Feeling really good.....and interestingly I realize that my desire to blog is often directly proportional to how good or bad I am feeling. It is easier to do other things and avoid the need to journal when I am feeling up, but I think it is just as necessary for me to write about the good stuff as well as my not so good. At least then I have a record of what I feel in reality and not just on the bad days.
Had my appt the other day, and was so surprised at how anxious I was. I have had the same physician for over 9 years and to have to meet a new one, and then go through the entire 'story' was a little unsettling. It seems to make everything all the more real. Reciting everything that I have dealt with over 9 years can be emotional. I have learnt to live more in the moment, so when I put it all out there at once I too become a little overwhelmed. One thing that I did do was make sure someone else was there and it was so good. By the end of the appt I had no memory of anything. I was so exhausted both physically and emotionally. I had a pounding headache and just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere. And that was with good news, imagine how I would have felt had the news been bad!!!!!! This disease on all levels really tests your endurance and stamina. My friend didn't just drop me off at home either, she invited me to go and watch her boys play high school basketball. I wasn't too keen about it but I went. It was exactly what I needed, a complete and total distraction from the realities that I had been dealing with. Had I gone home directly, I probably would have sat and tried to remember everything that was said and just further exhausted myself. By the time I got home I was too tired to think so I just went to bed. The next morning brought a much better perspective and I remembered most of what had taken place without even trying. I change really is as good as a rest!
The news is very hopeful. There are a number of options that I can choose from when I decide to do treatment. (I will outline those specifically in a future blog). That alone makes me feel like I am really driving the bus, and no need to give the wheel over for quite some time. There are new drugs available that weren't when I was diagnosed even just the last time which was only 5 years ago or so. Also, the doctor mentioned that even trials will be available to me should I need to go that route, which was surprising because the more treatments you have the less likely you can be in a trial. One funny aside, he told me there are also treatment trials going on that I am 'too' healthy for....who would have thought!
My memory has returned over the last couple of days. I am assimilating all the information that I rec'd, with the help of my support person who helps me remember things. It is absolutely necessary at times like this that we have other ears....you think that you will remember everything but you don't. Your mind becomes overwhelmed with all the information and it is like a computer that just shuts down. Having that second set of ears allows you to relax a little afterwards knowing that you have someone to discuss the appt with later.
As I said, I have been mulling things over in my mind and I am feeling much better. I don't think I realized how scared I really was. I mean, I have already outlived the statistics, so there is the thought that maybe my luck is running out. Not according to this physician....lots of options and no need to rush things. YEA!!!!!
So I will continue with my 'normal' (always relevant) life for the time being and when the time comes to make decisions (based on how I am feeling) I know that there will be something that can be done.....so I am off the bus for awhile enjoying the almost springlike weather....although it is cold again today....and loving my life.....