There is a saying I heard many years ago when I was first diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. "The longer you live with cancer, the longer you will live". I don't think at the time I truly understood the significance of this statement. I do now. The research that is going on for this disease is immeasurable. What is done now in one year would have taken 10 years a few decades ago. I found out I had cancer in 2001, and at the time the prognosis for Ovarian Cancer was very bleak. Interestingly, I had known someone who had died from this exact cancer 29 years earlier and the statistics had not changed much for late stage diagnosis. It still is a really bad cancer, and if I had been given the choice I would not have chosen this one. There are so many more 'curable' (I use the term loosely) ones to pick from. There are still no diagnostic tools available that can pick up this cancer in the early stages with any reliability. The ultrasounds, and blood tests are not very effective So it still has a very high mortality rate because most will be diagnosed in late stage and over 55% will die within the first year. Of all the gynecological cancers, over 50% of the deaths this year will be from Ovarian Cancer alone.
So, what's the good news! Well it seems that since my initial diagnoses there has been an amazing amount of research done on various therapies to try and halt the disease or at least improve remission periods. Ten years ago (actually 9.5) there was only really one type of chemo that even remotely had the possibility to give women some type of remission or reprieve from the illness. Surgery was and still is the best for survival rates, but chemo is almost always necessary in addition. Now, there are more drugs available and the research into other forms of therapy to at least make the tumors drug sensitive or less vascular are hopeful.
The reason I am so excited about this has a very personal point. I am off to see a different oncologist this week, in order to cover all my bases. I will probably be able to have surgery again, PLEASE, as that would be the best scenario, but just in case I want to know what my other options are. You see surgery is usually only an option in the initial diagnoses, not in recurrent times. I have been extremely lucky to have been one of the rare cases where I had surgery the second time...third time who knows! So I have been doing my own research so that when I see the Medical Oncologist (as opposed to Surgical) I can have some questions to ask. I believe in being a very active partner in my own journey. Not that I don't trust the doctors, because I do, but because I believe that it is my responsibility to at least have some idea of what is going on with my particular disease. It would be much easier to just defer the responsibility but that has never been my way of doing things, so I am not about to start now. I feel it is important to know what has happened in the world of research in order that I can at least have some idea of what to ask, and it makes me sound intelligent too!!!!!
This journey was never one I wanted to take and as I have said "it is not of my own making" but it is my journey and I don't want to be just an idle passenger on the bus. I like to drive the bus periodically, although I will give over the wheel when it comes to difficult medical procedures....and I do listen........although most people that know me might find that hard to believe. I listen.....I research....I ask questions.....and then WE decide what is best....its a journey of more than one!!!!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Needing to be needed.......
My profession was one of helping people. Living in the same town it is not uncommon for me to still be available for those who need a shoulder to cry on or just an ear. I am still very capable of being a presence to another which is often all they need in times of crises. I am happy when others want me to help, more so now as it means that even though I am retired, (read long term disability), I am still a valuable part of the community and necessary even.
What always surprises me, is that often others feel that they are adding to my burden because I have to deal with my own problems as well. It is completely different from the way I see it. Perception is so personal! Having cancer has often made me feel like I am on the periphery looking in as I no longer seem to have the active role I used to. Having been a caregiver that is even more difficult. I remember when I first got sick, and I was discussing how my daughter and I would journey through this. One of the things I remember saying is "if I still have to be a mom, then that means you still have to go to school and learn"....."neither of us gets to slack off". It was my way of giving my daughter permission to continue, in some small way, being a child. I remember one of her teachers didn't want to call me about some difficulties that she was having b/c he didn't want to bother me. I told him very firmly but kindly, "I don't know how long I have to be her mother, but please let me be it as long as I have." Feisty thing I was! Allowing me to focus on other things and people actually is a form of respite....it takes my mind off my problems for a time.
Those of us who are dealing with illness or loss need to be needed. It is part of the human condition. To take that away only increases the emphasis on the illness, and makes us feel more isolated. I do admit that there are times when I don't have the energy to take on any further problems, but I have been graced to realize that and to say no. Just because I say no today, does not mean that I will say no tomorrow. Keep needing me, so that I will realize that I am important and necessary. There is nothing worse than to feel redundant or useless...especially when you have an illness that may last for years. Cancer is a disease that often people live with today, rather than die from. It is important that their emotional well being be taken care of as well as their physical needs. Also, it is even more important to allow us to decide for ourselves what it is we want to do and no do. I remember having to say to someone in the early days, "I have cancer in the ovaries, not the brain. I can still think for myself". We have lost so much with this illness, don't take away our ability to participant in whatever life we still have.
What always surprises me, is that often others feel that they are adding to my burden because I have to deal with my own problems as well. It is completely different from the way I see it. Perception is so personal! Having cancer has often made me feel like I am on the periphery looking in as I no longer seem to have the active role I used to. Having been a caregiver that is even more difficult. I remember when I first got sick, and I was discussing how my daughter and I would journey through this. One of the things I remember saying is "if I still have to be a mom, then that means you still have to go to school and learn"....."neither of us gets to slack off". It was my way of giving my daughter permission to continue, in some small way, being a child. I remember one of her teachers didn't want to call me about some difficulties that she was having b/c he didn't want to bother me. I told him very firmly but kindly, "I don't know how long I have to be her mother, but please let me be it as long as I have." Feisty thing I was! Allowing me to focus on other things and people actually is a form of respite....it takes my mind off my problems for a time.
Those of us who are dealing with illness or loss need to be needed. It is part of the human condition. To take that away only increases the emphasis on the illness, and makes us feel more isolated. I do admit that there are times when I don't have the energy to take on any further problems, but I have been graced to realize that and to say no. Just because I say no today, does not mean that I will say no tomorrow. Keep needing me, so that I will realize that I am important and necessary. There is nothing worse than to feel redundant or useless...especially when you have an illness that may last for years. Cancer is a disease that often people live with today, rather than die from. It is important that their emotional well being be taken care of as well as their physical needs. Also, it is even more important to allow us to decide for ourselves what it is we want to do and no do. I remember having to say to someone in the early days, "I have cancer in the ovaries, not the brain. I can still think for myself". We have lost so much with this illness, don't take away our ability to participant in whatever life we still have.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Honesty and children.......and Cancer
Relationships are what life is all about. I have the best one with my daughter who is now a young adult. I have to admit that our journey through cancer has had a very large part in the relationship we now share. Often, these are the times in our life that we can either improve the relationship with our children, or have them move to a place of fear and mistrust. I am so grateful that I took the risks necessary to involve her in my journey even though it almost tore my heart out to do so. I did not turn her into a caregiver, or depend on her for emotional support which would have been very harmful to her, but rather I was always honest and upfront so that she could be assured that what was going on really was the truth. It is hard often for parents to be honest with their children, but in some ways that is because it is easier if we don't have to deal with their emotional fallout. It can be a bit of a cop out b/c it allows us the distance we may feel is better....in the long run this is not better for either party.
When I was first diagnosed, my daughter was only 12 years old and in grade 6. It was only the two of us, as most of my family lived thousands of miles away. We had a good relationship to begin with, but this was very traumatic. I don't even remember telling her initially about the diagnoses. According to her, I did it very calmly and quietly, making sure that she listened to everything and didn't just hear the word 'cancer' and go off to a place of fear and dread. I told her that I had cancer, but that we would get through this together whatever that meant.....and that she would always know what was up. I even went as far as allowing her to talk to the doctor herself and ask any questions which she might have. Never underestimate children, they think alot and often their imagination can take them to far worse places than the truth will.
As time went on, we seemed to settle into the journey of day to day life with cancer. Then one day while she was lying in bed with me she just asked the question "what will happen if you die". Oh my goodness, you can imagine how that hit me between the eyes. Not that I hadn't thought about it, but for her to actually articulate her own fear of it. Of course, my initial reaction was to say "don't worry everything will be fine" but I didn't because I knew that I couldn't guarantee that. So instead I told her "no matter what happens you will be fine....it won't be the best thing if I die, and neither of us want that, but if that is what happens you will be o.k., that I promise". She started to cry and than I said, "I want you to think of all the people who you know that love you so much and who love you too". She began naming different people, family member, friends, even some of my fellow teachers etc. We talked about each person and how we had met them, how long we had known them. After a very long time of talking, she looked at me and said "you know you are right, I don't want you to die, but I won't be alone, there are lots of people who love me." What a revelation for such a young child. Her real fear, apart from being separated from me, was of being left alone. I couldn't promise that I wouldn't die, but I could promise that she would be looked after and not be left alone. For the time being that really helped to allay her fears and we were able to again continue on our way.
Two days ago, I had a girls day with my daughter, who is now 22. We have an amazing relationship, one of friendship, family, and just of two women in the world. We laugh, we cry, and we even disagree....no kidding! I cannot regret where we have had to go in order for us to have ended up here today. I wouldn't change that relationship, and so I guess I can't regret the illness that brought such a strong bond between us. I don't like it, wouldn't want to re do it, but it has allowed us to have a mother/daughter relationship that most people never achieve. All it took was my being aware that good relationships begin with honesty, respect, and trust no matter what age and no matter what the journey...I thank God that I had the grace 9 years ago to allow her to come on this journey with me rather than trying to protect her and leaving her behind.
She too is on the bus with us, but in a very quiet way. She has come to realize that when it is time to worry I will let her know, but until then I expect her to get on with her own life and her own journey. The best part is that she is doing exactly that........she is listening to me her mother!!!!!!!! and her friend.
When I was first diagnosed, my daughter was only 12 years old and in grade 6. It was only the two of us, as most of my family lived thousands of miles away. We had a good relationship to begin with, but this was very traumatic. I don't even remember telling her initially about the diagnoses. According to her, I did it very calmly and quietly, making sure that she listened to everything and didn't just hear the word 'cancer' and go off to a place of fear and dread. I told her that I had cancer, but that we would get through this together whatever that meant.....and that she would always know what was up. I even went as far as allowing her to talk to the doctor herself and ask any questions which she might have. Never underestimate children, they think alot and often their imagination can take them to far worse places than the truth will.
As time went on, we seemed to settle into the journey of day to day life with cancer. Then one day while she was lying in bed with me she just asked the question "what will happen if you die". Oh my goodness, you can imagine how that hit me between the eyes. Not that I hadn't thought about it, but for her to actually articulate her own fear of it. Of course, my initial reaction was to say "don't worry everything will be fine" but I didn't because I knew that I couldn't guarantee that. So instead I told her "no matter what happens you will be fine....it won't be the best thing if I die, and neither of us want that, but if that is what happens you will be o.k., that I promise". She started to cry and than I said, "I want you to think of all the people who you know that love you so much and who love you too". She began naming different people, family member, friends, even some of my fellow teachers etc. We talked about each person and how we had met them, how long we had known them. After a very long time of talking, she looked at me and said "you know you are right, I don't want you to die, but I won't be alone, there are lots of people who love me." What a revelation for such a young child. Her real fear, apart from being separated from me, was of being left alone. I couldn't promise that I wouldn't die, but I could promise that she would be looked after and not be left alone. For the time being that really helped to allay her fears and we were able to again continue on our way.
Two days ago, I had a girls day with my daughter, who is now 22. We have an amazing relationship, one of friendship, family, and just of two women in the world. We laugh, we cry, and we even disagree....no kidding! I cannot regret where we have had to go in order for us to have ended up here today. I wouldn't change that relationship, and so I guess I can't regret the illness that brought such a strong bond between us. I don't like it, wouldn't want to re do it, but it has allowed us to have a mother/daughter relationship that most people never achieve. All it took was my being aware that good relationships begin with honesty, respect, and trust no matter what age and no matter what the journey...I thank God that I had the grace 9 years ago to allow her to come on this journey with me rather than trying to protect her and leaving her behind.
She too is on the bus with us, but in a very quiet way. She has come to realize that when it is time to worry I will let her know, but until then I expect her to get on with her own life and her own journey. The best part is that she is doing exactly that........she is listening to me her mother!!!!!!!! and her friend.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Finding joy......amidst the disease
Finding Joy, I think that was the title of a C.S. Lewis book about his American wife. Well, it certainly applies to the story of finding 'Biblo'. I don't mean the hobbit, I am speaking of my little Shi Tzu dog who I brought into our home just over 9 years ago. It is interesting that sometimes when we do things that appear at the moment to be rather crazy, end up being one of the best things we could have done. I have been very aware of this lately and this event came to mind.
I was just finished chemo. I had been diagnosed with Stage IIIc, Grade 3, Ovarian Cancer six months prior and had spent the past six months having surgery and chemo. The chemo was horrendous and our house had been full of strangers and family on and off for the entire time. This was a good thing, but it had caused so much chaos in our lives we didn't know which end was up or down, or what was missing!
It was at the end of my chemo and it was the beginning of December so it was very cold. My daughter desperately needed a new winter coat so we took a day and went shopping. That is all very relevant b/c in those days....going shopping meant one store, in and out, and then home again exhausted!
We went to the mall and as we were walking in we happened to look into the pet store. There was a little white ball of fur, all by herself, in a a cage just calling out to us. We went in and of course I said "can I hold her" and well you know the rest.....done! So we ended up leaving with this little ball of fur. As I mentioned that was the one store so off we went home.....coat less unless you count the four legged one with the furry coat! Crazy, right. You don't know how crazy. I already had a dog at home, and he wasn't the kind to like new additions. Well, we brought our little bundle home, and put her on the floor. Our dog came over thinking it was a stuffed toy and proceeded to pick her up. Then she moved, and he leaped backwards swallowing his bark, and never attempted to do that again. They were, if not friends, housemates until his death last March (he was 16 years old)
Everyone thought I had lost my mind, including me, and I just blamed it on a very 'low sugar' moment. It may seem like something crazy to do, but in the end it was a God incident. I don't believe in coincidences.
This little bundle of fur brought JOY back into our home....something we hadn't even noticed was missing b/c we were so wrapped up in all the dark, scary stuff about cancer. All of a sudden we were laughing out loud, giggling with each other, and calling to one another to 'come see Bilbo' do this or that. We had found joy again through this little furry creature. I have never for a moment regretted bringing her home, and my daughter doesn't even mind that she spent the entire winter season in a coat that was really a bit too small for her.
Never underestimate what little event in your life may be the event that will turn things around. Again, living in the moment without all the baggage of what ifs, or maybe nots, is really important when you have a serious illness. If it feels like it is suppose to happen, than maybe it is even if everyone else thinks your nuts. Biblo is still here and still makes me laugh, and I often refer to her as my chemo dog. Low blood sugar or not, she was destined to be a member of our house.
I have no desire this time to get another dog......but I did recently get two kittens.....OMG
I was just finished chemo. I had been diagnosed with Stage IIIc, Grade 3, Ovarian Cancer six months prior and had spent the past six months having surgery and chemo. The chemo was horrendous and our house had been full of strangers and family on and off for the entire time. This was a good thing, but it had caused so much chaos in our lives we didn't know which end was up or down, or what was missing!
It was at the end of my chemo and it was the beginning of December so it was very cold. My daughter desperately needed a new winter coat so we took a day and went shopping. That is all very relevant b/c in those days....going shopping meant one store, in and out, and then home again exhausted!
We went to the mall and as we were walking in we happened to look into the pet store. There was a little white ball of fur, all by herself, in a a cage just calling out to us. We went in and of course I said "can I hold her" and well you know the rest.....done! So we ended up leaving with this little ball of fur. As I mentioned that was the one store so off we went home.....coat less unless you count the four legged one with the furry coat! Crazy, right. You don't know how crazy. I already had a dog at home, and he wasn't the kind to like new additions. Well, we brought our little bundle home, and put her on the floor. Our dog came over thinking it was a stuffed toy and proceeded to pick her up. Then she moved, and he leaped backwards swallowing his bark, and never attempted to do that again. They were, if not friends, housemates until his death last March (he was 16 years old)
Everyone thought I had lost my mind, including me, and I just blamed it on a very 'low sugar' moment. It may seem like something crazy to do, but in the end it was a God incident. I don't believe in coincidences.
This little bundle of fur brought JOY back into our home....something we hadn't even noticed was missing b/c we were so wrapped up in all the dark, scary stuff about cancer. All of a sudden we were laughing out loud, giggling with each other, and calling to one another to 'come see Bilbo' do this or that. We had found joy again through this little furry creature. I have never for a moment regretted bringing her home, and my daughter doesn't even mind that she spent the entire winter season in a coat that was really a bit too small for her.
Never underestimate what little event in your life may be the event that will turn things around. Again, living in the moment without all the baggage of what ifs, or maybe nots, is really important when you have a serious illness. If it feels like it is suppose to happen, than maybe it is even if everyone else thinks your nuts. Biblo is still here and still makes me laugh, and I often refer to her as my chemo dog. Low blood sugar or not, she was destined to be a member of our house.
I have no desire this time to get another dog......but I did recently get two kittens.....OMG
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A different anxiety.......and Cancer
OK, so now we wait. As I mentioned in another blog, there is the 'Day Before Syndrome" as you anticipate the appointment to come. Then, and what I am going through now, is the 'After the Tests Anxiety". The tests were done, CT Scan and blood tests. Of course, no one can say anything except "you doctor will have the results in a few days". So now I wait.
I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises. I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head. It is just the whole idea of having to wait and talk to someone about it. Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that. I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago. I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible. But, oh the wait. A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'. If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years. I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.
I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking. As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted. I have since changed that behaviour, probably for the good. I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself. Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check. So many people there, and most of them not young. That too was a real revelation. When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease. He said how young I was (42) to have cancer. Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young. When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair. Even in this day of dyes!!!!! There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life. When you have cancer getting old is a bonus! I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain. It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.
Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours. This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety. So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!
I am not too concerned that there will be any surprises. I know that the cancer is back, and where it has reared its ugly head. It is just the whole idea of having to wait and talk to someone about it. Then I realized that I didn't make a new appointment with my oncologist to do just that. I have one in a couple of months, the regular one that I made ages ago. I do have an appointment with a new doctor next week, so I will hopefully hear what is happening from him. I am seeing a Medical Oncologist (as opposed to my Surgical Oncologist) just to keep my own options open if surgery is not possible. But, oh the wait. A control freak like myself does not do well in the 'in-between times'. If nothing else, I have learnt much more patience over the past almost ten years. I have a hard time saying ten years in case it is a bad omen....don't count your chickens good or bad till they hatch idea.
I used to be one of those people who would rush into a room and without any regard to anyone else start talking. As if I was the only one in the whole world that counted. I have since changed that behaviour, probably for the good. I have become more aware that a whole world exists outside of myself. Going to the Cancer Clinic was a big part of that reality check. So many people there, and most of them not young. That too was a real revelation. When I was first diagnosed, I remember my doctor saying something about cancer being an old person's disease. He said how young I was (42) to have cancer. Seemed strange at the time because we all know people who have cancer and are young. When you are in the system for awhile you do realize that the majority of the patients at the clinic have grey hair. Even in this day of dyes!!!!! There are people of all ages, and no children as they have their own special place - God love them, but it really is a grey sea of people. Fortunately, I can now count myself one of them - I'm 52!!! Isn't that a funny statement, but everything is relevant in life. When you have cancer getting old is a bonus! I realize that I am rambling, perhaps because the in-between time does that to my brain. It flits along randomly thinking about all kinds of things, trying not to think about the one thing I really want to think about.
Well, I have started a couple of new knitting projects that will keep me busy this week, plus I will work a few hours. This time next week will be the "day before" again and bring with it a whole different kind of anxiety. So off I go to my corner to knit up a storm and think, think , think.....maybe I should do some meditation first!!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Revelations....in the midst of Cancer
I could barely contain myself and get to the computer this morning. I have had a revelation! I had it while making my bed, which is not something that usually happens with such a mundane task. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been feeling depressed. It took a lot of courage on my part to admit that as I am not usually so public about how I am immediately feeling. The result of that admission though has been astounding. After I wrote that I literally wallowed in my depression. I stayed home, putts around the house doing minor things, but things that need doing and that I hadn't had the energy for. The other thing that I did was slept. I would do a little, lay down for a nap and then wake up hours later, thinking this is not good. But again I would putts and then lie down. Yesterday I slept for hours and woke up into the evening. Watched mindless t.v. and then went to bed thinking 'I am never going to be able to sleep". I began to read and then turned off my light and slept some more. Waking very early this morning, No Kidding, I thought I don't want to get out of bed, but I will never be able to sleep, and then slept for a couple more hours. Rising from my bed, I putts around some more. Then, while making my bed, I realized that I felt more rested and more up beat than I had for weeks. So, the revelation, maybe sometimes depression is a way for the body to force you to get what you need. I obviously needed down time, but am not the sort of person who would do that voluntarily because I would feel uncomfortable doing nothing. Depression gave me the permission and it feels good.
Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away. For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body. Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating. This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it. Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.
So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities. I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....
Now, I know there are types of depression that can not so easily be remedied and I would never presume to tell people to just sleep there life away. For me, this depression is obviously situational, I am dealing with cancer, and I have been dealing with this long enough to know that I must be aware of my emotions and my body. Having gone through a very severe depression b/c of cancer years ago, and having to go on anti-depressives, I know that depression can be very debilitating. This time, I recognized that I was just going through a minor down time and obviously needed to take time away from my normal routine and deal with it. Not that it won't raise its ugly head again, but for now 'in this moment' I am feeling pretty good.
So, for today, I feel well rested and able to deal with normal daily activities. I am off the bus, and walking today to feel the air and the cold wind on my face......I really do love winter and especially when it is really cold and crisp rather than damp and wet......and even looking forward to going to work for a few hours.....
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Depression.........
Well, I think the 'denial' bus has finally completed its journey. It is parked in a very large snow bank! I realized last night that I am somewhat depressed. No kidding, you might say, but I am surprised. I guess I never thought that I would go through that part of grief. The reality came to me in the middle of the night but I think the seed was planted about a week ago by a friend. She casually mentioned that perhaps I was depressed and of course I completely ignored her. I feel tired, at a very deep soul level. I am not weepy or feeling sorry for myself just completely drained. In addition, I think I am terrified. For me to admit that is something really big, and means that maybe I have had some major growth in my emotional personal side over the past few years. I usually never admit fear even if I am standing in it up to my eyeballs. It is a sign of weakness, vulnerability and I don't like that. I really don't believe that but old tapes are hard to quiet. Plus, I refuse to allow myself to spend my life, whatever time I have, being afraid....it is such a waste of time. Moving on.....
Back to depression, so much easier to deal with. I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed. I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid. It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done. You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type. I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person. It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything. Also, I become more internalized and quiet. Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state. Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet"...so its just easier to stay home. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.
So, I am depressed. Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out. The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it. You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it. I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful. I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly. The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly. I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing. So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea. Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.
I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour.
Back to depression, so much easier to deal with. I have been thinking, almost the whole night, that it is o.k. to be a little depressed. I have spent quite a bit of time alone and that has allowed me to think about a few things that, when I am running around pretending everything is alright, I tend to avoid. It has also meant that I have tended to a few things in the house that needed to be done. You see, I am not a go to bed and pull the covers over my head depression type. I am more pull the curtains, do odd jobs around the house, watch a little t.v., do some more odd jobs, knit a bit type of depressed person. It may sound odd but it is the hiding away from the world that I am more likely to do than to just not do anything. Also, I become more internalized and quiet. Which if you know, me is completely the opposite of my usual state. Because of this, if I go places most people say, "are you o.k. you are so quiet"...so its just easier to stay home. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, I am just really uncomfortable with it.
So, I am depressed. Waking up in the night thinking awful thoughts, tossing and turning, and then finally getting up b/f its light out. The one positive outcome is that I am working on a shawl that I have wanted to knit for sometime, and with all this alone time I am actually getting somewhere with it. You see there is always a positive in every emotional situation, we just have to find it. I guess I will just sit with the depression for awhile, making sure it doesn't consume me b/c then it would be pointless and wasteful. I mean if I am depressed b/c I have cancer, and I am afraid that I might die, sitting around doing nothing while I am still alive seems silly. The interesting part of all this, is that even though I have spent quite a bit of time home, people seem to drop by unexpectedly. I have always been the type to tell people to just 'drop in' and it is at times like this it is a good thing. So, the Holy Spirit is obviously watching over me and sending me those people who SHE knows I need to sit and have a cup of tea. Life is a mystery but when you reflect on it, it is amazing how it all works itself out.
I will now go and work on my shawl, drink some tea, and just wallow in my emotional abyss....that sounds very dramatic doesn't it......I guess even in depression I still can draw on my dark sense of humour.
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