Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Hard Decisions.......

First Happy May 1st to everyone everywhere.....we are certainly are a very different world today and we must always take time to reflect on what work means to us and how important it is to have meaningful, just employment.

Now for a sad situation I find myself in.   I have cancer and it is often hard for me to see others who have this disease but are not as fortunate as myself.  Since I was diagnosed I have said good bye to 29 women at least who I got to know because of this horrible disease.  There came a time when I stopped going to support groups, stopped going to fund raisers etc b/c it was just too hard on me.   I felt that I was constantly realizing that one more person was no longer there.    The other part was that often I would see people suffering through the final stages of cancer and wonder if that was how I would be when my turn came.   It is very hard to be objective when you are looking at someone who is suffering through this disease and you know that possibly one day you too will be at that place.  

I now find myself trying to decide whether I have the strength to visit someone I know who has terminal cancer, or if I just have to admit that I can't do  it.   I feel terrible!    I don't want to not see her, but on the other hand I don't know if emotionally I can deal with the fall out after I do.   I can honestly say that I will be stoic and 'normal' while I am visiting but I also know that after it will be very hard to deal with.  It is a selfish way to see things but I am trying in this time to be honest with myself.   I will pray hard about what I should or should not do.     It is my nature to care for and be there for others, but I don't know if that is possible at this point.   It is hard for me to admit it but maybe that is what I am being called to do for my own sanity.

God, let me know what I should far the universe seems to be telling me to look after myself and not feel bad about it..........oh I wish someone would find a cure for cancer and then this wouldn't even be a problem.......

1 comment:

Pat said...

How about meeting your dilemma half way? Would your conscience allow you to just make a phone call to your friend to let her know that you are thinking of her and praying for her and that you wish you could visit her but you have a "viral infection" (I think God allows white lies if they are meant for the good) and have to avoid hospitals and low immune persons? I think just the connection with her at this time, no matter the manner, is what is meaningful.