Need to be rested.....not needed

The hardest lesson that I have had to learn with this illness is to accept my own limitations.   I still have difficulty saying 'no' and actually meaning it....or at least doing it in such a way that people realize that I can't or don't want to do whatever is being asked of me.

I don't think that anyone would want me to do anything more than what is possible, but I still have a very hard time with this situation.   Before cancer, my energy levels were such that I rarely if ever said no and really wanted to do all the things that I did.   Today, often I have the desire to do things, but don't have the energy.   It can be a real internal struggle and at times can lead to great regrets because I feel awful physically afterwards.   It is dealing more with the desire to continue like before, than the feeling that  people are asking more of me than I can give.

There are many lessons to be learned when you health becomes compromised.   If I was lying in bed, moaning and writhing, I would have no problem because no one would even think to ask me to do anything at all.   So that just verifies that it is my problem not theirs.   I have to begin to prioritize my activities, not worrying that I am letting anyone down.   Rather arrogant of me when I think of it.   As if the world cannot function without my actions.   I believe though that my true concern is that people will be disappointed in me and then move away.   What a dilemma!!!!!

Obviously, I have much work to do on my need to be needed.......today I really am feeling my need to be rested.....way too busy these days and it is catching up on me like crazy........

Finances and illness......

We live in a world where the most important determining factor of one's life is not necessary health but rather finances.   It isn't a pleasant thing to say but, if one is honest, it is the reality in which we live here in North America.  One of the major determining factors of whether a person works or doesn't work when they are ill is not what is best for their health but rather whether they can afford it or not!!!!

We are blessed in Canada with a universal health care system which in times of need can be the difference between life and death, literally and financially.   It is often believed that when we get sick that everything will be looked after.   Initially, that is true.  If  you need to be hospitalized for an accident or serious illness, the immediate concerns are looked after and there is no worry that a huge bill will be presented to you as you leave the hospital.   That is a blessing in itself.

What I need to vent about is the idea that when you have a long term, chronic, serious or even short term and out-patient illness or health issue the financial side can be very difficult.  When I was working I had a good job and didn't have to worry about money...I even had a savings account.  There was always enough money ...albeit not much...but enough that if there was an emergency I could probably handle it.   What would constitute an emergency in my life would mainly being able to travel back home if need be because of illness or death in my own family.   That security no longer exists in my life.   I feel guilty complaining as I have enough money to look after myself....but that is it.  There are no extra dollars lying around at the end of the month...and even worse there is absolutely no savings left.   The first couple of years were easier with that little nest egg but alas that has long gone to cover the incidentals over the years.   As for the credit cards, well that in itself is a blog.....did I learn the hard way!

My purpose here is not be complain and whine about finances...it is to honestly look at the financial cost of illness especially here in Canada.   Our system looks after hospital expenses which are enormous...but it doesn't look after the gas to and from the hospital, the parking at the hospital, the extra food costs for family during hospital stays.  It doesn't look after the prescriptions that you may get on the way out, and in some situations it doesn't even look after the tests needed or drugs needed while you are hospitalized.   For the individual, it becomes a burden if they no longer work.   Bills remain constant even when the pay cheque changes. Actually, bills increase while the income remains constant as insurance companies don't increase wages for inflation. If it is chronic, the bills begin to pile up, the savings deplete and eventually you learn very quickly how to live literally hand to mouth....counting every penny till the next cheque.  Savings forget it.!!!!!     And those don't include the costs of the pills, medicines and other necessities that might be incurred for the illness.    Often, permanent disability means a loss of benefits, as employers rarely if ever cover that in their insurance premiums.   So at a time when you may find you need drug benefits the most ....they are gone!    Also, if you have an insurance plan or CCP  that is taxable,  again another situation arises where the tax bill grows but the ability to pay it recedes.

I have been ill for 10 plus years....not always in bed ill, but with my disease it is chronic and constant.   I have been blessed with the best people in the world who have given me love, support, and even a hand up at times.   I feel that I am really one of the lucky ones.    Still, there are times when I feel frustrated because in a society that places so much importance on finances, I can't even begin to participate.    My mother is ill, I would dearly like to just take a plane down for a couple of days to see her, but my finances don't allow it.   It isn't that I couldn't find a way, it just isn't as easy as it used to be when I was working and had that little extra.

We are very fortunate to live in a country that has universal health care....and we must fight to keep it...there is a bill that Steven Harper is trying to push through Parliament in March that could see us lose it to multinational corporations.....( that is a whole other story....be aware)    BUT,  it behooves each of us to educate ourselves on exactly what it costs a family to get sick in this country............it is still not a cheap endeavour!!!!!   and again if Mr. Harper has his way it may become even worse!

Fear....standing alone amidst it

Fear seems to be a big theme in my life these days.   In some ways I thought I had dealt with it and packaged it up and put it on the shelf.   Having Cancer I guess I had realized one of the worst fears I might have and anything else would be fluff.   That is not the case.   Sometimes it just creeps up on me and I look it straight in the eye and think "not again".

This fear is different again.   Fear of not making good choices.  Fear of being selfish and self absorbed.  I have this fear that I will do too much and then the cancer will take control again.  Fear of losing the energy and health that I still have.   I am at a crossroads in my life, where I have to make decisions that affect other people but I might have to put my own concerns first.   This is not always an easy task for me.   I like to make sure that everyone around me sees me as the fixer, the helper, the one who will be there no matter what.   I don't think I can be that person anymore.    I am afraid to be that person, because I am afraid of this disease.    One thing I truly believe about illness is that energy plays a big  part in the ability of being able to keep things at bay.    If I get too tired, too exhausted my body won't be able to sustain the necessary strength to keep the cancer from taking over.  

Do I take a risk and do what I think I SHOULD do, or do I try and be honest with the people in my life and actually say 'I am afraid".....it is a difficult place for me to be.    I don't like being afraid, and even more I don't like others to know that is how I feel.   I often play a game of hide and seek with my feelings because I don't want people to worry, pity or concern themselves.   Maybe I need to work on being honest about my fears!!!!   I recognize them, and I reflect on them, my only weakness is admitting them to others.  Perhaps that is where I am being led this time....to stand alone in my corner and not feel afraid of what others may think of me.   My head knows that most will be on side, but it is taking that 18" journey to my heart that seems to be the problem.

So, again fear enters my life....at a deeper level again, and hopefully I will journey with it and come out the other end......this disease seems to have alot of lessons left in it......bad cancer, bad cancer, bad cancer!!!!

Saying Goodbye......

Its a sad time right now.  I am having to say good bye to someone that I have known since childhood.   We were not what I would call good friends although there were times over the years when we were closer than others.   It just makes me sad to realize that sometimes we don't appreciate the time we have as much as we should.   I could have been a better friend, I could have been more present but I wasn't.  Now it is too late.

I have had the opportunity the past couple of days to talk with others that knew him in school as well.  It is interesting what others have to say and the memories that they share of the person.   I wish we could all be a bit more loving and giving, and then maybe at times like these there wouldn't be any regrets.  It is amazing how each person in our life, no matter how insignificant the relationship may seem, connects us to others.   These past few days have allowed me to talk with people I haven't spoken with in years and yet we share a past that no one else in my life at this time has any idea of.    We have the good, the bad, the ugly memories of growing up, of the cruelness of childhood, the laughs and the blessings too.
Of how we affected people and how we have grown into better hopefully more loving people.

I will miss him, but not in a day to day way because he was not in my life in that way.  I will miss him b/c he was  part of my past and now those memories that we shared are gone.   May he rest in peace and may his soul be at rest.....a rest it may not have been able to find in this life.

Growing old......

Feeling a little old today.   Tired and sore and think I might be coming down with something.  Aside from those normal ailments though I am feeling a little down.    No reason to if one looks at the day.  Had a great time with family, and always great to have a little one around to make you smile.   I must say I miss those days when my daughter was so young and everything was new and exciting.

It just seems that life is moving by so quickly.  In many ways I am grateful that I can complain about that fact because 10 and a half years ago I would have thought I wouldn't be around at this point.   Initially, I had a very narrow window of a future according to statistics and thought I only had three more years.    Needless to say, I am one of the few people I know that loves to have a birthday, considering the alternative in my mind sucks.

I guess I am just realizing that I am at a point in life where I soon will be the generation at the top.   My mother is not well at the moment although it isn't anything serious.  Although when you are almost 87, anything can be serious.   She has been in hospital for a couple of weeks, which alone concerns me as it isn't very common anymore to have such extended stays....usually they are pushing you out the door as quickly as possible, even to the point of offering to call you a cab.   Being far away doesn't help because then I have to depend on others to give me updates and their impressions of how she is doing.    Phoned her and she sounded so tired.   I mean, soul tired, you know when it is an effort just to talk, to be seems to take a toll.   That makes me realize that she is old, not a politically correct statement I know but come on at some point lets call a spade a spade!!!!!   And then to top it off, I have a daughter who just turned 23 and so that makes me feel old......

I have been thinking alot about how fast life seems to go by.   We only have one day at a time, but it seems as you get older those days seem to fly by much more quickly.   It seemed like yesterday that I was 23, living near my parents, or maybe even with them, attending University wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life.....well the rest of my life has come and I am still wondering what I am going to do.  The insides, my brain, seems to tell me that I am still that person, but the outside, the one I meet in the mirror periodically tells a whole other tale.   I still haven't been able to get used to her.....every time I look in a mirror or my reflection in a window I am startled and think "who the hell is that????."    Just goes to show that the saying you are as old as you feel is the correct one.....and also why I only have one mirror in my house!!!!!

So, I will reflect on this time in my life.   It is a time of great moments both good and bad, but I think that has been what life has always been.    I guess the main thing is to just be aware of how the world seems at any point in time.....

Creator and created!

The aspect of 'awe' has entered my life twice in the past week.  It is not very common when living in the city that one gets to really see the amazing creation that we have been blessed with.   Well, I can say that God has chosen to show me that recently and I must say both times I was just awestruck by realizing what a beautiful and perfect world that was created for us to live in.

The first time happened in my own back yard.   As I said, I live in the city.  Albeit a small one but still the busy, bright lights, lots of noise type city.   One would assume that seeing any kind of wild life would be virtually unheard of, but to see what I was blessed to see is beyond belief.   It was approximately 5am and my dog decided that she really needed to go out.....she is getting older so this seems to becoming more regular...as those of us who too are aging  understand.....anyways.

So, I let her out into the darkness of the backyard.  I am standing at the door with my cat in hand, as she always feels that she too should be allowed out, and I notice that she is very very focused on something.  So much so that she is actually rigid and staring.  I try to see what it is she is looking at but it takes a minute....and then OMG there in my extended back yard is the most beautiful Doe standing as if in a picture with her head up  listening.   I was 'awestruck'!!!!   Quickly and very quietly I called the dog before she noticed and started to bark.   Then I put my coat and boots on and went outside.    As I moved for a better view behind the garage, there was her fawn grazing too.   I couldn't believe it.....then she picked up my scent and she stood very tall which her head cocked to the side as if deciding whether I was danger or not.   All of a sudden she let out this low, rumble like growl and her fawn leap into the air and ran in the opposite direction, and then she followed.    I just stood there feeling like I had been blessed in the best possible way.....no matter what happened it was going to be a 'good' day.....then.   I didn't get my camera, I didn't get a picture, but the memory is ingrained in my mind as if it was.   It was too important to enjoy the moment than to try and immortalize it.

Three days ago, while staying at a friends in the country, I again got to watch a number of deer grazing on her front lawn.   I woke up early, it was still dark, and just happened to glance out the window and there where at least three deer just having an early morning breakfast right in front of the window.  I just stood and stared, thinking that this is what we need to be reminded of on a daily basis.   Despite what we think, there is a world out there that exists beyond our lives that is more beautiful and perfect than we could ever hope to create our selves.   Just watching them gave me a sense of peace and contentment.    Oh creation is 'awe' inspiring.........and then I starting realizing.....I too had created beauty and perfection ......

.....I did that 23 years ago today when I created the most beautiful human being in my eyes ....my daughter.   I can't believe that she is all grown up, but I couldn't be prouder of the person she has grown to be.   She is beautiful in my eyes both inside and out and so I too have created something that the world is better for.  I realized that my ability to create beauty has made me an important piece of humanity, and that world will never be the same for my creation......

Thank you God for giving me the grace to appreciate your creations and to realize my own!

I Don't Want to Die

Fear is the anti-thesis of freedom.   I have come to understand the concept of fear intimately.  I remember clearly the day I was diagnosed with cancer.   The doctor leaned over and told me that unfortunately the pain was not from an burst appendix but rather from multiple tumours in my abdomen.    The fear that struck me immediately was ‘oh no I don’t want to die’.  The next thought was ‘that doctor could use some sensitivity training’!   Cancer diagnoses leads one to go to that abyss….to face full on the fear we all have at some level….death. 

Over the past 10 and  half  years I have been in that exact situation twice more.   Each time the fear has gripped me but in a different way.   I have taken time recently to reflect on what that means in my life and why it is absolutely important to look deeply at what  fear means and how is it preventing me from fulfilling my own potential.   Having cancer does not negate the life that I have lived up to this point, nor whatever life I may still have to live.   What cancer has the ability to do is to stop me in my tracks and prevent me from freely living out whatever life I have.

The first time I heard I had cancer, as I mentioned I thought immediately about dying.   I have to admit I didn’t stay in that place very long.   On looking back, even at the time, I realized that the fear I felt at the diagnoses was not nearly as gripping and scary as the times I had thought I might have cancer.   I was a single mother and so sometimes things like really bad headaches, unknown pains of various sorts, panic attacks, would take me to a place that ‘maybe its cancer or am I having a heart attack’ and I would be terrified.   Then whatever  was  wrong would pass and all would be well.   I didn’t have that type of gripping fear the first time….it was the kind of  fear  that sent me into action.   What can we do, what can I do?  The fear  that sends you into a flight response.  I was running from it by trying to fix it. It was also a long term fear similar to a betrayal.   My body couldn’t be trusted, every pain or illness became suspect….it was exhausting and it took a long time to trust my own instincts again. 

The second diagnoses  was different altogether again.   The fear that I faced was masked by a real sense of anger.   Anger at the liaise faire way the doctors seemed to see this new cancer.  Anger that my body had let me down again.   Anger at having to go through everything again but this time knowing what was to come….that fear is worse than the first.   Now I know what I am in store for and I am really afraid of what will come.   I even thought briefly of not doing treatments because the fear of what was going to happen gripped me and seemed more frightening in the short term than the cancer itself.     Eventually that too passed and I moved back into  acceptance, but this time with an acceptance that was much deeper and more profound….I now belong to the club.  Once might be an anomaly but twice I became a card carrier!  In some ways I realized that having cancer was not an event….it was to become a way of life!

This most recent diagnosis began differently again.  I thought I had passed the fear stage and could move right into acceptance.    Initially all seemed well and I was doing the things that I normally do.   I had decided to wait out treatment because the tumour was small and was not causing any trouble.   Then the pain began and still I thought my mental state was capable of dealing with it.   As time went on I began to feel less well, and more tired.   I started not wanting to do things, and even began to isolate.   I cried more often, and worried much more.   I seemed to have entered a valley and I couldn’t find my way out.    I was sure it was the cancer and that I had no control over how I was feeling.   Then something very interesting happened.!    The pain got really worse and it was decided that we would do surgery.   I was open to that especially because I couldn’t deal with the pain anymore.    So, the process began.   The first ct scan was not very good so I had a second.  The second didn’t seem to be right either, the tumour was no where to be found.    Then the pain went away and I had this energy I had been missing.   I began to think maybe the tumour was gone and I was cured!  I believe in miracles, I have been the receiver in the past of such and have seen others receive them.   So why not this time?   My energy was great, I was sleeping, I was excited about Christmas…life was so good.   Then the MRI and the news that ‘no the tumour is still there and it is growing but slowly’.  I was sitting in the doctor’s office and I remember feeling this deflation, like someone had just let the air out of me.   I was so disappointed.    My daughter was with me and as we drove away from the hospital, I told her how disappointed I was.  Her response was ‘you didn’t really think that the tumour was gone did you?”  My response was “of course I did”.   But, that question got me thinking.   What had really changed?    I have had cancer for almost eleven years.   I have been told three times, ‘you have cancer’.  What was different right now at this minute in my life that wasn’t there before the appointment?  Certainly nothing tangible.  

The only difference was whatever importance I had put on this situation from a mental point of view.   I had felt wonderful, energized, positive, enthusiastic about life when I ‘thought’ it might be gone.   So what had changed?   Nothing really!   Oh, my thoughts had changed, what I believed to be true had changed. I had lost the fear that I had been feeling before the ‘miracle’.   It was fear that was the disease  that was really determining my life.   Fear was the problem not cancer.  It became very clear that the mind and the thoughts we carry around have the ability to change not only our psyche but also our physical well being.    Now this didn’t all happen in a flash of a minute.   I spent many days thinking about this and reflecting on the past eleven years and how I have dealt with the fears.   I began to see the freedom that I received the first time. Although I was afraid of the cancer there were other fears that no longer mattered.   All of a sudden those silly   fears that I had had disappeared.  I used to hate flying and had to take drugs when I did.   After my diagnoses I didn’t really worry about flying…..I mean I had cancer!    Other similar fears seemed insignificant too.   I realized then that I had spent a good portion of my life in a state of fear, a state of ‘what if’ and the what if happened and I was still here….at least for that moment.    The second time, I became a little more paralysed for a longer period of time.   I didn’t want to belong to the group.  I didn’t want to have to carry the cancer card.   Eventually, that too passed although I must admit I began to see that one can use the cancer card at times to get things one wants.   Now I wasn’t greedy or misleading, but hey if I have to live this reality I am going to find a good use for it!   The third time, I actually found myself going into a depression.     I hadn’t gone there before.   It took me by surprise and I  really didn’t know what was going on initially.   Looking back, it was fear again, but in a different way.   It took me to a deeper level and allowed me to see that the old ‘me’ was not going to be able to get the new me through it this time.    She was tired, she had been strong and positive for 10 years and now she was too tired to continue.   I had to let the old me go and find the new me inside.   The fear, the depression took me to a place deep within myself and allowed me the ability to let the old me rest….let her go.    By doing that, the new me has begun to see the power that my mind has over my physical being.    My mind can make me sick, can make me feel like I  have no more energy, even when my body has not arrived at that place yet.    My mind is a very powerful thing, and it is important that I do not allow it to control me.

I still have cancer, and I did even before they told me I did.   Yet, today I choose to live in the moment and not let fear take me to a place that I have yet to get to.  I have my moments, and they do serve a purpose.  But I don’t sit in those times and wallow.  I reflect what is it I need to do.  When packing up Christmas decorations I wondered if this was my last Christmas.  That thought led me to think what do I need to do if it is?  I decided to pack up the decorations with little notes about where they came from and why they were important to me.   Once that was done, the fear seemed to subside.   I may be here next year, I may not, but the reality of this moment is “I am prepared”…which if you know me is my greatest fear…that I won’t be ready to die!!!!!!     Today I am free not fearful.    As I said at the beginning, fear is the anti-thesis of freedom.  In order to be free, whatever that means, it is important that I look fear in the eye and deal with it then move on…….what is your fear trying to get you to look at?