Well Christmas is over. It was a very good Christmas and I am sad to see it end for a number of reasons. Not the least of that it has been my excuse for putting off the realities of my life. My mantra has been "we will get past Christmas and then deal with it", and I haven't meant just the cancer. As most times in life, life doesn't stop just b/c you are dealing with a crisis or a some other difficult time....life marches on despite your current situation. So, now I have to put things into perspective and deal with things. I am overwhelmed by it all. I would just like to crawl into a hole and sleep away all my problems. I can't even get my brain to function for the simple things right now,,,,and sleep forget it.
Sleep used to be my escape. At least that is often how I dealt with difficult things...or what I considered to be difficult at the time. It is interesting how relevant things become over your life time. What you thought was such a crisis seems to be just a 'blip' in the day compared to newer or more serious problems. Now sleep seems to elude me. I read late, wake up during the night, and then finally wake up early just to lie there and think. I hate these times. I remember them so clearly from the past and they will only get worse. I remember the feelings of sickness from the treatments, the restlessness from the drugs, the PAIN from the surgeries.....it is actually worse each time b/c you really do know what is in store. I know I was afraid the first time, I remember that very clearly. I was afraid that each time I threw up or felt weird I was dying. Now I know those feelings will pass but I know too that they will come....I haven't decided which is worse. At least thinking that you are dying is in some way an escape.....that is a bit dark.
I think I will stop for a time....I am feeling very very lethargic and negative. I dont' want to go through this and I know I have no choice.....I am no longer in denial but am moving quickly in to ANGER> I am really pissed that this is happening and I feel that it is not fair. To anyone travelling with me at this point I will apologize now for any speeding, swerving, uncontrollable bumps that may occur in the road ahead. Bear with me, love me, but please don't ask me to slow down.....I really don't feel like it right now!!!!! And that's not just because of the cancer......all the other things going on in my life I will just have to live with.....mostly b/c they are actually out of my control.....heading for a really deep valley.....hold on!!