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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Reality from the Inside...literally

Thinking the denial bus may be starting to drive itself.   I am realling trying to steer it along denial alley but for some reason I feel like something is trying to grab the steering wheel.  So far, its only been successfull at the more sub-conscious level.  I have had a really hard time sleeping the last couple of nights.   Very reminiscent of the very early days of my cancer.   Waking up numerous times in the night and lying there saying out loud, "I have cancer" as if hearing  my voice would make the reality of it move deeper into my being.  I am not doing this so much as waking and thinking 'oh no, I hate this part".  Its knowing that this is where I start really understanding what is going on.  I don't think I am ready for that!

If you have ever really had a trauma or shock you will understand the feeling of waking up and your whole body feels like it has been smashed into a brick wall.  The muscles and bones just feel like they have been damanged but from the inside out rather than the reverse.  That is the feeling that I have been getting lately when I wake up.   The grief stage is moving to the point where my body is tensing up at night because I am not allowing it to enter my waking life.   I know that but really don't want to go there yet. 

One of the things that happened when I was diagnosed with cancer is I came to know ever nuance of my body.  In the beginning it is because I was absolutely terrified of any pain or new feeling thinking it is the cancer growing or returning.   As time goes by though it became a familiarity with my body that I actually came to enjoy...it was a coming to of knowing.  A more intense understanding that I am a moving, constantly changing being which most of us never ever realize.  We think that we move when we want to move or make ourselves move but in reality we are constantly moving inside and out.   I sound like I am rambling but these last few mornings have been bringing back a very vivid memory of my first chemo treatment.   Which I am sure is etched into every fibre of my body not just my mind.  I was given the drug Taxol (a very small amount thank goodness) and I went into anaphlatic shock.   I remember that moment intensly!!!!   It was as if every fibre,nerve, muscle, cell became alive and started to move erratically and without any control from my brain.   I remember that I could hear voices, I was not able to see outside of my body but I had a very good view of the inside.  I was rushing, eyes open, through my entire body at the speed of light and watching my body attack this drug and try to push it down to my feet and out of my body.  Then all of a sudden I was back....looking at those around me and it was over.  Since that moment, I think my body is more alive to what is happening to me than it ever was before, or maybe I am the one who is more alive and aware!

I am really trying to stay in denial for awhile longer because when I have these thoughts and clear feelings I really remember how much I hated having cancer.   So, I am not only driving, but the shades have been pulled and I am only looking into the world today with blinders.....might be a rocky ride for the next while.

2 comments:

AMB said...

Loving your creative and descriptive words about your experiences. Certainly draws me into the picture you are painting. The reality of knowing your body from the inside is pure gift! I wonder if that is what we are called to experience from and with our Creator? Is what you describe being tuned in to the movement of the "Spirit that dwells within"? I believe you nailed it when you say "maybe I am the one who is more alive and aware!". Hope your shades aren't pulled for too long. What do we do when the bus isn't moving?

Pat said...

Having had cancer come knocking at my door as well, I can understand the words you are saying but I also know that NO ONE can actually feel what you are feeling. I only had a little "c" whereas you are confronted by a big "C". My supportive statement to you would be to remember that you have a LARGE number of passengers on your bus with you who will behave when silence is warranted or scream like hell with you when needed. You will never be alone on that bus!
p.s. I love the wind too - it is God's breath....