Cold outside too! Snow is on the ground so we have officially moved into another season, whether or not the calander agrees. Still I think Europe has taken over from Canada as the Great White North these days.
I have been pleasantly sitting on my mountain the past few days, knitting up a storm. Knitting is my addiction and it helps to keep me totally oblivious to the realities of my life. I can sit and knit, in total silence, for hours on end and not think about anything else but whether to knit a stitch or purl a stitch. Sometimes, you make a YO and sometimes you SSK...but no matter what, my world only exists for that time in my hands and what it is I am creating. I love that feeling of watching something grow out of just a combination of knots into something beautiful.
That is until today! I got up and made coffee and then did something I haven't done for a number of years. Actually, something I haven't done since I had my last round of treatment. I took my coffee and turned on the television...at 8:00 a.m. I never watch t.v. during the day....except those two times before when I was going through the cancer. I sat there and mindlessly watched morning news programmes (note the correct spelling). That simple action scared the HELL out of me. That is what I do when I get depressed. I close the curtains, turn the t.v. on and just sit there for hours mindlessly watching whatever happens to come on...I don't even bother to change the channel. So, what does that mean? Am I depressed? I know I had a really bad night last night... Probably absolutely nothing (ate too much fat or something) but nothing is absolutely nothing anymore. Everything is something, something terrible, something growing in me that I need to be aware of. I hate this! I want to go back to just being mildly neurotic about pains like everyone else....no wait, that isn't really true is it...most people go to place where they have a pain and think brain tumor, cancer, or some other life threatening disease. Don't they?
As you can see, it is not a good day. That's o.k. because now that I have expressed my feelings, and realize that I really don't want to watch daytime t.v. for the next year or so I will be o.k. I am off to finish my lastest knitting project, while driving the bus down the mountain......look out people it could be a rough ride, but hey a little rollercoaster in a person's life makes you remember that you are still alive......off we go.......fasten your seatbelts.........