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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Moving to the next stage of grief....depression!

I don't know why the very first post I ever made found its way to the recent posts but maybe there is more going on here than we know about.   It is a new chapter in my journey and maybe it is good to review the initial post and the purpose of this medium for my sanity.  I have moved from driving the denial bus to the depression cab.....smaller, more maneuverable, and much less room for passengers.

This will be difficult for me because I am not very good at exposing my real emotional feelings.  I don't like telling people things that they might decide becomes their job to make me feel better.   I don't want to feel  better!  I want to sulk, feel like crap, sleep too many hours and be just whatever this time brings.  It has been a very long journey and I think in many ways I have gone from denial over the years directly to acceptance.   Well, after 10 years I think my soul has decided it is time to feel depressed, angry and even very very selfish.   I will try really hard to be honest, mainly in order to work through this period and come out the other end a more stable and maybe even wiser person than the one that entered the 'dark night of the soul'.   I have lots of spiritual literature that tells me that this is an amazing time to grow spiritually, emotionally and psychologically.  Whether or not that is true I have no choice but to work my way through it.   I have tried very hard to put this off, and I think I am finally have physical difficulties because of that denial.  There are more than one stage of grief obviously for a very good reason.....

So, all you on the bus, line up and take a number for a ride in the cab.   We aren't going very far for the next while, if we even end up leaving the lane.   I will of course be driving, as always....you might have to wake me periodically so that we don't run off the road.   The only time anyone is allowed to talk is to remind me, or wake me, to go to knitting.   That is the one thing in my life I am not prepared to give up no matter what.    So, here we go........thanks in advance for your patience, your support and your love......

3 comments:

Birdie said...

You sweet thing, please write and write and write. I love blogging because nobody I actually know besides my fiance reads my posts. I can say whatever I want and it really is a safe place.

I prefer to think the grief process as not a *process* at all. I think of it as a continuum. (Like a figure 8, the infinite symbol) We go around and around sometimes experiencing multiple emotions at one. For instance in the last 2 months I have experienced joy when me niece was born, anger at my brother who does nothing to help, denial in the last few days as my is in the last stages of living that the doctors are wrong and she is going to get better..
Anyway, you get my point. All this goes around and around. I don't believe we are ever fully out of any stage.
You dear one write whatever and whenever you need to. I won't try to talk you our of it. ;-)

Pat said...

Birdie gets first seat in the cab. She knows you well and will be what you want in a passenger.

Kath@I_love_my_zoo! said...

hugs