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Saturday, January 1, 2011

2011 - Ten Years...almost

I never would have imagined  ten years ago that I would be celebrating 2011.  It seemed unattainable for me and the idea of seeing my daughter enter her 22nd year of life was unthinkable....modern science and medicine is certainly if nothing else a reaffirmation that miracles do and can happen.

Ten years ago this month I felt the beginnings of what would turn out to be Stage IIIc, Grade 3, Clear Cell, Ovarian Cancer.   At this point I only knew that I wasn't feeling well and that no matter what I ate I felt worse.   The next few months would see test after test, including a pelvic ultrasound that would show absolutely nothing.   It is this reality that allows me today to understand that there is certainly time when one is diagnosed early.   It wouldn't be until May and June that I would feel absolutely horrible day in and day out and have huge panic attacks, days without being able to eat, and finally pain throughout my abdominal cavity.  Never once, not even in an unconscious moment, did it enter my mind that it might be something really terrible and life threatening.  I say this so that all of those out there that say  "how could  you not know"....you definitely can 'not know'!  Cancer does not make you sick until the 11th hour.  The day I finally went to the hospital because I felt so miserable, I went there from my place of employment thinking it would be a quick fix and I would be back at work within hours.   Well, ten years later I can tell you it is still as surprising to me today as it was that day.....to hear the doctor tell me "you have tumors on your ovary (I only had one) and throughout your abdominal cavity' .   My first thought was 'oh no how will I ever tell my daughter' and then I remember hugging a friend shortly thereafter and crying "I don't want to die"......

Well, I have lived for another ten years (less six months) so, if nothing else I do know what it means to never think you know how the future will unfold.  Today, I have a life I never imagined, I have friends I didn't know at the time, I have a job I never would have thought I would have, and I am content in a way that I didn't know existed.  I still refuse to say that my diagnosis was a 'blessing' because I don't believe blessings come wrapped in such negative forms....but I recognize the many blessings that I have received over the past ten years...and I am eternally thankful for them.  I look forward to whatever the New Year may bring...the blessings anyways...and know that every day that I wake up breathing is going to be a GOOD day.

Happy New Year and may you all be as blessed!!!!!.....

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