Thursday, April 12, 2012

What's really wrong??????

Easter is over and I was going to post a really nice blog concerning new life and Easter....even had a beautiful pic to add to the blog.    It didn't happen!    Obviously!

Just can't seem to get back to feeling normal.    Have been fighting this cold and now my stomach feels like a knife keeps being stabbed from the inside out.    No doubt the result of all the medication that I was taking trying to resolve the virus.    Can't win.....clear nose/upset stomach.    Is seems so shallow to whine about a cold and stomach ache but the feelings that come to the surface at a time like these are hard to ignore.   All the fears and worries come flooding back.....maybe its something more, what if the tumor is what is causing the pain ....maybe I have a blockage.    So many worries, most probably all not true, but it is hard to shake your imagination....especially if you are the  type of person who constantly tries to downplay everything.   Then the worry becomes 'maybe I am downplaying everything'  :)

Having a serious disease plays havoc on your psyche!    Nothing is just a simple cold or stomach ache.   No pain is just a muscle spasm or strain.....everything morphs into something huge and monstrous at least in your mind.    As I have said before the mind is a very powerful machine.    It can make one believe the most glorious things, but it can also take you down the darkest alleys......

I never really realize how much I worry about my illness, till something hurts.   It seems then I become consumed by it.   Today, I will try really hard just to ignore the symptoms.    Often if you can get on with your daily activities, and if when distracted you don't notice the symptoms, it means things are probably not too serious.   That is why often the doctor will say "is it interfering with you when you are busy or focused on something else"....serious stuff doesn't just disappear because you are busy, it will rear its ugly head no matter what......I have found this to be a really good judge of what is going on physically for today I will try and stay busy and see what happens....the fact that I am writing the blog tells me maybe I am o.k.  :))))

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