Saturday, March 31, 2012

Appointments....and old memories!

So, the appointment day came and went and I am still here and nothing really has changed.   I must admit though you would think that after all these years it wouldn't be so hard to go to the Cancer Clinic....but it is.   It is not just an emotional/mental strain it actually is a physical one as well.   It just goes to prove that every cell in your body has a memory.....I feel like I go right back to the very first day that I walked in there, even though to look at me you probably wouldn't know.   Sitting there on Thursday without anything to distract me was a real 'reality' check.   I looked around and realized that there are a lot of people who belong to the same club as me.   I mean you wouldn't be there if you didn't have cancer or know someone who has.     A lot of these people are really sick too.   Some can't walk at all, others have oxygen tanks attached, others have no hair (actually quite a few), and some are rail thin.   Then there are the faces of the families.   Trying to put on a good front but watching everyone around them and you know that they wished they were anywhere but here.   It is a sad place......and then the gong goes off.   

When one is done chemo there are bells you can ring.   I guess the people in radiation felt left out so now there is a gong you can ring.    And it is loud!!!!.....bigger bells will have to be got for the chemo patients.   As funny as it sounds and maybe even a sense of last chemo I didn't feel like ringing any bells.   That was one of the scariest days of the whole journey.....if I can't have chemo how am I going to keep this 'beast' at bay......I feel a little less frightened these days but I remember everyone else wanting to party and celebrate, and I just wanted to crawl under a rock and cry.....

I sat there for a long time, mainly b/c I was a little early and the doctor was a lot late!....I hated every moment and will never go without my knitting or a book again.   It is like a pall comes over you and  your eyes glaze over and you stare out without looking.    Remembering everything about the first time, and wishing this was an experience you never had to have.....even after all these years I still have the ability physically, mentally and emotionally to return to that day almost 11 years ago and feel the exact same way.......I guess in many ways that is what trauma does to enters the memory of the cells and sits there till something triggers it and then BANG....sends you right back.

Well, another three months before I have to do that again, so here's to going back to my life of living each day fully and not wallowing in the past ........

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