Well in many ways I have said there are good days and there are bad days....and that is life. Cancer patients (I hate the word survivor, it has too many violent connotations) know this fact very well. That is even so whether you are in the midst of treatments or you are finished and months away from them. The lingering, often permanent effects of putting toxins/poisons into your system, have a way of rebounding back at random times.
Well last night was one of those times. I had the worst sleep, awful pain, and terrible dreams. The three seem to go together on my bad nights. I am not sure whether the pain brings on the dreams or the dreams bring on the pain. The one thing I know is that the pain enters the dreams which makes it even worse.
So, today will be a rough day. I am tired, miserable and stiff...like I have been in a wrestling match all night and didn't win!!!!!! It becomes obvious on days like this that the forms of drugs etc that we use to treat cancer are hard on the body . I mean they effect your nervous system, your muscular system and even your skeletal system. The pain is constant, not throbbing, and it moves throughout the body not just focusing on one place. Its like having the flu but 10 times worse. Even trying to move in the night to reposition yourself can be painful.....you at times wonder if you really want to do it even though it might make you feel better. I don't usually complain like this but last night reminded me of the days of chemo. No one tells you at the time that these effects are not temporary and there will be moments when you will be completely reminded of those times when you lay in bed for days on end. I will tell you, the second time they wanted to do chemo I had a very hard time agreeing to it...knowing what it would entail was worse than the not knowing. Initially, I told the doctor that I wasn't going to do any chemo and he just nodded and said 'it's up to you'. Then he suggested we try one round and see.....which we did. He knows me well, my good and my bad, and he knows that ultimately I have to believe that whatever I do is my idea (a bit of a control freak) Then he suggested a second which I again protested....but in the end I did all six AGAIN because I decided to!!!!!.....and I am grateful don't get me wrong. I mean I am still here to complain and bitch about it. The thing is I remember thinking....Is it really worth it at the time. It is nights like last night that make me wonder if it really was.
Well, I have complained enough. That was my little pity party and for a change I invited anyone reading this to join me...not a usual affair so consider yourselves special :)
Another day and more life to live even if I would rather be sleeping today......