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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Life Sucks....and then it doesn't!

No matter how hard you try, sometimes life just smacks you in the head.  I have been trying really hard to focus on the good stuff and keep a positive attitude and outlook at least until after Christmas.   It seems that I am surrounded by sorrow though.   Maybe it is the universes way of keeping me humble, but for right now it is just making it that much harder to keep myself focused on the good stuff.   I went to a visitation last night and the sadness in the room and on the faces of the children he left behind was just too much for me.   It was a foreshadowing of what it will be like for my child and family if this time things don't go well.  It was so difficult, that today although I had planned on going to the funeral, I just couldn't get myself out of bed in order to do so.  It was like every muscle in my body was rebelling against the idea.   I finally, decided that maybe I didn't need to go and instead stayed home and baked and cooked all day.  That did seem to help with at least my ability not to think about things.

I just felt like I was watching my own life pass before me.   It made me think of how hard it is for everyone when someone dies, but the other thought that kept entering my mind was - I would rather be the one left behind!!!!!   I kept thinking about how upset everyone was, but at least they were still alive.  I am sure the one in the box would have loved to be the one in the receiving line.....it isn't a nice thing to say but that is all I could think of.   I really don't want to die......and I really don't want to leave those behind sad if I do......life sucks sometimes and there just isn't any other way to see it.   So today, I just went with the mood and thought terrible things, envisioned horrible outcomes and finally moved on.

Friends do happen to enter at the most fortuitous times....I had been invited to a friends for supper tonight some time ago.....obviously the universe had prepared the way for this day in that it ended on the best note.  Supper with good friends, little people and great food.....life is good even when it seems like it isn't......

1 comment:

halpinmac said...

We all know that life is a journey but we don't know how long that journey will last or where it will take us. It will have joys and burdens and for some reason the burdens seem to weigh heavier than the uplifting joys. I think the bus has lost its power steering right now and the manoeuverability of it is a difficult chore. Put it on auto pilot until you feel able to take the wheel again. Godspeed.....