I have been receiving some comments lately that I think are worth commenting on myself. One of the things people have been saying to me is that my posts seem a little dark. Yes they are a little dark. As most people know the way I deal with anything really serious in my life is to be funny...I think it is the Irish in me...they have a very dark humour. I haven't been my best lately and I have been putting down what is really going on in this brain of mine, in a serious way which may take some by surprise...I have always been dark but tried to be funny too. I find it very cathartic and usually once I have put it into words I actually feel much better emotionally. I am not a person who likes to wear my true feelings on my sleeve....I have a tendency to put on a happy face and look like I am always feeling good. Usually, this type of behaviour really does help to make me feel good because I believe very strongly that what you put out into the universe you get back ten fold. So even if I am not feeling as chipper as I may appear by the end of the day I have often received so much positive energy that spirit is almost the same on the inside as it appeared on the outside.
Long before I became ill I had been trying really hard to match my inside with the outside. I have always been a very upbeat person but there was a time that that was more of a public persona than a personal one. Over the years, through much reflection and 'therapy', I have come to really like who I am and so the person you see is most probably the person that I am that day. If I am not feeling great I choose to stay away from others....I have a 'pity' party but I don't invite anyone else mainly b/c I don't want to be cheered up.
Over the past few months I have learned alot about myself and life in general. I have been given moments of great sadness and great gladness....what I guess is the reality of life in general. Yesterday, I had a day where I was able to see that life really is a character building event and one must choose how one is to negotiate it. There are people that I know have gone through some very trying moments (or years) and yet are able to enjoy those times that have been good with gratitude and joy. I met one such person yesterday. I hadn't seen him in years and know that he was having a difficult time the last time I did talk to him. He looked so happy and content that I just had to find out how things really were in his life. He was able to tell me that at the moment things were good, he was really enjoying himself (he is recently retired) and that he just focuses on this time. We talked about how some people just don't know what to do with themselves when they retire...but neither he nor I seemed to have that problem. It was very refreshing to 'chin wag' with someone who lives in the moment and appreciates the good things that are happening rather than focusing on the past.
I have decided that I am very blessed and grateful for my life...although as I have said many times I really could have lived without the drama of Cancer. It has taught me to appreciate just moments like yesterday and not get to wrapped up in the details. So, today will be a good day no matter what it brings, although my plans are made and am looking forward to them. I wish in some ways I could pass this wisdom on to many many people......whatever you must endure today do it with a song in your heart and do it with joy because the alternative to being here really stinks!!!!!! Happy day everyone...and yes sometimes I am dark.....but that is the balance we need to enjoy the light.