Tuesday, September 3, 2013

New Adventures during traditional times!!!

Today is Back to School day which for me for a number of years was an exciting day.  I would be getting ready the week before and then the night before I would hardly be able to sleep so excited about seeing all the new students, and the especially the returning students with all their stories from the summer.    That ended 12 years ago!!!  

At the time I didn't realize how permanent that would be.  I was diagnosed on the very last day of the school year 2011, had two surgeries, started my chemo on July 20 and figured I would be back to school in September.  Of course, all those around me just smiled and nodded knowing well enough that I had to figure things out myself.   Well September came and I returned albeit for about 4 days and then decided perhaps I should wait till January.   Then January came and I thought perhaps it would be far better for everyone if I just started in the 2002/03 school year....I mean come on I would certainly be back to 'normal' by then.   As I write this today, I have the presence of mind to see the humour in all this, but I must admit no one said that I couldn't do it.   That should have clued me in immediately.  One thing I have figured out over the last few years is that the less dissent I receive about my plans the more out of reach they probably are !!!!!!

Well its 2013 and I am still not back.   The difference is that I don't feel sad, or unhappy.  I have come to accept my new life and have no desire to go back and try again and again.    Those were the days of major denial, longing for the return of what was.  Not accepting the changes that cancer can have on your life, and I mean life because I am still here.    Many new and wonderful things have happened over the years.  New experiences, lots of new people and especially a new acceptance to how my life has unfolded.

Now my last post I did say that some things were still difficult.  That is still so, but it is like that in life in general.   We can't always have want we want in life, but if we look really hard we most often get exactly what we need even if we don't think so till we look back.    I mentioned that a window had opened for me recently, as I watched a door slam.    Although I am going to need surgery eventually, I am not going to have it immediately.  Because it will be difficult and tricky, it has been decided that I should wait till it is absolutely necessary.  Until then I will continue along.....with one major difference.   I now will have a getaway right here in SW Ontario.   If I can't go East then I decided I would find water, wind and wonderful new people somewhere close by.   Well, I did!   I am now the proud owner of a stationary 5th wheel trailer in a wonderful campground only an hour away from my home....Yippee.   So I may not always get my way, but God has always seen fit to make sure that my life is full of good things, lots of blessings and surprises.   The God of Surprises has given me what I wanted and needed just not exactly the way I had envisioned.   I have often said that if you want God to give you something better send specs, otherwise you never know how God will interpret your needs.

Well, I think God knew what I needed, and I am happy with the result.   So although life doesn't always work out the way we think it should, it does work out pretty well in the I am off to the trailer for the 5 weeks I have left of the season....will send pics when I can :)

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Finding a window after the door closes!!!!

Well, if there is anyone still reading this, and I wouldn't be surprised if so because I have been very negligent in writing.   If truth be told, I have been avoiding writing because I don't like to write the negative things that happen with cancer.   I try really hard all the time to find the positive side to life despite a cancer diagnosis but lately that has been difficult.

I had the best summer ever and didn't really feel, think, or even at times admit that I had a serious disease.  It was good for the psyche and I would suggest that everyone should take a vacation from life in the real world and find a place to be.....just be....nothing else, no one else!    But, one must be ready to come back and those times can be hard.   Not impossible, but certainly energy reducing and smack between the eye difficult.  So, I am back and think I have found my equilibrium....sort of :)

After arriving home I had a doctor's appointment.  I was flying high and had all these neat ideas of how I was going to spend the remainder of my life......NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.   The shitty thing about cancer, or any serious disease, is that you end up being at the mercy of the medical system .   I fortunately have an amazing medical support team which is wonderful but also it connects me even more.    Meaning not everything is within my control in life....and anyone who knows me knows that I like to be in control.   Well, cancer has definitely taken that away.    When I expressed my thoughts to my doctor he dashed them to the ground with a stone......but nicely!!!!

I think in many ways I go to my denial place ( read first few blogs for the stages) when I want to do things like most "normal" people.    Then he tells me the ugly details of my situation and I hit the ground way to hard and feel like screaming.   So, my plans have been dashed.........

It looks like I will need to have surgery again, but it will be a very delicate one and a long and difficult one. Chances of complications etc.   So, I have to be close at hand to these places rather than running around the world escaping from reality.    That news knocked me off my feet for a number of days......and then I decided to rethink my situation and as the old sayings goes "when given lemons, make lemonade" so that is what I am in the process of doing.   I am figuring out how to deal with the fact that I must remain close at hand and still enjoy the things I like, like wind, and water, and really fun company.

I know that in life one doesn't always get to go through the door one wants....but no matter what, I don't have to stay stuck in any place for long.....there is always a window that is open from which I can fly........I found my window and am squeezing through (its a rather narrow one) and getting ready to fly off on a new adventure despite the fact that I am chained to my present circumstances......

Will keep you posted on how the flight is..........