Descending Mountains!

As you may notice the background of my page tends to change.   Change is not something I don't like as long as it is within my control to change...I change my living space often to suit my mood...and I change the page to suit my mood too.  I am a very visual person and sights make the best template for me to know where I am sitting in my life.  

Today, it is high up on a mountain top.   I love mountain climbing although I do most of mine from my couch while reading the adventures of those who are skilled at such tasks.  I read anything I can get on mountain climbing and to the novice I might actually sound like I know what I am talking about.   Like all adventures and experiences there is a language that goes with that particular journey.  Cancer has its own language, one I am not yet ready to use.

I am sitting on my mountain, I think I may have brought the bus but I can't remembered where I parked.  So I am by myself.  I am surveying my world, and taking a brief reprieve of all things busy, important or relational.  I am enjoying my mountain top view and the peacefulness that it allows.   I have climbed this mountain a few times and know the best route. I have descended it just as many times.  Looking down, I realize the danger of descending to be much worse than the ascending, as most climbers would know.   We often talk of problems as mountains to be climbed but for the moment I see the summit as the place where I am starting.   At some point I will begin the treacherous descent but not right now!  One thing about ascending or descending mountains is that you must do them solo...you may  have many around you and at times you may even belay with each other, but virtually you tackle the mountain on your own...just expecting support if you really need it and then that isn't even always possible.   That is a really good analogy to the journey of cancer.   No one can make the trip for you, essentially you are on your own, but you can have lots of people around you and even those many feet below supporting you through just the sound of their voices.  I have all of those with me on this journey, but the descent will begin in my time to some degree and it will be on my own.  I will descent at my own rate, hopefully arriving at the various designated rest spots (read base camps) before the storms hit too hard.   Eventually, I will arrive at the main base camp after the final leg through the ice field and then come out the other side to celebrate another successful summit and return.    You guys might have difficulty following me, unless of course you leave the bus.  I will let you know when the descent begins so that you can don your climbing gear and follow me down....until then sit tight and stay warm, the descent can become very stormy.

Power of Prayer

So, I finally cried last night...maybe I have driven out of denial alley and moved into depression row.   Not clinical depression just that place that feels like 'oh no not again'.   Its o.k. though because I was feeling a little left out as everyone else seemed to be upset and I felt like I was behind a window watching.  Unfortunately, I am now in the room people so better watch out what you say....I will hear you!  Cancer sucks by the way!  Just in case I haven't made that clear yet.   I decided maybe I should call on a little faith to help me get through this and then decided maybe I should just let everyone else pray for me.   Found this prayer today when I was 'organizing' (read getting rid of) stuff.  I tend to do that when I am stressed.  The good thing is that I will be very well organized over the next while.....like it really matters.   Anyways, I was talking about prayer...so I will share it with you - its called the Power of Prayer

The day was long, the burden I had borne,
Seemed heavier than I could longer bear.
And then it lifted - but I did not know
Someone had knelt in prayer,
Had taken me to God that very hour,
And asked the easing of the load.
And God, the infinite compassion,
Had stooped down, and taken it from me.

We cannot tell how often as we pray,
For some bewildered one,
hurt and distressed, the answer comes.
But many times those hearts find sudden peace and rest.

Some one had prayed, and Faith,
a reaching hand,
Took hold of God and brought God down that day!
So many, many hearts have need of prayer,
O, let us pray.

So everyone on the bus....start praying and those of you who don't know how, positive thoughts will do!  O.K. now hold on we are starting to turn a corner......Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Who wants to drive???

I have to say, third diagnoses is not the same as the first, nor the second.   Unlike most things in life, when we experience them more than once we don't get too hyped the third time, I think this is different.  Weird thoughts running around in my brain.  I know I am suppose to be positive...at least that is what I think I am suppose to be.  For the most part I am, but then a thought randomly wanders through my brain that perhaps I have outlived my luck.  Third time might not be the charm ! (need a sarcastic font for these thoughts)

I think back to  when I heard the second time, and let me tell you that was much worse than the first.   It was like now I really am a member of the club.  First time you figure maybe you hit the jackpot and you never have to admit that you carry a card membership.  Second time round that thought goes out the window.   You are officially one of THEM, and will be forever.

This time is different again.  I seem more tired and I don't think it's totally a physical thing.  I feel like I don't want to go through this again.   Its not fair and I am really not looking forward to the future.  I know what is in store, which was part of the second diagnosis too.  You know how shitty things are really going to get.   Cancer doesn't do nearly as much damage to you as the treatments do!  But its different this time too,  I just want to pretend that it isn't happening at all.  I talk to people and I think "they seem so much more upset than me" but in reality I realize that it's because I just won't let my mind wrap itself around it.  

Have to quit now....way to tired to finish this...I think it is taking me too close to reality and the veil is slipping. I am actually sitting here with my eyes half closed.....night night!   All you passengers on the bus...you might consider another form of transportation for the time being....I think denial is turning into I don't know what but I don't feel like driving right now....anyone want to take the wheel??????

Wonderful Women......

Today is a dull, drizzly, cold day  outside, but inside both me and my house I feel warm, wonderful, and loved.   I still woke up this morning with aches and pains but thought maybe I am just getting old.  There are always two ways to look at everything right.   That thought then led me to my next one.   I am blessed with the most amazing group of women in my life.   I had a day yesterday that most people wouldn't have experienced in a month.   First, a friend drops by unexpectedly and we chat and have coffee...couldn't begin a day any better.  Then a nice walk in the sun and spent the afternoon relaxed and knitting with the best group of ladies on the earth.   OOOOH  I love my knitting group and I love the venue too....so warm and inviting!   Then to top it off, away I go to dinner with another group of ladies and we laugh, and chat and eat great food.  I am blessed beyond belief.....and all that estrogen can't hurt a soul.   So at least for the next 24 hours I am going to revel in my blessings ....and let all the other stuff go.

Just an aside.......Reading the most wonderful article on Emptiness and the Four Noble Truths.   Although life may be suffering when you really understand it there is a way to reach Nirvana...we just have to work at it...today I have totally detached and let go of my cancer.........off to have another wonderful day on this less than wonderful weather day!

Reality from the Inside...literally

Thinking the denial bus may be starting to drive itself.   I am reallying trying to steer it along denial alley but for some reason I feel like something is trying to grab the steering wheel.  So far, its only been successful at the more sub-conscious level.  I have had a really hard time sleeping the last couple of nights.   Very reminiscent of the very early days of my cancer.   Waking up numerous times in the night and lying there saying out loud, "I have cancer" as if hearing  my voice would make the reality of it move deeper into my being.  I am not doing this so much as waking and thinking 'oh no, I hate this part".  Its knowing that this is where I start really understanding what is going on.  I don't think I am ready for that!

If you have ever really had a trauma or shock you will understand the feeling of waking up and your whole body feels like it has been smashed into a brick wall.  The muscles and bones just feel like they have been damaged but from the inside out rather than the reverse.  That is the feeling that I have been getting lately when I wake up.   The grief stage is moving to the point where my body is tensing up at night because I am not allowing it to enter my waking life.   I know that but really don't want to go there yet. 

One of the things that happened when I was diagnosed with cancer is I came to know ever nuance of my body.  In the beginning it is because I was absolutely terrified of any pain or new feeling thinking it is the cancer growing or returning.   As time goes by though it became a familiarity with my body that I actually came to enjoy...it was a coming to of knowing.  A more intense understanding that I am a moving, constantly changing being which most of us never ever realize.  We think that we move when we want to move or make ourselves move but in reality we are constantly moving inside and out.   I sound like I am rambling but these last few mornings have been bringing back a very vivid memory of my first chemo treatment.   Which I am sure is etched into every fibre of my body not just my mind.  I was given the drug Taxol (a very small amount thank goodness) and I went into anaphylactic  shock.   I remember that moment intensely!!!!   It was as if every fibre, nerve, muscle, and cell became alive and started to move erratically and without any control from my brain.   I remember that I could hear voices, I was not able to see outside of my body but I had a very good view of the inside.  I was rushing, eyes open, through my entire body at the speed of light and watching my body attack this drug and try to push it down to my feet and out of my body.  Then all of a sudden I was back....looking at those around me and it was over.  Since that moment, I think my body is more alive to what is happening to me than it ever was before, or maybe I am the one who is more alive and aware!

I am really trying to stay in denial for awhile longer because when I have these thoughts and clear feelings I really remember how much I hated having cancer.   So, I am not only driving, but the shades have been pulled and I am only looking into the world today with blinders.....might be a rocky ride for the next while.

Blessings in the midst of chaos!

So begins the tests.  Up early and off to the lab.   Early of course being relevant to everyone else's early.  Most of the people who attend these places are elderly so 7:15 am is probably mid-day for them.  They are sitting there smiling as you come in and realize you are not only NOT early but there are no chairs left and the place hasn't even opened yet.   Anyone who knows me knows that I must have my coffee in the morning.  I usually would not even enter the world of others without it.  Well, this was early and no coffee!!!! One of those fasting tests....how normal can any test be when you haven't had anything to eat for 12 hours...like who lives like that !!!!!   I digress...so blood work done and off to the big city to see the doctor.  I have had this appt for about 3 months.  Get there, and don't have enough change to park in the metered parking but recall that at this point I have yet to complete my first coffee.  Not enough caffeine to make really good choices.  Park and spend my last dime, literally.   Get lost in the hospital b/c for some reason I have no memory of where his office is...I blame the lack of caffeine.   Approach the receptionist and give my name and she says with What doctor?  I repeat his name.  "Oh no he doesn't make appt on Monday"  Ok so it isn't yet 9 a.m. and my day is not beginning on a good note I still believe mainly due to this fasting deal.   So, what is a person to do...off to Timmies!!!!!!

On the way home I make a decision to go and visit my old place of employment.   Well now that turned the day around 180 degrees.   If ever there is a place I can go when things aren't going well it is to the school.  One, it is always more chaotic there than anywhere I might find myself these days and two the staff are always so happy to see me.  How many places can you go in your life where people are genuinely happy to see you.  Even family is suspect when you gather with them, cause they are suppose to be happy to see you.
So although the day didn't get off to a very good start, and in my mind was setting a standard of what life will be like for the next little while (read for the next few years) it was a delight to go to the school, walk through the noisy and dangerously busy hallways (remember teenagers do not look where they are going they assume any one older than them is the Red Sea - we will just part as they come by) and chat with old friends.
My school was my refuge in the past and today I realized it will still be a place of refuge this time round.
How lucky can a person be in life....I have people in my life who really love me and don't mind letting me know.

Today I saw one of my blessings....and you know what it had nothing to do with cancer...see cancer isn't the only way we find blessings.

Feeling...ooh what a feeling!

Feeling....oooh what a feeling!


Beautiful fall day...sun is out,not too cold.   Decided it was a good day to finish the fall clean up and do some pruning.   Best idea I could have had.   The crisp air, the light wind, and the fall sun made me feel so alive.  I realized that there are times when you feel the air touch your skin and it just sings with life.   I love the wind and have always enjoyed sitting in it and walking in it (with my back to it of course).  Today, I realized how wonderful it is to just be alive and to feel.   The sensations I get when the sun shines on my face, the wind touches my arms,  so often we are too busy to notice these things.   What I realized was that it is those sensations that remind us that we are living, breathing, entities.   Not to feel means that I am  dead.  That can mean the same thing emotionally.  Not feeling angry, sad, or even just melancholy means that we are at some level no longer living.  So today, although emotionally I may be a little dead, physically I am very much alive.  So now I plan on working on the emotional side and going off to finish a beautiful knitted sweater I am making for myself.  OOOOH what a lift that will be.   So, no bus rides today people...you will all just have to walk!