Monday, January 17, 2011

Simple complicated!

It has been awhile since I posted.  I haven't been feeling great the past few days and so I haven't really been doing my normal daily of those being blogging.   I am still feeling lousy but decided maybe this is a topic that I should reflect on.

Feeling unwell when one is healthy (a bit of an oxymoron) is often just considered part of normal life.  Feeling unwell when you have another illness such as cancer can be a real dilemma.   Am I just not well b/c I have a bug, maybe I ate something that didn't agree with me, or is there something percolating that I should be more concerned about?  The more complicated situation is the one where there is actually no real pain, just a vague undertone of not exactly feeling normal.  This tends to be a sign that sends the mind into a bit of a tailspin.   As I have come to understand, cancer really doesn't cause pain or real illness until you have had it for awhile.   The vague feelings of tiredness, nausea, lack of appetite are common in most illnesses but also the beginnings of the rumblings of a cancer that is growing.   So, I begin the mind games.   Well, I will see how long this lasts.  If it is gone in a week, I won't worry but if it goes on longer, then maybe I should see the doctor. It has been a week tomorrow!  Then I have to decide whether I call my GP and make an appointment to let her decide if it is just a bug or if it might be something worse.  That means tests etc before she decides.  OR ,do I take the initiative and call my primary nurse and see what she thinks over the phone?  Then hopefully get an appointment in a timely manner with my oncologist who will give me a physical  and then decide whether tests are necessary.  My preference is the second, because then I can either just go home feeling better or deal with whatever I have to deal with.  The first, although I trust my GP, always leaves the opening for making a mistake and not picking something up quickly.  Not that I am that worried at this point b/c it is relatively soon since the last time I saw him but he didn't really do anything we just chatted. That last statement is so not true b/c if I really wasn't worried I wouldn't have to talk about it.  As you can see, getting sick isn't quite as cut and dry as when you are not dealing with a serious illness.   So many possibilities, so little real knowledge, so confused still after all these years.  

Well, I will make up my mind in the next day or two, if I still don't feel well.   Having made this decision usually means that by tomorrow I will feel 100% and again have worried needlessly, and lost sleep because of it.   So. lets all take a minute and think positive thoughts that I will all of a sudden wake up feeling great and can just get on with life.    I feel like this blog was a bit of a ramble but it feels good to put down in words the crazy thoughts that spin around in my brain periodically.  Oh to live my life without cancer....can barely remember what that would be like....I hate this disease especially when it means that feeling a little under the weather can cause so much stress......probably shouldn't be driving when I am so stressed, and think I might take a few drugs tonight to get a good nights sleep, so anyone want to take the wheel?.....just don't drive too fast or over bumps b/c my tummy isn't doing too well...

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