Monday, December 3, 2012

What day is it????

I realize it has almost been a month since I was last here.   It's not that I don't think of writing, it is just that the energy it takes seems to evade me.   I realize how difficult it must be if this was one's livelihood.....whether or not you feel like it you have to do it.

I seem to be moving out of the fog and my days are returning to some form of normalcy.   I must say, I have had a longer (read harder) recovery from my recent surgery but I am not sure why that is.  It could be age.....I am getting older so therefore my cells are moving a little slower to reproduce and make scar tissue.   It could be psychological because I haven't got the mental or emotional energy to deal with the limitations it has placed on me....or it could be that the cancer is slowing things down a little and making for a longer healing process.   Whatever the reason it doesn't really matter, the outcome is still the same....things are taking longer and my frustration levels are much shorter....proportionally one might say!!!!

I have to admit at this point I am not sure what I have written about and what I haven't.   My mind seems to move between complete inability to process what is presently going on and the place of memories and past experiences.   Every thing, place, event seems to spur a memory of one kind or another and so the present moments pass by unacknowledged.   After my Mother died, I spent a couple of weeks in NS mainly because my flight was two weeks away, and the cost of changing it was exorbitant.   It was basically a good time though because it gave me time  in my mother's home to browse around and grieve.   It also had a less desirable opportunity.   I got sick and ended up in the hospital.   So about ten days after my Mother died I ended up in the same hospital having emergency abdominal surgery.   Nothing cancer related per se, but related to the numerous surgeries in the past.....partial intestinal blockage due to adhesion's and a hernia.   So that set me back by another two weeks.   The surgery took place one day before I was to fly home and then I had to wait two weeks before I could fly again.  

As the story totally unfolds, one is able to realize that when I say I am just recovering physically, emotionally and mentally, I mean that in the literal sense.   It was a hell of a couple of months.   As I mentioned in a previous blog, my mother's funeral was delayed for a number of reasons, my illness NOT being one of them.   This necessitated a return trip to the East Coast about 10 days after my return home.   That part I have no regrets.  It was at this time that I realized that everything happens for a reason.....even if that reason seems strange at the time.

The trip back was made even more wonderful because of what had gone before it.   The death, the illness it all made the moments with my daughter even more poignant....we loved every mile of the drive and made new positive memories at a very difficult time in both our lives.

So, as I come to regain some of my own equilibrium I find the need to write return.   I began this blog because of my third diagnoses of cancer two years ago almost to the day.    It seems that I am still waiting to do something about that diagnosis but in the meantime I am living my life.    I guess in the end I am grateful that I am able to continue to live my life, the bad, the sad, the happy, the glad, even if at these times it seems like it will never really get better.   I am alive to feel the pain of grief and eleven years ago I would not have believed that I would be missing my parents so much.   Life never unfolds the way we expect but it does unfold and we need to grasp hold of it no matter what!!!!!

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