Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Realities sinking in!

So, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and you can actually wander outside with a light coat, or  no coat at all.   It is the time of year we in the North look forward to all winter.   The time we can finally put all the woollies away and venture out into the beautiful welcoming weather.

I was looking forward to this too.   I didn't get the full weight of our winter as I spent the majority of it inside a hospital.   I heard the reports though on a daily basis of the bitter cold and the dumps of snow.   I did experience one of those days when they transferred me to St. was -20 or more and for me it felt refreshing after so long in hot dry artificial air. 

Unfortunately, it is not having the affect that I had expected.   I am not more joyous.   I am not excited about the warmth.  I am not happy that the world is waking up from winter and calling us all forth.    I am sad.   I am angry.   I am disappointed.   I am all kinds of negative things.   This weather is simply exaggerating all the things I can't do.   This weather is pointing out to me that I can't go for the walks I loved, I can't go for the drives I loved.   I can't even play with the dog in the field across from my place.   It makes me recognize my limitations.   I hate it.  I want to crawl into a ball and just go to sleep.  

I know I should be grateful.   I hate the word 'should' because it implies shame.   But that's how I feel.   I have survived a surgery and the ultimate purpose of it was successful but I am still sorry for myself.    I keep thinking that eventually I will get better.   Eventually, the limitations will go away and I will be strong and independent like I use to be.  Then, the reality of this is it!!!!    I have already essentially arrived at where I am suppose to be.   I may get stronger.   My endurance may get better but nothing is going to change.  

I so looked forward to the opening of my trailer at this time last year.   I couldn't wait to go out and sit on the deck and just be.   This year I don't even want to go out.   It again will only serve to show me how dependent I have become.   How incapable of doing the simple things out there that I loved to do.   I mean I loved cutting the grass, raking, walking to the store, gathering sticks for the fire.   I can't do any of those things now.   Even emptying the tanks is beyond my capabilities!

I am falling into a pit of my own making and I don't even want to crawl out.   The only time I feel any joy or happiness any more is when I am watching my granddaughter playing.   Then I am transported to a wonderful place and can for the moment forget all the other stuff.   Even though I can't get down on the ground, or chase after her I feel whole.   She seems to somehow intuitively know that Grandma needs her to come  and she does....with toys, arms open to be lifted and sits on my lap.   It is at those times that I feel like a complete being.

I guess I am still in the learning stage.   I have yet to move to the accepting stage........and it may take a very long time.   

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