Well, it's been quite awhile since I wrote anything down. Probably because it has been one of the most exciting positive times in my life and so I have just been living it...in the moment ! Its like when you see something amazing "a deer grazing in your backyard" you have two choices: run and get the camera to save the moment , or just stand there and enjoy the moment at the time. I have been just standing and enjoying the moment: my new granddaughter. She is the most beautiful creature that God has created since He designed her mother. There is no feeling like looking at another human being and knowing that you had a part in their creation, even if it wasn't directly. Something in your past has brought you to this moment, be it good or bad, this moment exists because you chose life!!!! So, that is the reason for the lack of blogging. I guess I am the type of person that when things are going well and I am content I just go with the flow and don't need to write. Then stuff happens and I find myself back here.
This has always been a really positive way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I am not really good at bringing the focus onto myself when I have negative stuff going on. I like to keep smiling and just pretend that the world is a wonderful place and all is well. It is just my way.....I can't and in many ways don't want to change that. I find that if I stay positive, even just on the outside, it helps to make me feel better for the time on the inside.
Well, as we all know all good things come to an end in life. Life is not suppose to be this smooth sailing ship, it is suppose to be a time of ups and downs. The ups allowing us to recognize the downs, and the downs allowing us to appreciate the ups. I have been so far up lately, I have been in the clouds. Now I have fallen back to earth. The cancer has decided that it has been ignored long enough and wants attention.
Recently, I went to the hospital thinking my hernia was acting up again. Remember, I had it FIXED
two years ago. Well it burst open last fall but has been ok if I am smart about things. I wasn't feeling good and decided I would do things differently this time. Instead of waiting till things were too far gone for simple solutions, I would go and get checked. Well the hernia is not fine, but it wasn't the problem. That damn tumour has grown a bit more quickly recently and is causing the trouble. I must say, I was a little shocked. I know it sounds funny that someone who has been dealing with this disease for so long would not necessarily figure out that might be the problem. I really didn't though. So, when the doctor at Emergency comes in to tell me that its not my hernia but the trumour I was like "SHIT really?". I think he was expecting a different response lol. So he decides that I need to see my oncologist immediately and that he will phone him in the morning and arrange an appointment. In the meantime, he wonders if he should admit me! I looked at him and said "I'm not going to die tonight, I don't need to stay. I can call my oncologist tomorrow and get in".
He looks at me and says "yea ok, I guess you have been dealing with this long enough to know". Still a little concerned I might not be able to arrange appointments, he gives me his cell number in case I run into obstacles reaching the doctor. NOW that is a one of a kind doctor. I was impressed and it isn't often I am impressed. So off I go.
Next morning I get a call from my GP's office saying that she wants me in to discuss my CT scan. I say OK ....my daughter has an appointment in four days with the baby can I piggyback on that? The secretary I think is a little surprised that I am not too concerned. I wonder at times if maybe I am taking this thing to lightly, but then think, well no one has seemed to concerned until now and I have been living with it. Well, the oncologist isn't quite as accommodating!!!! He makes me come in right away!
So, the cancer needs to be dealt with. And as usual I have plans that I really am not cancelling. So we make a deal.....I can go on my trip East to introduce my granddaughter to my sisters and brother, and agree to see the doctor immediately upon return to schedule surgery etc. DEAL!!!!!!!
Somehow this all seems very familiar. If I recall, the initial diagnoses 13 years ago threatened to interfere with a trip down East. Even then we were able to compromise and arrange to have chemo scheduled just before and after so I could go. The moral of this story is very simple: you can't control what happens in your life or when, but you sure can control whether you choose to continue living through it all.
So, I am back writing. Probably will continue, and think I will have to dust the bus off and check the engine. I know I will be driving it again, just not sure when I will turn the key and start to back it out of the garage. This time too it might be parked an awful lot at the Bay while we wait for the need to drive it. Calling all passenger that want to go on this crazy ride of my life......AGAIN!
P.S. Last time everyone was so great, lots of support and food, just so you know will be more than happy to accept both again.......especially the food!!!!!!!