Saturday, May 19, 2012

This moment......remembers that moment!

Haven't been able to write much lately.   Seems like all my feelings and emotions are mixed up and confused.   I feel well physically, although I do notice that I am more tired than usual.   Seem to want to nap alot and often have an idea for doing something then 'sleep' gets in the way.  Oh well, at least I am still essentially healthy.

I am feeling very sad though b/c someone I have known for thirty years is dying of cancer.   She has just sort of been around in my life all these years and I guess in many ways I never thought about a time when she wouldn't be.    It is also very close for me b/c she seems to be going down  hill really quickly.  Things can change so fast.  As I write this I find my eyes welling up and the tears starting to fall.  Life seems to just go by so quickly sometimes, and it scares me.   What seemed like just yesterday is actually many years ago. 

Eleven years ago today, I was at my 25th high school reunion in Montreal.   I was so excited!    A friend and I had driven up from Toronto (each with a child in tow) and were getting ready in our hotel room to go to the dinner and dance.    Another friend that we hadn't seen in 25 years (at least I hadn't) was due to come by the hotel to go with us.  It was such a fun time and so much to look forward to.   We felt like we were so old celebrating 25 years, but at the same time the emotions and excitement were similar to getting ready for a school dance.   Oh to get that time back!

The other side of that weekend was it was the beginning of my not feeling well.   I ended up leaving the dance early b/c I was just too tired.  I figured it was the trip and the excitement and so I didn't worry much.   The next day I spent walking around in all my old haunts with my then 12 year old daughter showing her all the childhood places and telling all kinds (albeit censored of course )stories of the things we used to do here and there.  I even went to my old house, knocked on the door and asked if I could show my daughter - the new owners were very happy to oblige.  I  remember we went for supper at the St.Hubert BBQ restaurant that was built on the old golf course that was behind my house when I was little was a great day.   Little did I know that what was coming would make that day engraved in my head because it is the last day I remember that she and I spent so care free.    39 days later I would be diagnosed with Stage 3, Grade 3, Clear Cell Epithelial Ovarian Cancer.    Our lives would never be the same again!

Life can change in a can change for good or bad...but nothing stays the same no matter how hard we try to make it.    Eleven years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and would go home to the East Coast about two months later.    This woman who is now dying would come to see me and comfort me......
I had the privilege of seeing her while I was in NS this past month and I am so grateful.   Who would have believed that so many years later I would still be here to say good bye to her.    She is much older than me and she has lived a full and good life, but still it breaks my heart to know that she will soon be gone.

As I sit here I realize that we all need to take a minute and just live now, right now, not tomorrow, not yesterday, not even a moment from now BUT RIGHT NOW......can you hear the birds, the silence, see the beauty, taste or smell the air, if so sit in it and wallow....don't move on till the moment is over and then live in the next may be your last and you will have missed it, and then again it may not.....but it may be the one moment you really want to remember and hold that day 11 years ago, feeling tired and drained, I still took the time to share it with my daughter and can sit and recall just about everything we said and in the moment then has given me many moments of joy both now and over the past eleven years.

1 comment:

Katherine Kilcullen said...

Hi Liz,
I seem to be spinning in circles as well and as I read your blog this week it reminded me that I had "stopped" living in the moment. I was so wrapped up in negativity, that I was wasting what time I have here and NOW! Thank you for that reminder. It is hard when tired to get much of anything done. I have this "to do" list that I wanted done before surgery and it keeps staring me in the face nagging me, "You're going to be sorry" if you don't get it done!
Keep strong. You are the wind beneath my wings You have been a cancer survivor twice as long as me and I still have so much to learn about this journey that keeps shaking my world.
HUGS and LOVE sent your way!