Well, still feeling punky but made a compromise with myself. I made an appointment with my oncologist for a weeks time. That way if it is nothing it will be gone and I can cancel. If it isn't, I am comfortable waiting a week to find out. So as they say, life is full of compromises especially with cancer!
While I have been feeling under the weather, I have had a lot of time to think of past experiences. Some have been not so good but others have reminded me of the funny things that happened. You see, when you are diagnosed with a serious illness you think you are dealing very well, but the reality is, it is in the looking back that you see that you were actually probably have a nervous breakdown. As time went on after my first round with this disease, I started to think about how things would be if I wasn't to make it. I was being very rational and decided that I must leave this world at least in an organized fashion. Anyone who actually knows me would say that this isn't necessarily an oddity for me. So, I started to plan how I would do that. The initial solutions were certainly harmless. One thing I did was after Christmas as I repacked all the decorations I made little notes with each so that my daughter would know the history of them. A little morbid I know, but I didn't want the stories lost because I wasn't here. It took much longer to put away things, but I felt really stress free for awhile afterwards. Most of the notes in the past nine years have disappeared, and I felt no need this year to do it again!!!! Instead, I have ingrained each year the stories into my daughters brain such that as soon as she sees the tree come out she runs to a friends till its decorated!
That worked to relief my uneasiness for awhile. Then about 10 months after I had been initially diagnosed, I had another brainstorm. I should go through everything I have and get rid of things so my poor sad daughter won't have to do it after my death. OK. OK. I know it sounds awful but at the time it seemed completely reasonable and I did it slowly....I thought. The first to go unfortunately was my daughters bunk beds...figured she would want to keep my bed and use it. So, now she must sleep on the pull out couch but she had been sort of doing that since the beginning as she liked to be closer to me and I was downstairs and she was upstairs. Very reasonable decision on my part! Next, I got rid of the six piece dining set and cabinet. She wouldn't want it anyways it was too old school. And this continued for quite some time. As my daughter remembers, every time she came home from school something else was gone. The only time she balked at this lunacy was when she came home to find the pull out couch was gone. "Where am I suppose to sleep now" she screamed...."with me" I said! It was finally obvious to others that something had to be said when I was using the lawn furniture in the living room as I had sold everything else. So, if anyone out there is thinking like this just know that you aren't crazy, but perhaps there is another solution to your problem.....
The upside to this story is that shortly thereafter we had to move and it was really easy. The downside is, I didn't die, and it was really expensive to replace everything. So, you see although you may appear to be rational and dealing with things it is often better to look at what you are doing instead of what you are saying...Don't worry I haven't sold anything yet....although I was considering moving to PEI!!!!!!!