I have come to discover that without denial I wouldn't have the time to do everything everyone wants me to do. I have been so busy the last two days fulfilling the commitments I made bctt (read before cancer this time) I haven't even had time to think about myself. Not that I am complaining, but I think I may have figured out a really good reason to stay exactly where I am. If I moved to another emotion it might interfere with everyone else's life....not to mention my own!
In some ways I think I have started right back where I was the first time. Although I must admit there have been a few minutes where the 'annoying' feeling has edged its way into my thoughts. Sort of a 'oh crap, I don't have time for this". I know that I have to do something about it soon. I think people are worrying that I am not really dealing with it. Oh I am dealing with alright, just maybe not the way everyone else thinks I should. Very interesting how everyone knows exactly what I should do, and I know that it is because they care. But I will look after myself. One thing that I have figured out after all these years is that I probably won't die this week, unless of course I get hit by a bus. Wouldn't it suck if that's how I died, especially if it was the same one I'm driving!!!! Talk about bad luck. I remember one time shortly after the original diagnoses I was walking downtown at night in a not so nice area of town. I called a friend and we were chatting and she asked where I was. When I told her she said "are you crazy what if someone mugs you" and my retort was "God be with them...because right about now I could use a good excuse to punch someone". Just think, I have that anger to look forward to as soon as I have moved out of denial and into the other stages. So as we drive down denial alley, I have been picking up many people along the way...some have heeded my request to just sit quietly but there are a few who insist on whispering in my ear....don't you know that you aren't suppose to talk to the driver?????