Friday, April 17, 2015

new Journey .... New way of being

It's been awhile but it's also been a difficult and trying time .  I am not good at writing when things are hard.   Maybe putting down in writing my sad feelings makes me more likely to have to face them.   I realize, this time, things may get better but not much is going to change .    I am grieving the loss of not only a limb but also a lifestyle..... Need to find a new equilibrium !

As someone who has found it easier to be solely independent ( not disappointed as much) it is hard to have to rely on others.   I have gotten better over the years but I always knew that it was a temporary situation .... A need for a limited time.    People are very good at being fully present for a period of time but as time goes on they tend to return to their own normal.  Take a death .. Everyone rallies around initially and holds the grieving person ... But eventually they disperse and the person who has most intimately experienced the death is often left to find their new way of being on  their own .  This is in no way a criticism , it is just that as humans we can only sustain our energy for so long and then must return to our daily life.  Although they feel for the person they are not as completely impacted in daily living by the loss .  

For myself this time ... I am permentately more dependent ... Not easy for a control freak:).  If I was rich I would just hire people and then I would be much more able to accept the help .   Not only would it benefit me but them as well.   Which brings me to another point.   How do I know that these people are not being benefited by helping me ? I don't for sure but down deep I know how I feel when I help others .   It makes me feel good , useful and more human.   So maybe the task I need to work on is believing that my friends and family really do want to help :).  Maybe I need to get out of the way atnd at least allow others to participate in my journey ..... At least for as long as they are able .   What a novel idea.     I am not great at accepting help but in many ways it is not a virtue ...  It's humbling to say the least and my pride often gets the best of me.

So,  my plan is to :  work on accepting my limitations ( ugh) ,  accept others help ,  ask for help,  and not feel I am imposing ..... I have been blessed with a multitude of amazing people in my life, including the most amazing daughter, perhaps it is time I appreciated where I Am At.... And stopped wishing I was somewhere else !

Will be more attentive to writing about this journey which is very different from all the others .   And just one more point..... I do appreciate  that they were successful in the surgery and that I am better in many ways .... But unfortunately that doesn't make this part any easier .... Two different things !


Paula Carr said...

Keep writing Elizabeth. That door is wide open and you are really good at it. Love you Paula

Birdie said...

My whole life is centered around helping people. And yes, it is because it gives me a reason to live.