Feeling scared.......

Feeling scared......

Wow..this time it may be very different.  Not having a good day.   Feeling very much alone and I mean that in the literal sense not figuratively.  The last couple of days I seem to have spent an enourmous amount of time on my own.  I don't think that is unusual but I never really noticed it before.   All the other times I was a mom who had someone who needed me to get up and get things done for her.   That isn't the way now.  I am not so sure I am going to like this.   Way too much time to think and it seems that I am no longer an early riser.  Sleeping in till mid and late morning...think maybe it is a  way of making the day go by faster.   Today won't be too bad as I have to work for a few hours.  My part-time job may end up being my saviour. 

I wrote a piece in the very early days about lonesomeness and being alone, but I didn't mean it quite this way.  Rereading it, it has taken on a whole new meaning.   I shouldn't be surprised because I remember in the early days saying that as a single mother I didn't have the time to lay in bed and be sick.  I found having to get up and be responsible one of the reasons I beleived I did so well.  I had a purpose!   What will be my purpose this time.   I am feeling scared for the very first time...and I really don't like the feeling.  

I guess there will be days that the denial veil is stripped off and reality hits like a blast.   What is most interesting is that although I am terrified of being alone, being surrounded by people also scares me.   I like to be with people but on my terms, and somehow I don't know if that will be the case.  I have so many people in my life that I know care, but at times I want to be left alone.  I am such an enigma even to myself.   I guess maybe I will just pull the denial blanket a little closer today and park the bus.......