It has been sometime since I felt the urge to write. I go through these moments where I think maybe I don't need to blog anymore and try and continue my journey without venting, writing, or just letting things out. It isn't a good thing, but like anything we all come to a point where we believe we are doing better than we think. Isn't this why some people go off their medication because they think that they are cured and don't need it? Well in many ways that is how it works with me and blogging.
Then something happens and I am reminded that I am not completely healthy and the world is not exactly as I would like it to be. This weekend was one of those times. I had an extremely busy weekend, with lots of positive events. The only thing is that for the entire weekend, I struggled to keep my energy up in order that I could participate in them. Not everything I wanted to do got done but it was still a busy busy time. I made it too most events, but the whole time I knew that I was going to be exhausted after...worrying if I would be able to do the next. Trying to figure out how much I could do and still enjoy myself and still have energy to do the next thing. I am not very good at saying no, and of course love a good party!!! The fallout came in the end though. I hit a wall last night and was reminded of when I was on chemo and I would go until I literally fell down. You would think that after almost twelve years I had figured this part of my character out ...but no....and also.....
You would think since it has been over six years since my last round of chemo that I would feel normal again. The fact that I have a tumour growing may be one reason why I can't get energy when I need it. Well when I hit the wall it all came flying back, the fatigue, the sore muscles, the headaches everything. I went to bed early last night, slept fitfully all night, and then spent the day in bed trying to get some sleep. I was right back at the beginning of when cancer hit! Twenty-four hours of doing absolutely nothing and I am just beginning to feel human again. I hate this. I know this isn't getting old.....I would have to be 80 to feel this way. My mother only started to feel like this in her mid-eighties and even then she was able to read when she went to bed. I couldn't even do that last night. I hate the fatigue, it is such a reminder of my cancer. Fatigue really is the biggest symptom of cancer. The cancer just sucks the energy right out of you and leaves you feeling empty and limp.
So I have been reminded of two things. One I am really not healthy in a normal way, and secondly I still need to have a venue to vent my frustrations....alas I will be continuing to blog!!!!!! as for the first one.....still on a learning curve there :)