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Saturday, February 5, 2011

Revelations....in the midst of Cancer

I could barely contain myself and get to the computer this morning.  I have had a revelation!   I had it while making my bed, which is not something that usually happens with such a mundane task.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling depressed.  It took a lot of courage on my part to admit that as I am not usually so public about how I am immediately feeling.   The result of that admission though has been astounding.   After I wrote that I literally wallowed in my depression.   I stayed home, putts around the house doing minor things, but things that need doing and that I hadn't had the energy for.   The other thing that I did was slept.   I would do a little, lay down for a  nap and then wake up hours later, thinking this is not good.  But again I would putts and then lie down.   Yesterday I slept for hours and woke up into the evening.   Watched mindless t.v. and then went to bed thinking 'I am never going to be able to sleep".   I began to read and then turned off my light and slept some more.   Waking very early this morning, No Kidding, I thought I don't want to get out of bed, but I will never be able to sleep, and then slept for a couple more hours.   Rising from my bed, I putts around some more.    Then, while making my bed, I realized that I felt more rested and more up beat than I had for weeks.   So, the revelation, maybe sometimes depression is a way for the body to force you to get what you need.   I obviously needed down time, but am not the sort of person who would do that voluntarily because I would feel uncomfortable doing nothing.    Depression gave me the permission and it feels good.  

Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away.   For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body.   Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer  years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating.   This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it.   Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.

So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities.   I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....

2 comments:

Pat said...

I have a friend who is wax-and-wane depressive. Her body's Rx is sleep, and plenty of it. The body knows and sometimes I think it is the brain of your being rather than the mind. Enjoy your walks and your sleeps.

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