Thursday, February 16, 2012

Need to be rested.....not needed

The hardest lesson that I have had to learn with this illness is to accept my own limitations.   I still have difficulty saying 'no' and actually meaning it....or at least doing it in such a way that people realize that I can't or don't want to do whatever is being asked of me.

I don't think that anyone would want me to do anything more than what is possible, but I still have a very hard time with this situation.   Before cancer, my energy levels were such that I rarely if ever said no and really wanted to do all the things that I did.   Today, often I have the desire to do things, but don't have the energy.   It can be a real internal struggle and at times can lead to great regrets because I feel awful physically afterwards.   It is dealing more with the desire to continue like before, than the feeling that  people are asking more of me than I can give.

There are many lessons to be learned when you health becomes compromised.   If I was lying in bed, moaning and writhing, I would have no problem because no one would even think to ask me to do anything at all.   So that just verifies that it is my problem not theirs.   I have to begin to prioritize my activities, not worrying that I am letting anyone down.   Rather arrogant of me when I think of it.   As if the world cannot function without my actions.   I believe though that my true concern is that people will be disappointed in me and then move away.   What a dilemma!!!!!

Obviously, I have much work to do on my need to be I really am feeling my need to be rested.....way too busy these days and it is catching up on me like crazy........

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