Saturday, November 27, 2010

Who wants to drive???

I have to say, third diagnoses is not the same as the first, nor the second.   Unlike most things in life, when we experience them more than once we don't get too hyped the third time, I think this is different.  Weird thoughts running around in my brain.  I know I am suppose to be least that is what I think I am suppose to be.  For the most part I am, but then a thought randomly wanders through my brain that perhaps I have outlived my luck.  Third time might not be the charm ! (need a sarcastic font for these thoughts)

I think back to  when I heard the second time, and let me tell you that was much worse than the first.   It was like now I really am a member of the club.  First time you figure maybe you hit the jackpot and you never have to admit that you carry a card membership.  Second time round that thought goes out the window.   You are officially one of THEM, and will be forever.

This time is different again.  I seem more tired and I don't think it's totally a physical thing.  I feel like I don't want to go through this again.   Its not fair and I am really not looking forward to the future.  I know what is in store, which was part of the second diagnosis too.  You know how shitty things are really going to get.   Cancer doesn't do nearly as much damage to you as the treatments do!  But its different this time too,  I just want to pretend that it isn't happening at all.  I talk to people and I think "they seem so much more upset than me" but in reality I realize that it's because I just won't let my mind wrap itself around it.  

Have to quit now....way to tired to finish this...I think it is taking me too close to reality and the veil is slipping. I am actually sitting here with my eyes half closed.....night night!   All you passengers on the might consider another form of transportation for the time being....I think denial is turning into I don't know what but I don't feel like driving right now....anyone want to take the wheel??????


corinnemor said...

I'm feeling your scarryness. Makes my insides lurch just thinking about it. Get back on the denial bus, it's more relaxing there for you.

Pat said...

We are ALL taking the wheel for you when you don't feel like driving. We ALL are jockeying in denial and then faith. Hang in there with us as we are with you.