Pages

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Finding a window after the door closes!!!!

Well, if there is anyone still reading this, and I wouldn't be surprised if so because I have been very negligent in writing.   If truth be told, I have been avoiding writing because I don't like to write the negative things that happen with cancer.   I try really hard all the time to find the positive side to life despite a cancer diagnosis but lately that has been difficult.

I had the best summer ever and didn't really feel, think, or even at times admit that I had a serious disease.  It was good for the psyche and I would suggest that everyone should take a vacation from life in the real world and find a place to be.....just be....nothing else, no one else!    But, one must be ready to come back and those times can be hard.   Not impossible, but certainly energy reducing and smack between the eye difficult.  So, I am back and think I have found my equilibrium....sort of :)

After arriving home I had a doctor's appointment.  I was flying high and had all these neat ideas of how I was going to spend the remainder of my life......NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.   The shitty thing about cancer, or any serious disease, is that you end up being at the mercy of the medical system .   I fortunately have an amazing medical support team which is wonderful but also it connects me even more.    Meaning not everything is within my control in life....and anyone who knows me knows that I like to be in control.   Well, cancer has definitely taken that away.    When I expressed my thoughts to my doctor he dashed them to the ground with a stone......but nicely!!!!

I think in many ways I go to my denial place ( read first few blogs for the stages) when I want to do things like most "normal" people.    Then he tells me the ugly details of my situation and I hit the ground way to hard and feel like screaming.   So, my plans have been dashed.........

It looks like I will need to have surgery again, but it will be a very delicate one and a long and difficult one. Chances of complications etc.   So, I have to be close at hand to these places rather than running around the world escaping from reality.    That news knocked me off my feet for a number of days......and then I decided to rethink my situation and as the old sayings goes "when given lemons, make lemonade" so that is what I am in the process of doing.   I am figuring out how to deal with the fact that I must remain close at hand and still enjoy the things I like, like wind, and water, and really fun company.

I know that in life one doesn't always get to go through the door one wants....but no matter what, I don't have to stay stuck in any place for long.....there is always a window that is open from which I can fly........I found my window and am squeezing through (its a rather narrow one) and getting ready to fly off on a new adventure despite the fact that I am chained to my present circumstances......

Will keep you posted on how the flight is..........

2 comments:

Teamnanny Kath said...

God Bless Liz.... you know you are always in my prayers, and of course we read your blog! You are way too important to me for me not to keep posted on what is up! Not pleased with this news, but I kinda saw it coming with what you 'didn't' say. Hang in there..... Know that you are loved by me....xoxoxoxoxo Kath

Birdie said...

I am still here, reading.

Crappy news...Cancer has a way of deciding things for us. And I hate it for that. But I am sending you love and good energy. Please keep us posted. xo