tired and very very sad

I don't know if I can continue writing in the same way as I have been .   It seems that I have gone to a dark place and the lightness and humour that have been my solace  are no longer retrievable.   I am grieving !   I am saying goodbye to so much .   Until now I was able to accept the Cancer , never believing it was any kind of blessing, but accepting its presence.   I have never owned it, I have never allowed it to become me.   I have always looked at it from the outside , knowing it was there but not allowing it to enter my being.   It had my body but not my soul.

I find it harder now to view this disease from a distance .   I am tripping over it at every turn , literally as well as figuratively .

I am sick of the platitudes, the up lifting speeches. The ' there but for the grace of God' sayings and beliefs.    I am not grateful I am alive ... I deserve to be alive.    I am not grateful for what I have.... Physically I want more.   I want to walk, to drive, to have my life my independence back.   I am tired of having to be careful how I behave because some are uncomfortable with my sadness, my tears, my anger, my pity.   I am tired of having to be there for others comfort at the expense of my own.
I no longer have the energy nor the desire to make everyone feel ok around me.   I no longer want to be there for anyone.  I am tired, soulfully , spiritually exhausted.

I no longer feel hopeful... In many ways I feel I have tried to hard to live and now I am alive physically but dead on the inside .

I have chosen to be the way I was.... I thought that would help . Make me better.   Be positive, as if sadness would kill me.    Cancer doesn't care .... I realize that now.... It eats you one piece at a time and just leaves you to die .   I am so very  tired .