One of the things that I have learnt over the past ten years is how little the medical community really does know. I don't mean that in a bad way, or to be judgemental. I mean, in the sense, as lay people we often think that when we go to the doctor we will come away so much more informed. As usual, this is not the case. It is a scary thing to learn, because it again tests your idea that there is actually a 'certainty' in life, that life can be controlled and manipulated somehow. I have know this fact for some time now but it always surprises me how I forget it when I need answers to questions that I don't even know how to ask.
I first have to qualify this by saying that I love my doctor and we have a great relationship, a real partnership. Not in the romantic sense of course, although he is very nice, good looking and very intelligent, (all the things I like in a man), a little too serious for my liking (he doesn't always get my jokes). Mind you, considering the situation I see him in maybe that is an attribute not a limitation!!!!!! I digress.....so I trust him and know that he has my best interest at heart....always.
I have not been feeling well and so off I go to the doctor, my oncologist. As I said in another blog, it is often hard to determine what is seriously wrong and what is just normal day to day illness. One way I have found to try and figure it out is through time. I don't jump too quickly to the cancer side, I let things play out a bit, and most times I just get better. My rule is that if two weeks or more go by without feeling well...then I consider going to my gyn/oncol (even getting the jargon down now). So off I went. Well he doesn't think it is anything that needs to worry us at the moment, BUT figures it might be a good idea to do some tests. Well, that covers all the bases! Then says that he is going to let me decide when I want something done, within reason of course, and so the ball is in my court. That may sound like a good thing, but I sometimes take that to mean that I can just brush everything under the rug and pretend that I am fine. I am really good at doing that. Also, then I have to actually look at what I am feeling. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Am I afraid? How afraid am I? What am I afraid of? Can I put the fear aside long enough to make a rational decision and not one based on fear? Am I going to decide to do something just in case? So many questions, so little certainty. So that is where I sit now. Waiting for tests, measuring my fear factor (that was a TV show wasn't it), and deciding what to do. Oh I hate these situations. As much as I like to be in control, there are times when I wish that someone else would just make all the decisions and I could just blindly follow their lead. Mind you, I can see myself following behind saying "are you sure?, maybe we should talk about this, I think I have a better idea," oh I am so confused.
For the time being, I will wait to have the tests and then move to the next step. It's that dreaded 'living in the moment' thing again. I have parked the bus in case anyone is wondering....I am sitting in my big comfy chair knitting and feeling very sorry for myself these days......but it won't last! For the time being though I am relishing the DENIAL!!!!....and busy knitting my daughter her birthday gift. 22 years.....and they said I wouldn't make it to her 17th!!!!!....see I told you WHAT DO 'THEY' KNOW!!!!!!!!!!