Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A different anxiety.......and Cancer

OK, so now we wait.   As I mentioned in another blog, there is the 'Day Before Syndrome" as you anticipate the appointment to come.   Then, and what I am going through now, is the 'After the Tests Anxiety".   The tests were done, CT Scan and blood tests.   Of course, no one can say anything except "you doctor will have the results in a few days".   So now I wait.

I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises.  I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head.   It is just the whole idea  of having to wait and talk to someone about it.   Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that.  I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago.    I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible.  But, oh the wait.   A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'.   If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years.   I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.

I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking.   As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted.  I have since changed that  behaviour, probably for the good.   I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself.   Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check.   So many people there, and most of them not young.   That too was a real revelation.   When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease.   He said how young I was (42) to have cancer.   Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young.  When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair.   Even in this day of dyes!!!!!   There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life.  When you have cancer getting old is a bonus!  I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain.   It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.

Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours.   This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety.    So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!

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