Fear seems to be a big theme in my life these days. In some ways I thought I had dealt with it and packaged it up and put it on the shelf. Having Cancer I guess I had realized one of the worst fears I might have and anything else would be fluff. That is not the case. Sometimes it just creeps up on me and I look it straight in the eye and think "not again".
This fear is different again. Fear of not making good choices. Fear of being selfish and self absorbed. I have this fear that I will do too much and then the cancer will take control again. Fear of losing the energy and health that I still have. I am at a crossroads in my life, where I have to make decisions that affect other people but I might have to put my own concerns first. This is not always an easy task for me. I like to make sure that everyone around me sees me as the fixer, the helper, the one who will be there no matter what. I don't think I can be that person anymore. I am afraid to be that person, because I am afraid of this disease. One thing I truly believe about illness is that energy plays a big part in the ability of being able to keep things at bay. If I get too tired, too exhausted my body won't be able to sustain the necessary strength to keep the cancer from taking over.
Do I take a risk and do what I think I SHOULD do, or do I try and be honest with the people in my life and actually say 'I am afraid".....it is a difficult place for me to be. I don't like being afraid, and even more I don't like others to know that is how I feel. I often play a game of hide and seek with my feelings because I don't want people to worry, pity or concern themselves. Maybe I need to work on being honest about my fears!!!! I recognize them, and I reflect on them, my only weakness is admitting them to others. Perhaps that is where I am being led this time....to stand alone in my corner and not feel afraid of what others may think of me. My head knows that most will be on side, but it is taking that 18" journey to my heart that seems to be the problem.
So, again fear enters my life....at a deeper level again, and hopefully I will journey with it and come out the other end......this disease seems to have alot of lessons left in it......bad cancer, bad cancer, bad cancer!!!!