I don't know if I can continue writing in the same way as I have been . It seems that I have gone to a dark place and the lightness and humour that have been my solace are no longer retrievable. I am grieving ! I am saying goodbye to so much . Until now I was able to accept the Cancer , never believing it was any kind of blessing, but accepting its presence. I have never owned it, I have never allowed it to become me. I have always looked at it from the outside , knowing it was there but not allowing it to enter my being. It had my body but not my soul.
I find it harder now to view this disease from a distance . I am tripping over it at every turn , literally as well as figuratively .
I am sick of the platitudes, the up lifting speeches. The ' there but for the grace of God' sayings and beliefs. I am not grateful I am alive ... I deserve to be alive. I am not grateful for what I have.... Physically I want more. I want to walk, to drive, to have my life my independence back. I am tired of having to be careful how I behave because some are uncomfortable with my sadness, my tears, my anger, my pity. I am tired of having to be there for others comfort at the expense of my own.
I no longer have the energy nor the desire to make everyone feel ok around me. I no longer want to be there for anyone. I am tired, soulfully , spiritually exhausted.
I no longer feel hopeful... In many ways I feel I have tried to hard to live and now I am alive physically but dead on the inside .
I have chosen to be the way I was.... I thought that would help . Make me better. Be positive, as if sadness would kill me. Cancer doesn't care .... I realize that now.... It eats you one piece at a time and just leaves you to die . I am so very tired .