I find it hard lately to even come on the blog site. I think in the early days it was a place to vent, and then it was just a fun place to write things down and perhaps believe that my experience was helping someone else....so altruistic!!!! Now it feels like it is a place that is making me face a reality that I truly do not want to face. At the deepest level of my being I am fighting to pretend that nothing is going on and that if I just ignore everything I can make it so. I can't explain the reasoning except that I am just so tired of this journey sometimes. I want my life back....my life that I left behind 10 years ago. It is silly but that is how I feel. Not only do I not want to live this but I don't want to drive the bus, I don't want to make everyone feel better, I just want to hide away and pretend that all is well.
I am so 'sick and tired' of being 'sick and tired'!!! Cutting the grass has become a huge effort, and it bugs me b/c I loved doing things like that. Now it makes me so tired I feel like puking afterwards and can't even enjoy the final product. I know part of my anger, frustration whatever is b/c tomorrow I go back to the doctors. Not that I will know anything immediately, which can be a source of frustration. I wish sometimes I could go back to that 'polly anna' way of thinking that the visit to the doctor is the cure all......never was but we constantly convinced ourselves that once we saw the doctor we would feel better. Actually, if I remember correctly, it was usually the day before the doctor's appointment that I started to feel better :}
So, I go and talk, and maybe decide to have some more tests done. I can't explain exactly how I feel b/c it isn't like I have some huge pain that is screaming at me. It is just that feeling that something is not right.....I am way too tired for normal aging...although I do tell myself perhaps that is all it is. I sleep too much, I am not rested when I rise, and I want to nap all day long. If that is normal aging than who every coined the phrase "golden years" obviously didn't make it there!!!!!
I will end with a profound quote that I read this morning by Carl Jung:\
"if we remember the fundamental principle that the symtomatology of an illness is at the same time a natural attempt at healing",,,,,,,,, hmmmmm that works for growing old too!!!!!!