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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

New year.......new struggles......

A new year......having worked in education my year always started in September.   I still have the 'new year' feeling every fall ....it is a blank slate.    To me it is much more meaningful than the calendar New Year.    This was the time when I actually did try new things and ways of being and could see the results in my day to day.

It has been a number of years since I worked but still I get that new year feeling every September.   Nostalgia comes with the falling of the leaves and the school buses going by.   It's a great feeling and I love it still.    This fall though I find myself a little off kilter.   I find out in two weeks what my next journey entails, and to be perfectly honest I am not all that interested.   I find myself waffling between not caring and being terrified.     I am so tired of this whole trip......I just want to get off the roller coaster and crawl into my cave (read trailer) and forget the whole world.   I have this desperate desire to start all over again somewhere else.    It is very difficult to put into words.

I imagine it is not unusual to feel this way.     I feel very alone this time.   In many ways it is of my own making because I haven't really wanted to talk about it and have kept many of my closest friends at arms length.    I feel that if I could just get away from all that I am familiar with it would go away.   I also feel like a 'broken record'.   Someone said that to me recently and it was very refreshing to know that she actually got it.    It's like 'here we go again" and I figure who wants to know.    

When this all began so many years ago I had the strangest feeling that I would get to this point. I even wrote a brief essay about cancer stealing your will and your soul.   It's like my soul is tired.    I just don't have the energy to go through this again.   I feel like I have done my job, my purpose is complete and maybe its just time to go.    When this all started I had things to do.  I had a daughter to raise and plans.   Now my daughter is a beautiful self sufficient woman with a family of her own and I don't have any real plans.     Not that I don't want to see my granddaughter grow ...it's just that it feels like my tasks have been completed and I can just fade away.

I am also terrified of not doing anything at the same time.    This feeling of giving up is scary.   I don't want to die....don't get me wrong.    But living seems to be such an up hill battle at the moment.   I know I am not literally dying at the moment......we are all dying from the minute of birth, but I feel like I have to work harder at the living part.   Feeling very sorry for myself obviously!!!!
That's ok I allow for pity parties every once in awhile !!!

So, September 17th the bus leaves the terminal.    I really don't feel like getting on it or driving it, but then we "can't always get what we want" (think that's a song lol) .    So, I will pick up the keys, wait for the 17th, do what I am expected do and keep going.     I just hope that people will put up with the 'new' journey woman....the one who this time is not too enthusiastic about the trip.....

1 comment:

ditchingthedog said...

Not for one moment do I think you are feeling sorry for yourself or having a pity party. Cancer rapes your spirit and your soul. Feeling sad and grieving is so totally normal. Don't beat yourself up over that. In fact, sit with your sadness.

Birdie