A new year......having worked in education my year always started in September. I still have the 'new year' feeling every fall ....it is a blank slate. To me it is much more meaningful than the calendar New Year. This was the time when I actually did try new things and ways of being and could see the results in my day to day.
It has been a number of years since I worked but still I get that new year feeling every September. Nostalgia comes with the falling of the leaves and the school buses going by. It's a great feeling and I love it still. This fall though I find myself a little off kilter. I find out in two weeks what my next journey entails, and to be perfectly honest I am not all that interested. I find myself waffling between not caring and being terrified. I am so tired of this whole trip......I just want to get off the roller coaster and crawl into my cave (read trailer) and forget the whole world. I have this desperate desire to start all over again somewhere else. It is very difficult to put into words.
I imagine it is not unusual to feel this way. I feel very alone this time. In many ways it is of my own making because I haven't really wanted to talk about it and have kept many of my closest friends at arms length. I feel that if I could just get away from all that I am familiar with it would go away. I also feel like a 'broken record'. Someone said that to me recently and it was very refreshing to know that she actually got it. It's like 'here we go again" and I figure who wants to know.
When this all began so many years ago I had the strangest feeling that I would get to this point. I even wrote a brief essay about cancer stealing your will and your soul. It's like my soul is tired. I just don't have the energy to go through this again. I feel like I have done my job, my purpose is complete and maybe its just time to go. When this all started I had things to do. I had a daughter to raise and plans. Now my daughter is a beautiful self sufficient woman with a family of her own and I don't have any real plans. Not that I don't want to see my granddaughter grow ...it's just that it feels like my tasks have been completed and I can just fade away.
I am also terrified of not doing anything at the same time. This feeling of giving up is scary. I don't want to die....don't get me wrong. But living seems to be such an up hill battle at the moment. I know I am not literally dying at the moment......we are all dying from the minute of birth, but I feel like I have to work harder at the living part. Feeling very sorry for myself obviously!!!!
That's ok I allow for pity parties every once in awhile !!!
So, September 17th the bus leaves the terminal. I really don't feel like getting on it or driving it, but then we "can't always get what we want" (think that's a song lol) . So, I will pick up the keys, wait for the 17th, do what I am expected do and keep going. I just hope that people will put up with the 'new' journey woman....the one who this time is not too enthusiastic about the trip.....