Yesterday was my three month. It went very well and since my appt with the second doctor I have been feeling very optimistic and happy. I think knowing there are two people with alot of knowledge btw them, that seem to have the same philosophical outlook and hope fullness, gives me the ability to just let go and live. I will allow them to determine when I should start to think about doing treatments etc. as long as I feel well. So........
I have started to look at what I want to do for the next little while...besides the regular stuff I have to do just because I am still alive and kicking. The 'bucket list' stuff. What did we call it before the movie? I guess our 'wish list'.....I don't really have a very long list mainly because I am quite content with my life, and having gone through a divorce and cancer a couple of times, I have tried to do the things I want all along. Yet, there are a few things that always seemed out of reach and just for wishing. In 2004, this was also true, yet I made a decision to do one of those 'wishfullness' things and it happened. I had always wanted to go to Disney World in Florida with my daughter. Being on a very limited income it never seemed likely that it would happen but that didn't stop either of us from dreaming about it. Well, when I was re-diagnosed in 2004, I made a promise that we would go before I did treatment again. I don't promise things very often, but when I do I follow through. We ended up driving to Florida in August 2005, and yes it was hot but it was also the cheapest time to go. We went to the Gulf Coast and stayed with friends for six days and then drove to Orlando and spent four fun-filled all inclusive days at a resort in Disney World. We had a blast. The only damper was that it was August 2005 and Hurricane Katrina came to Florida while we were there. My friends, who we were to meet in Georgia on the Friday and convoy home, decided that they were leaving early b/c of the hurricane. I wasn't going anywhere...I had spent years wanting to come here and I was damned if a hurricane was going to chase me away......the East Coaster in me coming out! So we stayed, and beat it home on the Saturday. Fortunately Katrina didn't release her full force before she hit the gulf so we were safe, not so for those people in New Orleans.
Well, this time I am going to fulfill another long time wish, more so of my daughter's than of mine. It will take planning and saving. My financial situation is precarious at best, but as I have proven to myself when I decide to do something, I make it happen. So, this too will happen. One thing that cancer has taught me (not a blessing simply a lesson) is that if you want to do something DO IT. Most people spent their lives wishing they could do things but either just never end up doing them or constantly put them off. When you are faced with an illness that does not offer you a timeline, you are forced into the reality that now is all the time you have. Not that you don't plan for the future, you just don't live there. Today is when you live and that is why today I will begin my planning for not only filling another frame, but also crossing off something on my bucket list. I don't really have too many more things on it but I will do at least one of them this time.
I will digress here....when I became a single mother one of the things that I found out was there would be alot of activities etc available to a dual parent household that would be most likely not available to me. I mean in the sense of a second person to help out. I made a decision at that time, that there might be alot of reasons why I couldn't do something, but never would I use the excuse b/c I was a 'single parent'. It just seemed like a cop out. I taught myself to make a decision to do something first, and then from that point on every decision I made would be directed at fulfilling that first decision. It I wanted to go somewhere I would commit and then I would find someone to help me out either babysitting, a ride (I didn't have a car then!), or even financially. We were not going to do nothing b/c of the situation we found ourselves in. The major obstacle was housing....I would live in a nice, safe place no matter what. I always did, and it surprised a lot of people. So, if I want to do something the first thing I do is decide to do it....the rest just seems to flow from there.....a little life's lesson for everyone whether you sick, poor, or just wishful!!!!!!!
Although I refuse to say at anytime I have felt cancer is a blessing, I will admit that because of this disease I have done many things in my life I may just have dreamed of doing. For that I am thankful! There have been more than enough reasons why I shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, but I have decided to say "why not" instead of remain in the world of "why" ......so off I go to park the bus, passengers should plan on taking a walking trip for awhile, while I plan my next adventure.......
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