suddenly. Again, a lesson in how precious this thing called life is. Each day is a gift and we, esp here in North American, rarely realize that until something like this happens. I know in some ways I have been blessed with the knowledge of this fact, but even so I often live like tomorrow is a guarantee and don't say the things that should be said or do the things that should be done. Anyways, her funeral was absolutely a tribute to her and to her works. It was a real reminder of what is important in life, love and good deeds...that is all that we are asked of....nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.
It was also very hard because her beautiful daughter was so close to her mother. It reminded me very much of the relationship that I have been very blessed to have with my own. They talked every day and were very much a part of each others lives. Meaning, that this is going to be very difficult for her daughter....but in the long term it is this closeness that will give her the most comfort. What made it so hard for me is to see how upset and sad she was.....knowing that too would be mine. As she walked up the aisle in the church she and her Dad just held onto each other, holding each other up. My heart broke but then all I could think of was 'who will hold my daughter up'. It hit me like a brick and I just started to sob. Not something that I am accustomed to doing even at a funeral. I mean it is what I do for a living.....hatch, match and dispatch!....but it was good for me. I cried,held a friend's hand and after answered my own question....all those who I know love her.
Life can throw many punches at you, but each one is an opportunity to deal with and learn something new. Today I know that even though it will be difficult when my time comes that she will survive if a little more sad and lonely. Those around will gather and love her....just as we all did yesterday for this young woman and her Dad. Love is an amazing thing, it doesn't cost us anything, it is so simple to give, and in most cases it is accepted without any argument......so live each day and love and all will be well in our world........
P.S. Off to the Toronto International Film Festival today.....maybe I will see Brad Pitt:} even people with cancer still get excited about the silly things in life....YEA
Yesterday was a very difficult day on many levels though. I had to attend a funeral and it was one of mammoth proportions. A woman who was very active and well known died very suddenly. Again, a lesson in how precious this thing called life is. Each day is a gift and we, esp here in North American, rarely realize that until something like this happens. I know in some ways I have been blessed with the knowledge of this fact, but even so I often live like tomorrow is a guarantee and don't say the things that should be said or do the things that should be done. Anyways, her funeral was absolutely a tribute to her and to her works. It was a real reminder of what is important in life, love and good deeds...that is all that we are asked of....nothing more, nothing less, nothing else.
It was also very hard because her beautiful daughter was so close to her mother. It reminded me very much of the relationship that I have been very blessed to have with my own. They talked every day and were very much a part of each others lives. Meaning, that this is going to be very difficult for her daughter....but in the long term it is this closeness that will give her the most comfort. What made it so hard for me is to see how upset and sad she was.....knowing that too would be mine. As she walked up the aisle in the church she and her Dad just held onto each other, holding each other up. My heart broke but then all I could think of was 'who will hold my daughter up'. It hit me like a brick and I just started to sob. Not something that I am accustomed to doing even at a funeral. I mean it is what I do for a living.....hatch, match and dispatch!....but it was good for me. I cried,held a friend's hand and after answered my own question....all those who I know love her.
Life can throw many punches at you, but each one is an opportunity to deal with and learn something new. Today I know that even though it will be difficult when my time comes that she will survive if a little more sad and lonely. Those around will gather and love her....just as we all did yesterday for this young woman and her Dad. Love is an amazing thing, it doesn't cost us anything, it is so simple to give, and in most cases it is accepted without any argument......so live each day and love and all will be well in our world........
P.S. Off to the Toronto International Film Festival today.....maybe I will see Brad Pitt:} even people with cancer still get excited about the silly things in life....YEA
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Stages of Grief.....or LIfe?
Stages of Grief...or life?
Interesting how the mind continues to work even when you are trying to take a break. I can't stop thinking about the 'stages of grief'. I have decided that perhaps to limit them simply to grief is to deny (1st stage) that they are actually the functions of life.
Denial - This stage which often begins the process is seen in almost every aspect of our lives. It is a period of time that seems to allow the brain to adjust to changes in our lives that perhaps we are not so happy about. It offers that, albeit incorrect, belief that somehow life is controllable. Hopefully, only for a period of time in order to come to terms with the changes. Scott Peck believes the state of denial when taken too far, the refusal to change ones map of life even when faced with the reality of the changes, is actually the road to insanity. So maybe it is a good thing that I have stopped driving the denial bus.....don't want to appear insane.
Depression - the second stage is often the attempt to return to the past. There are certain emotions that can actually tell you where you are living, future, present or past. Depression is the state where one is not willing to accept the changes, you are still in the past, and is a wishful thinking of better times. (I am not talking about clinical depression here ...purely situation!) So, the brain moves from the ability to totally deny what is happening to a place where it 'wishes' things where different. A normal human response given that it is our natural state of being to want to control our lives. So, I dont' feel so bad about having entered this stage as I do 'wish' things were different. How long I will wish this is to be seen.
Anger - is the 3rd stage (realizing of course that we don't go through these stages so succinctly and probably toggle back and forth between them) which is the movement from the state of depression, and wishing, to actually glimpsing the reality but still not liking what is being seen. A fighting mode that sees the reality, the change, as an enemy. This stage in our grieving is absolutely necessary in order to move the brain to a place that perhaps reality begins to sink in. I can see myself in many instances in life having been angry about situations before I ever came to a place of moving into those realities. In addition to cancer diagnosis, my divorce stands out very significantly at that point. Long before I ended my marriage I was angry both at my ex as well as myself for not being able to fix the problem. I am also beginning to realize that although it may not seem to be a grieving process as we understand grieving...almost all change is a loss of something or someone so no wonder the process fits all aspects of our life......hmmmmm
Bargaining - this is the stage were we still haven't accepted the fact that life is not necessarily in our control. We figure we can bargain our way out of the change by doing something different. If I just change the way I eat (this was me when first diagnosed with cancer), or change the way I deal with people, or change the job I have all will be well. I think maybe bargaining could be the road to insanity rather than denial. It is here that one risks staying too long because of the refusal to give up control of one's environment, life whatever. Many people have spent their whole lives bargaining with life in order to not have to face the changes that have taken place.....an example of this that seems to come to mind is the recent increase in plastic surgery, and all these things that promise 'eternal youth'. Boy if that ain't bargaining I don't what is. We are all going to grow old it is just how soon we accept that fact that will determine if we do so in a state of happiness or not.
Which of course brings us to the final stage ACCEPTANCE!!!!! This is the stage that we all hope to arrive at sooner or later no matter what occurs in our lives. The changes that we face are much better dealt with once we have arrived here. Not that they will be easier to deal with or that they will not seem so huge, it is just that we will adjust our behaviour to incorporate the changes into our lives, thus not giving change the power over us to make our lives unhappy. So no matter who we are, or what we are going through, we are all somewhere on the continuum of the stages of grief. At any point in our life we are dealing with some type of loss, be it our health, a loved one, our youth, our children leaving home, our inability to remember all that unimportant trivia, whatever. We are always somewhere on this journey called life dealing with the different things in our lives, each at a different stage depending on the loss and our willingness to accept that the only constant in life is 'change'.
For now, at this moment in my life, I am dealing with depression (the wish it was different stage)......what stage are you in??????? .....and what loss are you grieving???
Interesting how the mind continues to work even when you are trying to take a break. I can't stop thinking about the 'stages of grief'. I have decided that perhaps to limit them simply to grief is to deny (1st stage) that they are actually the functions of life.
Denial - This stage which often begins the process is seen in almost every aspect of our lives. It is a period of time that seems to allow the brain to adjust to changes in our lives that perhaps we are not so happy about. It offers that, albeit incorrect, belief that somehow life is controllable. Hopefully, only for a period of time in order to come to terms with the changes. Scott Peck believes the state of denial when taken too far, the refusal to change ones map of life even when faced with the reality of the changes, is actually the road to insanity. So maybe it is a good thing that I have stopped driving the denial bus.....don't want to appear insane.
Depression - the second stage is often the attempt to return to the past. There are certain emotions that can actually tell you where you are living, future, present or past. Depression is the state where one is not willing to accept the changes, you are still in the past, and is a wishful thinking of better times. (I am not talking about clinical depression here ...purely situation!) So, the brain moves from the ability to totally deny what is happening to a place where it 'wishes' things where different. A normal human response given that it is our natural state of being to want to control our lives. So, I dont' feel so bad about having entered this stage as I do 'wish' things were different. How long I will wish this is to be seen.
Anger - is the 3rd stage (realizing of course that we don't go through these stages so succinctly and probably toggle back and forth between them) which is the movement from the state of depression, and wishing, to actually glimpsing the reality but still not liking what is being seen. A fighting mode that sees the reality, the change, as an enemy. This stage in our grieving is absolutely necessary in order to move the brain to a place that perhaps reality begins to sink in. I can see myself in many instances in life having been angry about situations before I ever came to a place of moving into those realities. In addition to cancer diagnosis, my divorce stands out very significantly at that point. Long before I ended my marriage I was angry both at my ex as well as myself for not being able to fix the problem. I am also beginning to realize that although it may not seem to be a grieving process as we understand grieving...almost all change is a loss of something or someone so no wonder the process fits all aspects of our life......hmmmmm
Bargaining - this is the stage were we still haven't accepted the fact that life is not necessarily in our control. We figure we can bargain our way out of the change by doing something different. If I just change the way I eat (this was me when first diagnosed with cancer), or change the way I deal with people, or change the job I have all will be well. I think maybe bargaining could be the road to insanity rather than denial. It is here that one risks staying too long because of the refusal to give up control of one's environment, life whatever. Many people have spent their whole lives bargaining with life in order to not have to face the changes that have taken place.....an example of this that seems to come to mind is the recent increase in plastic surgery, and all these things that promise 'eternal youth'. Boy if that ain't bargaining I don't what is. We are all going to grow old it is just how soon we accept that fact that will determine if we do so in a state of happiness or not.
Which of course brings us to the final stage ACCEPTANCE!!!!! This is the stage that we all hope to arrive at sooner or later no matter what occurs in our lives. The changes that we face are much better dealt with once we have arrived here. Not that they will be easier to deal with or that they will not seem so huge, it is just that we will adjust our behaviour to incorporate the changes into our lives, thus not giving change the power over us to make our lives unhappy. So no matter who we are, or what we are going through, we are all somewhere on the continuum of the stages of grief. At any point in our life we are dealing with some type of loss, be it our health, a loved one, our youth, our children leaving home, our inability to remember all that unimportant trivia, whatever. We are always somewhere on this journey called life dealing with the different things in our lives, each at a different stage depending on the loss and our willingness to accept that the only constant in life is 'change'.
For now, at this moment in my life, I am dealing with depression (the wish it was different stage)......what stage are you in??????? .....and what loss are you grieving???
Monday, August 8, 2011
"Themes"
I am so confused...too much going on and not enough down time. I performed a wedding this week...well sort of. It was an emergency wedding b/c the bride's mother had just been diagnosed with cancer and was given only days. So, it was in the hospital chapel and it was just like a real wedding. She was dressed in white, there were bouquets, and family....it was all so strange. The reason is that it wasn't a legal wedding b/c there was no license, it being a weekend and all. The family was happy, the mothers seemed very pleased and so in the end 'who cares'? ... Life just seems so full of interesting turns. I was very pleased and even privileged to be a part of it. I received the call at 11:00 a.m. while shopping with my daughter. I arrived at the hospital at 3:30 for the 4:00 wedding. There was a time in my life that I couldn't imagine that I would have the temperament to pull that off, but it just seemed so doable and I didn't even stress. My daughter and I had planned to go to lunch, so we still did.
The confusion comes in when I try to make sense of what is going on in my life right now. I have always believed that we live our lives in 'themes'. I believe that God speaks to us through the events and people that are placed in our lives at any given time. Over the past few weeks, I have been involved in so many different things, with so many different people, I wonder what it is I am suppose to be coming to understand. In some ways I would say maybe I am just being given opportunities to see the important parts of life......but so far I am missing the 'hatch' part. I know that could be due to the age I am at, although there are a few babies looming on the horizon, but not directly related to me. I have done many matches and some dispatches but not too many hatches. Although I did do one baptism at the beginning of the year. So, I think I may just have figured out what the theme is ........life, living, important moments!!!!!! Hmmmmm....in addition I have reconnected with family and that is also an important part of the living.....I guess I am being given the blessings of seeing what really is important in life. Even still having lunch with my daughter was important and I had the grace to know that. I don't think I am so confused anymore.......at least not for the moment :)
The confusion comes in when I try to make sense of what is going on in my life right now. I have always believed that we live our lives in 'themes'. I believe that God speaks to us through the events and people that are placed in our lives at any given time. Over the past few weeks, I have been involved in so many different things, with so many different people, I wonder what it is I am suppose to be coming to understand. In some ways I would say maybe I am just being given opportunities to see the important parts of life......but so far I am missing the 'hatch' part. I know that could be due to the age I am at, although there are a few babies looming on the horizon, but not directly related to me. I have done many matches and some dispatches but not too many hatches. Although I did do one baptism at the beginning of the year. So, I think I may just have figured out what the theme is ........life, living, important moments!!!!!! Hmmmmm....in addition I have reconnected with family and that is also an important part of the living.....I guess I am being given the blessings of seeing what really is important in life. Even still having lunch with my daughter was important and I had the grace to know that. I don't think I am so confused anymore.......at least not for the moment :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
I HATE CANCER....
I grew up being told that it isn't nice to use the word hate. I passed this same lesson on to my daughter. So, it is a word that was rarely if ever heard in our house. Except of course the time she was really mad about something and said "I hate you" and my reply was "well I guess I must be doing my job".....I digress
Hate is not an emotion that I allow myself to explore, I don't like the feeling it has and I certainly don't like the energy it takes. BUT, I can honestly and with full emotion say I HATE this disease called cancer in all its forms. It seems to be taking over lives and families like the plague! It eats away at the body of the individual, but it destroys the souls too. Not only the soul of the person it has taken hold of, but the family and friends too. No one is safe once it enters a home. All though it may not contagious by medical terms, every member of the family suffers from this disease. Even when it doesn't succeed in destroying the body, it takes a part of the person and family that can never be replaced. Cancer kills, even when it doesn't kill.
It takes a sense of peace, security, freedom, hope, eternity!....all these suffer because of cancer. It is an insidious disease that attacks quietly, only affecting the individual, but then it lifts its ugly head with a roar and everyone within hearing is devastated and changed for ever. At this point in time nothing can stop it, and it seem that every time you turn around, someone is saying "so and so has cancer"...it has become a part of our daily conversation.....like the weather. No one is safe, no one can say they haven't been touched by its tentacles, it has become part of our daily lives....even though it is not able to enter our 'being' it has entered our lives.
We must always remember that it is not 'who' we are, it is not a part of our true 'person'. It is an uninvited stranger, and must be treated as such. We must not become the cancer, it must remain outside of our understanding of who we are. We may have the disease, but it does not have us!....this is so important. It cannot be allowed to define who we are.....we are so much more even when we are ill. We must always remember to think, talk, and act as if this invader is invisible. Do not give it power over our mind, our soul, and it will not have the same power over our body. I do not mean that we can be healed by ignoring it. No it may succeed and we may die, but if we have lived every day as if we are still in control of our lives then we have won . Cancer has the ability to take the body but it has no strength to invade the soul., we must allow it to happen and we can prevent that. Allow yourself the pleasures of the day, live each moment fully with your loved ones. Do not mourn for those who are still with you and can still be seen and touched....live that day to the fullest. Then cancer is still that stranger in the room that can be shunned....do not allow it to take over the room and bring a pall....life is still life until it is not.....people are not truly dying until a few hours b/f they are dead.....live life every moment of every day.....don't let cancer take one minute from it!!!! ...and then it will never really have invaded your being and the soul will still be free...whether you live or die!
I HATE THIS DISEASE WITH ALL MY ENERGY.
Hate is not an emotion that I allow myself to explore, I don't like the feeling it has and I certainly don't like the energy it takes. BUT, I can honestly and with full emotion say I HATE this disease called cancer in all its forms. It seems to be taking over lives and families like the plague! It eats away at the body of the individual, but it destroys the souls too. Not only the soul of the person it has taken hold of, but the family and friends too. No one is safe once it enters a home. All though it may not contagious by medical terms, every member of the family suffers from this disease. Even when it doesn't succeed in destroying the body, it takes a part of the person and family that can never be replaced. Cancer kills, even when it doesn't kill.
It takes a sense of peace, security, freedom, hope, eternity!....all these suffer because of cancer. It is an insidious disease that attacks quietly, only affecting the individual, but then it lifts its ugly head with a roar and everyone within hearing is devastated and changed for ever. At this point in time nothing can stop it, and it seem that every time you turn around, someone is saying "so and so has cancer"...it has become a part of our daily conversation.....like the weather. No one is safe, no one can say they haven't been touched by its tentacles, it has become part of our daily lives....even though it is not able to enter our 'being' it has entered our lives.
We must always remember that it is not 'who' we are, it is not a part of our true 'person'. It is an uninvited stranger, and must be treated as such. We must not become the cancer, it must remain outside of our understanding of who we are. We may have the disease, but it does not have us!....this is so important. It cannot be allowed to define who we are.....we are so much more even when we are ill. We must always remember to think, talk, and act as if this invader is invisible. Do not give it power over our mind, our soul, and it will not have the same power over our body. I do not mean that we can be healed by ignoring it. No it may succeed and we may die, but if we have lived every day as if we are still in control of our lives then we have won . Cancer has the ability to take the body but it has no strength to invade the soul., we must allow it to happen and we can prevent that. Allow yourself the pleasures of the day, live each moment fully with your loved ones. Do not mourn for those who are still with you and can still be seen and touched....live that day to the fullest. Then cancer is still that stranger in the room that can be shunned....do not allow it to take over the room and bring a pall....life is still life until it is not.....people are not truly dying until a few hours b/f they are dead.....live life every moment of every day.....don't let cancer take one minute from it!!!! ...and then it will never really have invaded your being and the soul will still be free...whether you live or die!
I HATE THIS DISEASE WITH ALL MY ENERGY.
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