I think I may be coming to the end of my rope with this disease and the situation it places me in. For over the past 10 years I have been at the mercy of an insurance company and nothing is sacred or private. I appreciate and know that I am fortunate to have this in place, but the freedom and feelings of control that you must give up in order to have this type of income can be more stressful than the disease itself at times.
I work a very few hours each month which means that I have to let the insurance company know exactly how many hours and how much money I am making. Then and only then will they forward my cheque to me....recently, they don't seem too concerned about my living circumstances as they never seem to have the cheque in the bank on time. I know that I am only one of many, but really, how do others who don't have such understanding landlords and creditors function. It is mind blowing and at times very depressing and stressful to always wonder if you are going to have your money in place to cover your expenses. Then, if not it means you have to open yourself up to others and explain again making you feel that nothing is private anymore.
Lately, I have been waking up every morning with a headache and my body seems to ache constantly. I think it is stress and worry, but I will be off to the doctors soon to make sure 'that is all it is'!!!! As if that isn't enough!.....I think I am getting to the point in my life where I just wish everything was different. I know this sounds histrionic but there are times I actually think it would be easier if I had just died. This world is not geared for people who are ill over long periods of time. You have to be healthy or sick....there is no room or accommodation for those of us who find our selves in between. I feel so lost sometimes and lonely.....what's the point, and then remember all the blessings.
I also know that its not politically correct to not be grateful for life but sometimes the life I have sucks. There have been days lately where I just want to shut the door, turn off the phone and crawl back under my covers and never get up. That sounds so attractive right now....maybe I will go lie down for awhile and hopefully get rid of this headache. I am sure I am getting an ulcer from all the Advil I am ingesting lately....
I am looking forward to the weekend, and so I will focus there for the moment and try and try and restore my 'attitude of gratitude' .........even knitting doesn't seem to entice me today....it must be a lousy day!!!